Yesterday again I tried to be good and I was right up until I realised I had an hour to kill before picking Steve up from the station, I then had marmite on fresh bread, crisps, chocolate followed by McDonalds and more chocolate. I was in a grouchy mood yesterday as well; I didn’t actually get out to the horses until late afternoon. Which is a first for me, I at least go and check them first thing but for some reason yesterday it was all a bit too much.

On Monday in my defence I was in agony, the walk on Sunday had taken its toll my shins were in constant pain and my foot was bruised because whenever I moved it I felt pain across the top and not to mention the poxy horse fly bites I am now covered in.  So yeah I was feeling a little sorry for myself, typically it was only as I was heading to bed I thought damn I should have taken some pain killers for my aches and pains.

Then yesterday although I wasn’t aching as much I was still tender and very tired. Even my friend commented on how harassed I look on Monday, I just think it’s down to tiredness and the constant ness of having the boy on holidays. But still I made an effort to be good and didn’t have anything until about one when we had lunch, a ham and tomato sarnie. The thing is it just didn’t feel enough and I still felt hungry after.

And this is where I made a big mistake I ended up thinking hmm just having a sarnie isn’t enough I should make it into a proper lunch so I had some wotsits and the last piece of flapjack. I instantly felt bloated and knew I’d had too much. It’s such a pain because I then really didn’t feel like going out to the horses for the exact opposite reason of why I didn’t want to half hour before.  I did force myself to though and ended up exercising Nas and Spirit, I wasn’t happy about it and was grumping at them both as well.

So this morning I have woken up to being the same weight I was on Monday, with a massive hankering to start my day with a bowl of cereal. I mean proper hunger pangs which led to me thinking you know what I should have breakfast blah blah. Luckily I was in the car at the time and some time to think why!  I then remembered all the other times I had thought the same thing but it had only led me to thinking pah I’ve blown it now or worse the times I was halfway through the cereal only to realise half way through I didn’t actually want it.

I’m pleased to say the cravings soon passed when I really thought about it and it has also led me to be more determined to stick to ‘A sandwich’ at lunchtime. Also it’s made me think a bit more about my cravings and try to decipher them. this morning i didnt really want cereal I just didn’t want to diet. The crazy thing deep down  I do!

I know you are probably thinking what kind of diet is this, and in the past I have often had comments about what I am eating in a bid to lose weight. Something’s along the lines of no wondered your fat if you eat cake etc. I would just like to say the cake alone hasn’t made me fat, it’s the lack of exercise and quantities of what I’ve been eating that has made me fat.

In fact now on a normal day I would have a piece of flapjack and sure enough I would find an excuse to go back for another piece… sometimes even two pieces wouldn’t be enough, see where I’m going with this sure you can call me a glutton but until someone can tell me exactly why it is I have the desire to over eat and then some.

I don’t think it’s fair to use such detrimental words; I don’t want to be that person. I would love to be the kind that doesn’t think about food at all and can go all day without eating. Or would I? I enjoy my food I like the social side of it. A nice meal with friends and family, take Christmas for example now I’m older it’s no longer about the presents but more about the lunch.

In the past few weeks I have been more bad than good. – When I say bad! I mean no control eating everything in my sight – crisps, biscuits, sausage rolls, chocolate, and takeaway. Now all of those are ok if you’re not eating 24/7 like I do when I am on a blowout even if I eat to the point of feeling ill it soon subsides and I go again.

It’s not like I haven’t wanted or even tried to be good. Thinking about it though, I have been trying to be too good.  I then crash and burn at my weakest times (evenings), if I get to the evening and I don’t feel satisfied I will eat anything I can find. Whereas if I do have some of the things I like through the day I can control it. Usually by telling myself I can have whatever it is I think I am craving tomorrow as part of my plan.

`For the time being I’m not going to worry about what I am eating. I am going to focus on getting when I am eating back in control i.e. not constantly my aim at the moment is 4 x a day… mid-morning, lunch, mid-afternoon & dinner.  I’m hoping these times will stop me getting really hungry and then blowing it altogether.

Once I am back in control I can then start to have a shift round and you never know I might actually start craving the healthy foods. That we are so conditioned into thinking we should be eating to lose weight. Who knows, regardless I know less in more out means at some point I will lose weight. Again I am hoping once I get into a routine I will have more energy to pick up the fitness issue.

That’s the problem with diet and exercise… it really is a case of the right balance too much food can often be as bad as too little. Either you are to bloated to move or too weak. I do agree your blood sugar levels play an important role in keeping you going.

So that’s it, my plan for the time being as soon as I get on the scales I will let you know, where I am at. I know you would think that now I’m riding I would be more motivated to lose weight. If only it were that simple. And to be honest in fact my main motivation is fitness, obviously I want to be lighter and be less of a burden on Nas.

I can’t really explain why I over eat like I do, I know stress plays an important part but so  does happiness, tiredness, practically all emotions equal food to me. Right or wrong I don’t really care. I just want to be in control and aware of what I am eating.  Neither worrying if its healthy or un-healthy food is food we need it to survive. So why not enjoy it, enjoy life.

Enough on that for the minute and back to something that I don’t have a good vibe about… food and dieting eugh! The Sadomasochist in me made me get on the scales yesterday, I was going to try and stay of them until after the beach ride and time of the month is never a good time to weigh either.

But still I couldn’t resist especially when Steve had the exact coin I need in his pocket. So despite not being good I was hoping the extra activities I’ve been doing recently it would have some impact, now I do know it has had some my waist is down an inch and the leggings I was living in are now baggy all over so it can’t just be the elastic that’s gone!

I’ve also noticed I am more flexible and have a larger range of motions when stretching etc., walking isn’t hard work for me and I even got on a swing the other day at the nature reserve. It’s unusual for me to find a swing big enough without hurting my thighs or even strong enough looking that I don’t fear for my life.

So on I got and raced the boy to the top, ouch it was hard work I felt it in my arms stomach legs in fact ten minutes on the swing had me puffing and panting, but still I had a big smile and enjoyed flying through the air. No wonder kids are fit if they can have that kind of fun. it reminded me of the times I use to spend most the day around the swings playing constantly on the go.

So back to the scales it’s not good news and I’m a little gutted to say the least but then I only have myself and the Easter holidays to blame, my weight was still at 22st5lbs not good. I was really hoping to see 21^st but it’s just not happening.  Now the boy is back at school my plan is to kick my arse back on track this week.

The only issue is I don’t know how, I woke up this morning thinking about porridge (which I had) and once again regret and now despite being full I am thinking about other foods I want.  Sure I could go all out and try to follow some kind of diet plan, but as well know that’s not me.  It’s safe to say my head is a bit wibbly wobbly at the moment when it comes to food.

The only certainty is I have to stop eating chocolate again! and try to get back into some sort of routine which I can stick to without feeling like I am missing out, oh and the other thing is back into a place where I can eat something like an apple knowing it’s doing me more good than harm. What I mean by that is I avoid what I call unnecessary calories in order to justify the necessary ones.

Hmm think I need to have a sit and think now that I have the time to, without threat of hearing ‘mummy’ every few minutes. Still I will miss the constant barrage of questions and requests. I better get on with it; it’s only 6hrs until the boy comes home.

And just in case you are wondering, yep I have woken up this morning with the same grumbling in my belly.  But you know what I don’t actually think I could face a bowl of cereal if someone put it in front of me. Maybe a nice shortbread biscuit or a coffee truffle J .

So I am holding out until brunch. The sun is shining and once I’ve finished this post I am going out on the yard for some mucking out and a bit of a potter around.  It’s still he Easter Holidays so I need to keep the boy entertained. Hopefully he’ll be happy to do some gardening and tidying with me.

After my conclusion at the weekend about where I have been going wrong I think it’s time I stop telling you how I am doing it and just get on with doing it. Hopefully though you will have got a bit of a taste of the way my mind has had me running in circles for the past 20years. Ever since that very first Diet book.

I can honestly say now that everything has fallen onto place my head is clear now, it’s not a whirring mass of cogs and wheels trying to find the best plan for the quickest weight loss. That’s why I say if you are following one of the high street diets and find you are losing weight then stick with it.

Sometimes it’s all you need, for all my moaning and griping about them I wish to god I had stuck with it the first time I went. Heck and the 2^nd 3^rd 4^th – 100^th. It doesn’t matter how you are doing it as long as you are getting results and going down in weight that is all that matters.

So yeah my mind is clear today of what I am going to do about losing weight, I’m going to do what I should of always done and that’s do what I’ve always done with just a bit more effort into the mix. Whoop clear head of diet dilemmas is nice

Except it leaves more room for thoughts of riding on the beach in less than two weeks. Argh omg only another couple or days and we’ll be doing the ten day countdown. Still I am very very excited about it and tomorrow will have more to tell of mine and Nas’s progress.

I tend to make cakes because they are quicker and easier, but biscuits are my real passion it all started when I use to work in an old people’s home and everyone would stop at 10 o clocks for coffee and biscuits with a natter. In fact it’s where my coffee obsession started.

I can’t believe it all started with very sweet milky Nescafe. And has ended up at dark strong espresso, the only thing is I still like a dash of hot milk in it and that’s ‘hot milk’ not this froth they try to palm you off with.

So this morning, with no drinkable coffee in the house (I cannot longer stomach Nescafe or even its posh counterpart gold blend) and after already have a tea which was just depressing –tea is for after midday if you ask me- I decided on a hot chocolate…. I know it’s not particularly diet food and no it isn’t one of those gods awful ‘options’ its twinning’s hot chocolate mixed with milk.

In my defence I really don’t fancy cereal this morning, if I’m truthful I didn’t yesterday either despite eating a bowl of porridge bigger than daddy bear’s. So anyway I don’t really like hot chocolate to me it’s always been one of those forbidden things like most drinks with a calorific value over zero.

I suppose when I say I don’t like it, I mean it’s always over rated in my mind and never lives up to  my expectations. This morning however I want anything that will take my mind of not having coffee. And of course I am still drinking it; I find with hot chocolate there is an optimum temperature to drink it at.

There have been so many things I have avoided over the years, milkshakes, smoothies, yogurt drinks. In my mind they are all unnecessary calories when you are trying to diet. Especially when you can put the calories to better use.  I’ve realised now though that isn’t the answer, life should be a varied experience of different tastes and textures. And nothing should be off limits.

Take today for example just because I have had a hot chocolate it shouldn’t then be a downward spiral of eating and self-loathing. I should enjoy the fact I just had a nice hot chocolate but it isn’t going to stop me making healthy choices the rest of the day.

Hang on nope I don’t mean that… by saying healthy choices you again are cutting down 75% of your food options for the day. What I meant was it doesn’t mean I have to blow today out of the ocean and eat everything in my wake.

When it really comes down to it fat people are fat because they eat too much!  However the overeating starts – o fill a void, depression, anxiety- any reason you can think of.  Eventually that goes to the wayside and we continue to over eat because our body has got used to having a plentiful supply of fuel and when we stop that it feels like its imploding.

Seriously I can have a plate of pasta and garlic bread followed by dessert and still is hungry less than an hour later.  I don’t understand how that is possible, so how can others. Sure a scientist might be able to come in and explain some of the physiology behind it, or even a psychologist might come and explain the psychological reasons. At the end of the day though armed with the physiology and psychology isn’t going to stop me eating the bar of chocolate. My body says I’m hungry so dang it I must be hungry!

What we need to do is get in control of our bodies and I’m not talking hypnotherapy.  I’m saying we need to listen to what our body wants for real and what it’s just trying to kid us into eating.  Once we recognise where we are doing the most damage.

A few weeks ago me and Steve had a ready meal each, it looked tiny as I was dishing it up, and I think it was chicken and rice. This was in the midst of an especially good patch, but still the meal looked tiny and I was convinced it wouldn’t be enough for me. I was looking longingly at Steve’s wondering if he was really hungry.

Anyway I had the meal followed by a yogurt and guess what it was enough. I didn’t feel hungry after and went to bed feeling pretty smug with myself. This wasn’t some fluke this was a few weeks of me cutting down and saying no to myself. That led to a point where a smaller meal was enough.

Somewhere though my overeating creeps back up, and I really believe it when I start to over analyse everything I am eating trying to get the quickest results or when I feel that because I had a slice a cake one day and someone commented on it. I feel I have done wrong. When really had been eating cake all along and still lost weight

Sure people want to be helpful and I’m not blaming them for my overeating but what people don’t realise is you are always one mouthful away from blowing your diet so to speak. And it’s actually a horrible feeling knowing what you are doing is ruining all the hard work you have already put in.

So my message is this… don’t conform, don’t listen to people who tell you how so and so lost weight. You do it your way, cut down where you want to and realise your danger spots where you just can’t say no. mine is chocolate there is no limit to the amount of chocolate I can eat. This is why I try to avoid it and replace my sweet treats with cakes or biscuits.

With those I can have an average portion and enjoy it, Knowing I’m not about to trigger a barrage of craving receptors. I also know I can make it a part of my dieting day and still lose weight if I don’t snack between meals or eat after dinner.

Ok so I will admit it my previous post was a bit ‘off’ it’s all very well for me to sit here and say just cut back, exercise more (which is pretty much the talk of the experts, oh except for the voodoo Dr’s who think they have the magic formula that means you never have to go hungry or even exercise, pfft).

So yeah it is easy to say and sometimes I can preach what I say, but then again other times I haven’t a hope in hell. Last week I was good for a few days and then suddenly I found I was thinking about food constantly again. More specifically I was thinking about what I couldn’t eat.

It wasn’t even just about the fact I had limited my options to cereal in the day. It was more the time of day, after getting back into the habit of having a biscuit or even a chocolate with my coffee in the mornings, and the snacking in front of the TV in the evenings.  I wasn’t even hungry at these times, but still I couldn’t stop thinking about food. The worse was when I woke up thinking about food!

To be honest though it wasn’t just limited to those times of the day, it was probably more like the whole day. I just wanted to eat my way through it. A few weeks ago I realised that what the experts had been saying all along about eating for another reason was true, I do eat to supress feelings.

It doesn’t have to be anything major, even just a pfft conversation with Steve or the dogs being pains in the arse. Anything is enough to make me want to sit in front of the TV with a mountain of food and not have to deal with anything. It really does stop me focusing on the other stuff in my life.

In the past my life has = food.

So in a bid to snap myself out of the ‘diet trance’ I was getting into, I stopped again. I stopped thinking about what I could and couldn’t eat. I started thinking about what I WANTED I then tried to reason that really I don’t need a giant bar of chocolate and chocolate brownies would help the craving and fill me up more.

I also planned some nice meals, that I knew we would enjoy, and sure even though I did eat in-between them  I’m know I didn’t eat as much as I could have.  So I’ve taken the time out re-address the situation and now I’m hoping that today onwards I will stay in this more positive frame of mind.

And stick to eating what I know I enjoy, in a quantity that still enables me to lose weight, Rather than eating what I think I should, only to either break it a few hours later. Or to have a slow steady 0.5lb a week weight loss.

This is unusual for me seeing as in the past I have always embraced the whole concept of ‘new years’ and resolutions, a time for change etc.  Also 6 years ago I met my future husband on the 3^rd of January.  After we had spent the whole of 2^nd January on the phone to one another, that is except for his bathroom trips (hangover lol).

This year however I am ready I am excited and I have a general air of ‘bring it on about me’ this year like I said in my previous post I am facing everything head on –now this can be a bit of a problem seeing as I am a typical Taurus bull in a china shop – hopefully though my excitement won’t turn to destruction.

One of the turning points for me has been the realisation that expecting your life to suddenly be everything you want on the 1^st January is not only delusional but unrealistic. I don’t know about you but we always plan a big meal on New Year’s Day and I can guarantee there are still some goodies around.

Also although in ‘fat land’ a diet usually starts on a Monday. It never ever starts on a bank holiday Monday. So why then would we think that new year’s day would be a good day to start being good, if you are one of the many that did start this new year’s day and can say hand on heart that by the 2^nd you hadn’t broken it. Then good for you I’m proud you have done something I could never do.

Again I now know you don’t need to have clear cupboards to diet or no life (parties, coffee with friends, family get together) to have a fighting chance of sticking to it. The other day someone asked ‘when is the best time to start a diet?’  :-s I wanted to reply with ‘firstly don’t diet go back to eating normally’ and secondly there is no ‘time’ just do it ‘Now’

Both I and hubby yesterday commented on how we know our bodies are ready for a few lighter meals. This was over our anniversary meal of Chinese which we couldn’t actually finish. It doesn’t mean we will go hungry it just means we won’t be eating until bulging point. We also feel the need to get out more with the dogs.

On the first of January I wasn’t ready I know I would have been miserable if I had tried to diet that day.  3days later I am ready I am not sitting here thinking about food at all. I know what I am having later for dinner and sure I’m looking forward to it. Now my focus has come back of food, and back to living.

But then I feel totally unhappy when I don’t do any at all. So here is a quickie update. I haven’t done much with Nas since last Thursday other than chase him around the apple trees. I had wanted to ride in front of my friend who was staying just to get a few pointers and her opinion on my weight.

She knows me pretty well and when I said I wasn’t sure about riding him because of my weight her only reply was ‘oh your back on that’ think there must have been a bit of eye rolling involved lol. Well the thing is I was feeling a lot heavier again (more on that later).

She did get to see spirit, and although there isn’t too much to say about a little Shetland I did get her seal of approval as suitability for Horatio. Oh and she felt her teeth and thinks we need the vet out, hmm that’s going to be a nice expense for a very little mouth. Oh well will get it booked I suppose.

We were also quite busy out and about with the kids every day, who had a blast dressing up for Halloween and spooking everyone. The lantern walk at bewilderwood was especially good. And Holkham Hall as always was magical.

So yeah my weight… I started of trying to be in control and stick to my plan. This kind of worked until I realised I was eating more and more until eventually I was pretty much picking at food 24hrs a day. And the more food that went in the more my energy began to go.

To the point in the end where I was falling asleep on the sofa just after 8pm, it was crazy I began to feel so lethargic and lazy. I only seemed to have energy for eating. Hence the no riding, and the fact I have put 6lbs back on.
I decided over the weekend I would get some bathroom scales and seeing s they were quite cheap in argos I just went for it, but since I have got them home I have only been able to get them to register my weight once 22st 6lbs. all the other times they just go blank.

I am thinking that is fate trying to tell me not to have scales, so they are going back. And I will go back to using the supermarket scales. As for being good I really wanted to start yesterday on the first of November.
But it didn’t happen too tired, too many Halloween goodies in the house, and no motivation. Plus that is old skool thinking if I start this date then by this date blah blah… you know the rest.

Still I have woken up motivated enough this morning to think about it at least…

I had it all planned out what I was going to say today. I was thinking about it whilst mucking out and bugger me its gone completely I have no idea what it was I wanted to write. All I do know is that I wanted to do a post today about something relevant to the last couple of days.

Oh well let’s start with the diet side of things, yay I’ve managed to be good for the last 4/5 days I can’t remember if I was good on Tuesday or not. I have stuck to my plan and not waivered except for this morning, I woke up absolutely starving so had a nutella brownie with my coffee. It did the trick and I was able to muck out before 9am for once lol.

I am trying not to focus too much on what I am eating, same as I am trying not to make this blog the focus on what I am eating anymore. In the past it was the first thing I use to read on someone’s success story – no sorry that’s not true, the first thing was how much weight and how quick, annoyingly that usual meant scanning their story to find the appropriate dates – after that I would read their before and after diet sheet.

Boy did I find it depressing, almost all would say:

Breakfast: bowl of cereal (30g) skimmed milk 125ml

Lunch: chicken breast, salad, once slice of wholemeal bread (30g)

Dinner: steamed fish, new potatoes (125g) and vegetables

Snacks: fruit

If there is anything I am certain off is that if my life consisted of the above diet I think I would rather stay fat thank you very much. Focusing on those facts and figures though never once really motivated me enough to actually lose weight. Even the stories where they lost a stone a month, the excitement I felt would soon fizzle out.

This would then leave me feeling like a complete failure, I know these people managed to stick to the plan (or did they). So why couldn’t I, the feelings of self-doubt self-loathing crept in. which is when I would just go all out and eat what I liked. This in turn would make me even more depressed and in a constant circle of emotional eating.

I can’t tell you how nice it is to be free of those feelings of guilt and self-loathing. Or free of the inner turmoil your brain puts you through when trying to stick to a plan or even just trying to decide on a plan. Now I eat for me, when I in the zone I am losing weight for me, and doing it my way. When I am not in the zone and over eating again I am doing it for me. It’s my choice. No longer do I feel like I am searching for the answers, ironically they were within me all along and only now am I beginning to listen to myself.

Sure I have only lost about 3stone in just over a year, and sure I have put on and taken off the same pounds quite a few times. That is insignificant though to the feeling I get from knowing that I weigh less now than I did last year, and that I am still here. Sure I go off on a tangent that can last as long as a few weeks. But here I am still plugging away at this blog and trying to get my weight to go down.

And one of the main benefits is I fell calmer, happier I would even say I have tranquil moments. I know that I can move my body now when needed, and I can really appreciate the down time. Sure I think about the blog or horses and my family when I am chilling. Nothing like In the past when  I would ruin holidays sitting on the beach thinking about the diet I was going to start when I got home because I didn’t want another fat holiday. Sure enough I was still fat at the next one and would again ruin that one thinking if only…

Now I live for the moment, not once when we have been at Holkham beach recently have I thought about my size compared to others, or thought I should keep myself covered up. I have been more up for things… splashing in the sea, and getting involved in local activities. I would say this has come about from losing the 3stone but mainly from actually moving my body again, that extra mobility has been the key for me.

It wasn’t easy but the walks I forced myself to do with the dogs in the beginning are what have got me back into the world of the living, rather than living in a world of food. Sure I wanted to cry with the pain sometimes, but I knew every step I took no matter how small or slow, was doing me nothing but good. Now I don’t have a break down if we have to park further away. Now I know I can manage a day walking around shops without getting tired within the first hour. Oh and last Thursday I was actually out pacing my friend for the first time ever.

So that’s why I don’t want the focus of this blog anymore to be on what I am eating – it’s still going to be about in the how am I page, which I will keep updated. But no longer will I list everything I am eating. You have to find your own way on this journey. It’s a bit like the great British bake off, technical challenge they gave the contestants basic instructions but they had to fill in have the gaps.

This ultimately made the recipe their creation much like it ultimately makes you accountable for your weight loss/gain?  You’re losing weight for you, so it goes without saying you should do it in a way that works for you. The amount of people that are positive because I have lost weight, and then when they ask how I am doing it, they get negative with their comments. And even worse the positive comments can be just as negative… oh so and so lost 5st on Atkins etc. well I’m not so and so and I don’t want to do Atkins. In fact I don’t want to do anything I just want to lose weight.

Food is and always will be a part of my life and I like sharing my experiences with food good or bad, so you will still find mention of food on here, just in a different context. But I will still talk about the scales those figures are important to me. I currently haven’t weighed since last week; I’m not sure why I haven’t I think I forgot one day so it has rolled this way for a few days. I then said I wouldn’t weigh until Monday when I initially planned to try and cut out the desserts of my plan. But that’s not going to happen just yet.

So I don’t know what I weigh right this second, what I’m hoping is that by Tuesday at the latest I will see 22st 0lbs on the scale. If I do then I will be getting on Nas that day, I will keep you posted.

regardless of what i thought of them as a group… i had a personal issue with Claire Richards one normal friday evening, they happened to be on the tv and my boyfriend at the time made an obvious – not sure if you would call it a grunt – hmm lets just say everyone in the room knew at that point he liked claire richards Alot.

i’m not sure if i can say i was hurt, maybe a little surprised at his reaction. and then i couldnt help the thought creep in about it being because she was skinny, ridiculously skinny. now i hadhad my fingers burnt by a particularly skinny fiend, who made a play for my boyfriend in the past. add to that the fact i was overweight, left me feeling pretty crappy about myself.

and yeah when i first saw the pictures of  claire with a bit of weight on i couldnt help but think yeah hah ‘welcome to the fat world”, but then i watched her show the one about losing weight for her wedding. in the end i was rooting for her to fit into the dress. and to have the wedding of her dreams.

and now she’s back with another show, which again i enjoy watching. i think because i see a lot of myself and my awful food habits… when i saw her buy the bacon double cheeseburger i knew we had an affinity, but obviously what with me being 10st heavier i order the xl bacon double cheeseburger!

Alert Burgerking- if you bring back the mushroom double swiss (normal size) i will choose that over the xl bacon double cheeseburger, thus saving me calories and possibly a few pounds of the NHS funding that i am supposedly using. p.s promise i want order 2 (“,)

so back to it ( I think the costing the NHS argument is for another day). she’s a busy mum of 2, who appears to be happy with her life except for confidence issues and an eating habit that is getting out of control. the difference to me is she is trying really trying a hell of a lot sooner than i did. there was a period as i said in my twenties when i just gave up. and yeah i got what i deserved i suppose.

i was eating for england, i wasnt exercising. hmmm i wonder why? depression, exhaustion, stress, anxiety. who knows but i did, and i’m paying for it now.

at the end of the day it boils down to fact we use food as a substitute. for Claire its for not being able to  having the A listers body to go with the voice, and a normal family life with kids. for me other than my weight there has been two main things that have really affected me over the years Money and Hirsutism as a child i grew up in a family that lived hand to mouth. And from my teenage years i have suffered badly with excessive hair.

these two things have dominated my life as much as dieting. you might see the theme that lack of money meant i was never able to afford lazer hair removal.  the only solution in my price range is vaniqa cream, this works but at £75 for a small tube is not something i can always justify – really trying not to start that NHS argument –

Back to the show… i’m enjoying it because it seems like she is going on a bit of a journey to find the answer’s… i do feel like saying tried that, tried that, that didnt work either. but this is something everyone needs to go through. losing weight is a personal choice and you cant get any more personal than how we choose to do it.

so for her doing it on tv and being genine about it is a big thing, its not like the biggest loser where i feel these people have given up their personal choices to follow the rules of a show. or supersize vs superskinny… this i liked in th beginning but has since lost its way and now just seems a name and shame show to me. ooh sorry name and shame with a smile show.

being in the spotlight like that  must be hard though, she will know her fans are behind her trying to be supportive and then you will have the trolls that just want to shame her. and will use any opportunity to do so. plus as much as the magazine said people dont want to see fat girls in their magazines. they do they want to compare and once they are happy with knowledge they are smaller than claire richards who was once in steps!

they can be smug. now this isnt because they are nasty or just plain old bitches, its because they need to feel good about themsleves as well. there is so much pressure nowadays to fit in and fitting in means you are a certain size body shape that can wear this seasons styles that are model on bodies most of us can only dream about.

i couldnt handle that public side, just the few times i have opened myself up for ridicule on the world wide web, i’ve had to go and hide for a few days after. to wake up and not know what could be in the daily papers about me, must be a horrible thing. even if the majority of people are supportive it only takes one nasty comment to make all the the others meaningless.

i think one of the worse comments i have ever had was “get bariatic surgery” really why? is my weight bothering you that much? you feel you have the right to say i potentially risk my life for a surgery that may or may not work for me?

I hope claire either succeeds in losing weight, or accepts herself for who she is now.