The boy was destroying the house again, it’s so disheartening when you clean and then someone makes it dirty again, and I know mums all over the world have this problem. I then had him nagging at me to watch pirates of the Caribbean which when my resolve is low he knows he’s got me lol. It also didn’t help while unpacking the shopping I found the three nutragious bars I was intending on saving until Steve was home.

Needless to say they are gone and so are a few more packets of wotsits I don’t know what it is about maize crisps I am almost as addicted to them as I am nuts and chocolate at the moment. I did however resist going out to buy more chocolate even with the excuse of going to pick up a trampoline I have on reserve, I didn’t go. But I did order kebab in. Why oh why do I do it.  I and the boy did have a lovely time snuggled up on the sofa with two pirates of the Caribbean films.

I’m not sure when it came to me but somewhere between last night and this morning I realised shit! 22st 13lbs is practically 23stone! How did that happen I’ve been looking at these scales for past week and its only today it has properly hit me. No wonder nothing fits and I fell bleugh and tired all the time. I am in that catch twenty two again; I’m not happy with my appearance and bordering on what’s the point mentality.

My hair resembles a bale of straw and I my legs are covered with bite marks still. Most mornings I have to get up at 6am I just end up chucking whatever comes to hand back on. Which then leaves me feeling like a complete scruff bag for the rest of the day? Which I know sounds crazy and it shouldn’t affect my diet etc. but it does. When I feel horrible the only way to stop that is to eat and think fuck it.

So here we go again, start of diet take four, and I already have our sandwiches made ready in the fridge. I wanted to see how they held up being made the night before. Because when the boy goes back to school he wants packed lunches and rather than Steve paying nearly a fiver for a sandwich he will be taking sarnies as well. So it seems crazy that I should have something different. The plan is also to get more organised and have less takeaway’s/ready meals and have more homemade dinners.

It’s also been roughly four months since the beach ride and in that time I think I have ridden twice! You’ll know there have been some genuine reasons why, and yes there are some big ‘ol excuses in there as well.  After his impromptu holiday I think there will be a few more as to why I’m not riding at the moment as well if you are wondering why see the above paragraph lol.

It’s not just my weight but my fitness that holds me back, the last time I got on Nas it was a struggle to lift my foot into the stirrup, sure anyone of any weight who is slightly unfit can have that problem. But for me I know it’s down to both my weight and fitness. And I don’t like it, I have hardly walked the dogs in the past few months and it appears a bit of poo picking doesn’t make up for mucking out every day.

So that kind of sums up where I am at the moment actually NO! That’s not right this is where I was yesterday…

Today …

Is a whole another story, I have woken up hungry but also determined to get back on track; I’ve decided to stop worrying about what I should do/eat and when and just stick to something.  I’ve made a mental decision not to buy any more chocolate –specifically snickers- I’m also going to stop the home baking and put more effort into cooking nice meals.  We all know I think there is always a time and place for cake, right now though I want to limit that until my weight is going in the right direction.

Truthfully it will be a couple of weeks before I get back on Nas again –I don’t see it as fair to bring him in from almost a month off and expect to ride him at my weight- ideally I want to get below the 22st mark before I get back on him. It’s also realistic to say we won’t be doing the cross country. Instead I am going to work towards a dressage test before the end of the year.  In the meantime I will be bringing him back into work gradually.

My fitness got the kick start it needed yesterday and despite a bit of pain in my feet I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would from walking 4miles for the first time in months. I’ve also made a start on the stretches and toning exercises I keep bleating on about. The biggest thing about fitness is just doing so yep I am going to stop sitting there thinking about what I have to and start doing it. I’ve already planned a walk for the dogs later today.

So despite it still being the holidays and hearing the word mummy a billions times a day. I’m back and more determined than ever to finally kick what is holding me back in the butt.

Firstly let me just say my weight has sprung up to 22st 7lbs. really not the direction I want it to go in. ah that reminds me about what I’ve been trying to say. With reference to the title do you want to hear something depressing, well depressing to me at least.

I was looking over some old charts I did last year basically I did a excel sheet of my weigh ins that I had posted on twitter. Just to get an idea of how, where and when I lost weight. I was looking them over when suddenly it dawned on me, I’m still hovering around the same weight I was over a year ago. In fact it’s probably more like 15months.

Now that is depressing I have been on and off the diet more times than my head can cope with. I even got down to 21^st8lbs at one point but now I am heading back towards 23 stone. Something I really don’t want to happen. Even that official half a stone I have just put on is beginning to affect me.

Although some of it could be general stress. However my fitness levels are completely shot, I was walking a good couple of miles no trouble before. But now even walking the few hundred yards to the school is getting harder with each pound that goes back on.  I hate that my breathing has been getting worse again as well.

And despite my best efforts of trying to get into a routine, it’s just not happening. One minute I think the horses are living out the next I am bringing them in –for a reason- but still even if I did get into a routine. It will all be changing in the next 2 weeks.

When the boy is home for the summer holidays (don’t tell anyone this but apart from when he was born I think 6weeks of full on boy time will probably be the biggest chunk of one on one time I have had with him) don’t get me wrong I love him to pieces. But in the past I have always tried to have everything done for the times it’s just me and him.

But now living where we do that just isn’t possible and I won’t be able to watch his every move like I did in the past. I’m going to have to be on the yard when he is about. Hopefully though he will come out and play, but I won’t force him if the weather is crappy. And equally the thought of spending six weeks in the house, does make my head spin.

so yeah not in the best of places right now…

After dinner I was shattered and nearly fell asleep but I held out until 9:30 then I couldn’t go stay up anymore and left Steve to it. I think I must have passed right out because the next thing I knew was him coming to bed.

Next week the boy is going back onto school dinners and Steve is going to be at work full time. So hopefully then I will be able to get into a better routine. And there really is no excuse to make cakes etc. in the week. So I’m thinking I will save the sweet treats until the weekends for the time being.

At least until I am back in control and my weight is going down. I’ve also got to get out with the dogs more in the week. And be more productive with my day. That means no more sitting on the pc surfing. I need to get back out there and just do it.

Exercising both Nas and Spirit as well as walking the dogs. Should be enough fitness to kick start me back into being good. I’ve also got into the horrible habit of eating before lunch hence why I had the flapjack mid-morning. Really I don’t need that and I know I am more than capable of going through to lunch.

It also goes back to my thoughts of what triggers me into eating in the first place. I really thought I could get to grips with eating more often but I really don’t think I can I like the structure of eating twice a day but eating until I am full.

So I am going back to that from Monday… I know I could start today but c’mon I have them both home the weather looks dismal as it always does. We shall see though I am resisting flapjack as I type. We’re also just about to take the dogs out for a walk. The boy has chosen the forest which we have never been to.

Then when we get back I am having some scrambled eggs on toast, with a nice glass of orange juice.

So back to Sunday and oh what a day… I slept quite well Saturday night after realising I wasn’t just nervous about the actual beach ride but also the fact for the first time ever I was going to be towing not one but two horses! (I’m not counting the time I picked up the ponies) a little half tonne pony compared to two tonne of horses is a bit different.

Plus even without a trailer my reversing can be a bit haphazard. Still I just thought about it as breaking the day down into phase’s 1-pick up trailer and Dom, 2-pick up Nas and head to beach. 3-ride on beach, 4-get everyone home & 5-relax eat peanut butter pie. other than a couple of hic-cups it all kind of went to plan.

Domino was a star and despite slipping on his first attempt on the trailer he went straight in after that. We then took a slow journey back to mine to pick up Nas. The boys had a quick hello –Nas took the opportunity to eat Dom’s hay. Again Nas walked straight up and we were off… despite taking it slow we were soon upon the beach.

Now my first worry was Nas being a pig and getting loose. But bless him he was more interested in the grass. The next few minutes were a blur of busy so I couldn’t let the nerves in. I literally tacked him up as quick as. And then before I knew it Maria was helping me mount. Oh my God, I was out in the big wide world on my horse. No school fence to keep us contained.

On the walk up to the beach it was quite busy with people, dogs pushchairs etc. Nas found the cows and parking meters the most interesting. Luckily we held it together; he was quite strong and very on his toes. Have to say if we hadn’t had Dom there for support we would have been all over the place.

We then made our way along the trail through the pine trees which was quite deep at places with tree stumps. Again Nas was very forward moving I was a bit worried about him walking in the deep sand with me on him but he coped just fine. By the time we got to the opening he was a bundle of excitement.  Looking here there and everywhere.

Again he didn’t show any signs of discomfort with me being on him, he was just full of energy.  So we started walking down towards the beach, spooking at every change in the colour of the sand. To give the others a chance to catch up we turned around and heading back a bit. When they caught up though standing was out of the question, so we headed back down to the beach.

After a little napping incident Nas went alongside Dom nicely, I won’t say I wasn’t worried or nervous  because that would be a great big lie and I even had thoughts of this is enough for today and contemplated getting off him to walk him back to the trailer. I stuck with it though knowing he’d be just as lively to lead.

He relaxed a little bit, but it didn’t last long as we got closer to the shore line the starfish’s and shells were freaking him out a little bit. It was then he heard the waves. Unfortunately Dom isn’t too keen about the sound of waves either. So rather than trying to push them on and risk me coming a cropper. We headed back in land.

We did have a couple of canters, to be honest trot was out of the question he was so hyped up his knees were practically hitting his chin, it was easier to canter. Only problem being is I am not really fit enough for canter.  Well it’s really the stopping I’m not balanced enough for. And considering how strong he was being I was very conscious of pulling him up.

At one point I think we even broke into a gallop, at least it felt blooming fast. Luckily there wasn’t anyone in our path, and as much as I would like to of had the strength to keep going, I still needed to know we could stop if needed. It’s been a long time since a horse bolted with me. So the point where everyone was thinking I was squealing with delight.

I was actually saying whoa. I think this must have been the point where I was standing up in my stirrups and flapping my elbows around like I was doing the chicken dance. We did stop in the end, so it was all good. I can’t wait to do it again but be in more control or less worried about him hurting himself or me hurting us both.

We then tried to take a relaxed walk back to the trailer Nas had other ideas and was still quite excited. Even when we went past the cows and scary horse eating parking machines he was still on edge. Right up until the last moment he still felt quite strong. That is until I dismounted, if you can call it that.

For some reason my legs did not want to work and in the words of Maria it looked like I was doing a squat except I fell backwards right onto the wet grass in my nice pink jods. I then found I just had no strength to even get onto all fours. In true superstar form though Nas just used the opportunity to nab some grass while I was rolling around the grass trying to summon the strength to stand.

Think there is a lesson to be learnt in there somewhere, just not sure what it was. Now you would be wrong in thinking the adventure stops there. Whilst we were on our way home sharing some leftover Easter egg. Mid discussion on how well the day had gone, we got flagged down by a woman asking us if we were aware the trailer only had 3wheels!

After getting over the ridiculousness of what she was saying we managed to pull over and take a look, oh my god of course we didn’t know the trailer only had three wheels. After getting over the initial shock of the situation I managed to find my jack and support the trailer a bit. And thank god Maria had attached her spare wheel.

The only problem was we had lost the nuts and were unsure of if the wheel had sheared off or what had happened. Eventually though with the help of Marias dad we managed to work out it was just the wheel that was missing and after taking a bolt of the three remaining wheels. We were able to get the boys home unharmed and unaware of any drama.

All in all it was an amazing day. It was my first beach ride and I cannot wait to go back. In fact that’s it now no looking back I want to get Nas and myself fitter. I think seeing him canter along that beach with me is enough proof he has no problem with carrying my weight at all.

So yesterday was the final break through before the beach ride… I actually did it, I was a bit nervous and an it was a case of ‘just do it’ jelly wobbles that got me through. Oh and the fact I have the best horse ever!  He knew what I was asking from him and he was so up for it.

In the past when I have let others ride him, Nas has been a lil bugger and made them work like hell and still not doing what they want, the times I’ve seen my horse doing a very fast trot around the school refusing to strike of into canter!

But yesterday a despite a couple of false starts and striking of on the wrong leg, which I prefer to call counter-canter,  in truth though at the time I had no idea it was the wrong leg. I was just happy to have him cantering. Boy what a different feeling to what I remember in fairness it has been over 18yrs since I last cantered.

The power from behind that was pushing me up out of the saddle was something I wasn’t expecting. Luckily I had my friend on the ground to give me pointers and tell me to lean back, despite me thinking I was leaning back. It just goes to show what you think you are doing is often not what you are doing.

Excuse my collapsing on him when we come down a pace. It’s one of my weak spots I don’t seem to have the strength to keep myself in tune with him, I think breathing helps at times like that maybe once I get over the whole riding on my nerves thing I will be able to relax a bit more.

I can’t believe the difference in me since last week’s ride even; yesterday I was more agile and even able to lift my leg above the saddle so my friend could tighten the girth. You should have seen me a few weeks ago on the first ride of 2012. I was so unbalanced I was convinced I was going to take him down with me.

The only complaint I have today is my knees hurt both of them. This is unusual normally it’s just my left one that gives me a bit of gyp. I’m not sure if it’s to do with the extra riding or the dismounting. Either way it’s not going to stop me getting on again today.

I tend to make cakes because they are quicker and easier, but biscuits are my real passion it all started when I use to work in an old people’s home and everyone would stop at 10 o clocks for coffee and biscuits with a natter. In fact it’s where my coffee obsession started.

I can’t believe it all started with very sweet milky Nescafe. And has ended up at dark strong espresso, the only thing is I still like a dash of hot milk in it and that’s ‘hot milk’ not this froth they try to palm you off with.

So this morning, with no drinkable coffee in the house (I cannot longer stomach Nescafe or even its posh counterpart gold blend) and after already have a tea which was just depressing –tea is for after midday if you ask me- I decided on a hot chocolate…. I know it’s not particularly diet food and no it isn’t one of those gods awful ‘options’ its twinning’s hot chocolate mixed with milk.

In my defence I really don’t fancy cereal this morning, if I’m truthful I didn’t yesterday either despite eating a bowl of porridge bigger than daddy bear’s. So anyway I don’t really like hot chocolate to me it’s always been one of those forbidden things like most drinks with a calorific value over zero.

I suppose when I say I don’t like it, I mean it’s always over rated in my mind and never lives up to  my expectations. This morning however I want anything that will take my mind of not having coffee. And of course I am still drinking it; I find with hot chocolate there is an optimum temperature to drink it at.

There have been so many things I have avoided over the years, milkshakes, smoothies, yogurt drinks. In my mind they are all unnecessary calories when you are trying to diet. Especially when you can put the calories to better use.  I’ve realised now though that isn’t the answer, life should be a varied experience of different tastes and textures. And nothing should be off limits.

Take today for example just because I have had a hot chocolate it shouldn’t then be a downward spiral of eating and self-loathing. I should enjoy the fact I just had a nice hot chocolate but it isn’t going to stop me making healthy choices the rest of the day.

Hang on nope I don’t mean that… by saying healthy choices you again are cutting down 75% of your food options for the day. What I meant was it doesn’t mean I have to blow today out of the ocean and eat everything in my wake.

When it really comes down to it fat people are fat because they eat too much!  However the overeating starts – o fill a void, depression, anxiety- any reason you can think of.  Eventually that goes to the wayside and we continue to over eat because our body has got used to having a plentiful supply of fuel and when we stop that it feels like its imploding.

Seriously I can have a plate of pasta and garlic bread followed by dessert and still is hungry less than an hour later.  I don’t understand how that is possible, so how can others. Sure a scientist might be able to come in and explain some of the physiology behind it, or even a psychologist might come and explain the psychological reasons. At the end of the day though armed with the physiology and psychology isn’t going to stop me eating the bar of chocolate. My body says I’m hungry so dang it I must be hungry!

What we need to do is get in control of our bodies and I’m not talking hypnotherapy.  I’m saying we need to listen to what our body wants for real and what it’s just trying to kid us into eating.  Once we recognise where we are doing the most damage.

A few weeks ago me and Steve had a ready meal each, it looked tiny as I was dishing it up, and I think it was chicken and rice. This was in the midst of an especially good patch, but still the meal looked tiny and I was convinced it wouldn’t be enough for me. I was looking longingly at Steve’s wondering if he was really hungry.

Anyway I had the meal followed by a yogurt and guess what it was enough. I didn’t feel hungry after and went to bed feeling pretty smug with myself. This wasn’t some fluke this was a few weeks of me cutting down and saying no to myself. That led to a point where a smaller meal was enough.

Somewhere though my overeating creeps back up, and I really believe it when I start to over analyse everything I am eating trying to get the quickest results or when I feel that because I had a slice a cake one day and someone commented on it. I feel I have done wrong. When really had been eating cake all along and still lost weight

Sure people want to be helpful and I’m not blaming them for my overeating but what people don’t realise is you are always one mouthful away from blowing your diet so to speak. And it’s actually a horrible feeling knowing what you are doing is ruining all the hard work you have already put in.

So my message is this… don’t conform, don’t listen to people who tell you how so and so lost weight. You do it your way, cut down where you want to and realise your danger spots where you just can’t say no. mine is chocolate there is no limit to the amount of chocolate I can eat. This is why I try to avoid it and replace my sweet treats with cakes or biscuits.

With those I can have an average portion and enjoy it, Knowing I’m not about to trigger a barrage of craving receptors. I also know I can make it a part of my dieting day and still lose weight if I don’t snack between meals or eat after dinner.

Like all the others I failed miserably, it’s been like this now for over twenty years, I have an occasion I want to look my best for and despite all the best intentions in the world I never quite make it. I had a bit of a whine to a friend yesterday about why I can’t be thin; she replied you can just with lots of hard work.

I have worked hard I have pushed myself, joined gyms walked the dogs. Ate less and less, sure I know I counteract most of it but you would think I would lose some just for the effort I put into it alone, not to mention the money I have spent along the way £100’s of pounds on diet food and exercise equipment. And still here I am at 35yrs old at 22st.

I have sat there through numerous family occasions, nights out with my friends. Dreaming of a time when I will be ‘thin’ and can really start joining in and let people know the real me. I’ve endured many an embarrassing moment where I’ve wanted the ground to swallow me whole.  The worst being when it took three lads to try and squigg me into nemesis at Alton towers.

Bless them though for without their help I would have just driven 3hrs for nothing.  I love theme parks and can’t wait for the boy to be tall enough to go on the rides. I was hoping to go to LEGOLAND this Easter holiday, but I really didn’t want to go to another theme park and watch others have fun.

I digress  though from the point of this post… whilst laying on the beach I was surrounded by happy families with young babies  and lots of women in bikini’s (one woman in a thong bikini, not a pretty sight) it was then that I decided when I got home I was going to stick to three healthy meals a day. 2litres of water and one treat.  Yep I had the original 3…2..1. Diet.

You might have guessed I never really stuck to it; I still went looking for the magic potion that would just melt the fat away. After my post yesterday I really thought I would stick to what I said, oh my god by the time lunch time was here I was in a foul mood.  There was no way I could have lasted until dinner time. So I made a choice to have a sandwich… just the one mind and not an extra piece of bread on the sly while I was making it.

So there you have it, I have gone full circle and decided enough is enough I am going to have three meals a day and see where that gets me. All the other things I have done haven’t worked so now it’s time to try and be healthy while eating normally. Whoa there though I’m not going to be adding snacks in. I do like something sweet after I have eaten a meal though so will continue to have some kind of dessert.

Obviously my goal is to lose weight and maintain that weight so I still need to make changes.

I can be such a numpty at times, for the past five years I have been looking for an exercise regime that I can fit into my life with a young child and animals to look after. The answer was there all along…. Ride!

Sometimes I don’t even need a trigger, before I even know why I am eating copious amounts of chocolate. It also has no relevance to external influences:  rain or shine, skint or flush, bad or good. There is no explaining someday why I do the things I do. Sure I often set myself up for failure by buying something I intend to have at a later date.

The amount of times I have been at a function and refused food only to stop on the way home I then over compensate for my earlier abstinence and usually end up feeling sick. The good thing about the plan I am on at the moment is eating between meals isn’t an option.

Believe me in the past I have eaten my entire allowance just on the snacks…  and talk about arse about tit I even once used to start my point day in the evening on the evening meal. Which on occasion would take up my whole allowance, I remember once having half a point for the whole day.

Even last night I was tempting myself with thoughts of what I could find in the kitchen,  in the end I took myself up to bed in an attempt to stop myself raiding the cupboards. It worked but the down side is I had a restless night and now I am tired I am more liable to say sod it.

Still I will be strong and hold out until Sunday when I get to weigh again and see if all my hunger pangs have been worth it. I’m really hoping to be back below 22stone. Just open I can keep on top of the cravings until then J

If you’re curious my phases of dieting are:

Day one: feeling kind of good, a little bit hungry but if motivation levels are high I would almost say I’m smug.

Day two: feeling a bit hungrier, still motivated and thinking of the end goal. Definitely more toilet stops.

Day three: the tough one wake up hungry and tired from middle of the night toilet stops.

Days four & five: no energy beyond 8pm could quite easily crawl under the duvet and hibernate.

Day 7+: generally fed up, beginning to think about the foods I haven’t had. And is it really all worth it. And a lot of self-doubt.

Even though some clothes feel looser others don’t. Even though I know I’ve been good I start telling myself hmm well was that XL burger really being that good.  The doubting is the worse and most destructive side effect it’s the one that is most likely going to lead to me breaking my plan.

Overall though I know I am eating less and if I need proof I just have to listen to my tummy.

But still I don’t like it; weekends are family time aren’t they? On the other hand they are the perfect horsey time, no rushing to get Horatio dressed or planning times for picking Steve up from the station. So unless we have family visiting, the weekends are ours to do what we want with.

So why then do I spend most of it in the house milling around, tidying up or cooking :-S I can see my yard from the kitchen window and look at it longingly the only thing holding me back is a feeling I should be having family time. And maybe sometimes the weather, if it even looks cold I don’t want to risk it. And then I get pleasantly surprised when I do go out there –usually too late to do anything by then-.

The other biggest factor is I’m not riding! I mean sure I love spending time with Nas and even just on the yard I can find jobs to do. But when it really comes down to it, if I could just go out there tack up and head out for a hack. I’m sure I would be out there more.

I’m in that vicious cycle at the moment, Nas needs to be fitter for me to ride him whatever my weight, I’m currently not doing so good on the diet so my weight is too heavy to ride anyways… yes I am frustrated, yes I should just pull it together… but I can’t ride and if I had a crying smiley I would insert it here.

Add that revelation to the previous my head is in quite a pickle. I need to pick myself up from the strop dust of my horse and spend some time in the school playing with him. Instead of getting cross with him because he is frustrated and acting out.

So I made a vow the weekend before last, that the horses will come first. When I thought about it though it didn’t seem very practical, Horatio needs to ride his pony and NAs needs exercising but first thing in the morning they just want to go out, and we just aren’t that organised or we like to walk the dogs first thing. Then come the afternoon I struggle to get motivated (again I think this is down the just not riding).

So I just thought actually we could do it early, but then I remembered it’s easier to walk the dogs early because the car park gets busy :-s see what I mean that’s how my head goes around. The problem is I then end up not doing any of it.

And that’s why no matter what this weekend coming, I am going to make sure they will all get their quality time.  The horses, Dogs and Horatio all need to be doing more, not to mention me and Steve lol. The other thing is we can’t just flake after doing one thing; we need to do it all.

I’ll let you know how it goes next week.