We didn’t have dinner last night not in the conventional sense anyhow. Shadow the new puppy we have acquired managed to get himself trodden on by Nas (totally wasn’t Nas’s fault) and to make it worse he got pushed along underneath as poor Nas tried not to hurt him anymore while getting out of the way.  Thank god he was unharmed we did think he had broken his paw but despite being shaken he was soon up and running again -after a couple of sweet biscuits- looking at him now if you hadn’t of seen it you wouldn’t believe it had happened.

Needless to say I needed something sweet after that, what I did have though was a bucket of soup with some tear and share bread. This helped to a point but my nerves were still synapsing most the day. In the end I couldn’t bare it anymore and munched my way through deal or no deal (yep a guilty pleasure of mine. It just so happens to come on at 5pm which is when I am in the house with the boy). I then proceeded to have prawn crackers and large dairy milk for dinner once I picked Steve up. Not quite the spaghetti carbonara ready meal I had planned lol.

Hence why I woke up hungry this morning and thought sod it I will have some porridge with the boy. I also think the advert I saw yesterday about porridge lowering cholesterol might have helped in my decision. Not that I have any idea about my cholesterol levels or have any intention of finding out. Like I said the other day all I’m interested in is my weight and whether I can ride Nas or not. It was pretty tasty but it feels a long time ago now and lunch feels even longer away!

It might not also be helped by the fact I’ve come in from the rain, I got soaked just putting the horses out and I only had a long sleeved top on with my gilet. I wasn’t happy hence why I am in before really doing anything on the yard. The forecast says it should clear up later so I figured I was better off waiting and doing it then.  This however is not helping my need to not be sitting around thinking about food -as I reach for a mint- I’ve already had 4 coffees this morning and I now feel so hungry I don’t think it would make a difference if I had another one anyhow.

So the big question of today will be can I hold out until lunchtime:-s

I have become more accepting of myself though and it has given me a real chance to find myself -not wanting to sound too corny- I think I have finally realised what it is that I want/need. I also realised I’ve been living on the edge of depression for a while now, which hasn’t been good for those around me, what with our added stresses and the constant feeling that something is going to go wrong.

Ever since last year when Nas got ill, the car broke down and not to mention the money worries. I have found it hard to enjoy life without that constant feeling of dread in the back of my head. I think that is why I bury my head in the munchies with an escapism film. I don’t even have the drive to play computer games like I used to, it’s far easier to sit on Facebook or to immerse myself in reality TV.

The irony is… life is good, I love my family we live in a nice area with good friends and I have the horse’s right outside my back door. Ok they are living out at the moment which does make it easier to do bare minimum. I did bring Nas back into work last week though and he had a back lady out. Who confirmed my thoughts that he wasn’t quite right on his near side? Mid neck and back were both in need of attention.

It’s done the trick though and now he doesn’t look like a ‘cut and shut’ anymore. I have yet to exercise him since she came, hopefully later today.  That’s part of my problem I will say and plan in my head what I am going to do when but then it all goes out the window when I get distracted elsewhere and before I know it I’ve run out of time. This happened last week for the entire week, although I know I wasn’t sitting on my arse all day I still have no idea of what I actually achieved.

It’s the same with the old diet at the moment; I make a plan in my head I then do something and completely forget where or what I was trying to do. That is until I work through the same thought process and realise bugger I’ve already thought of that. What’s worse is its happening more than once, even this morning it happened.

Obviously I know it’s that sneaky part of me that is trying to trick me into believing it won’t hurt to have just a little smidgen of cake! The problem is on a daily basis it does hurt and rarely does it stop at just a little smidgen. Even now I’m thinking hmmm maybe I should have a yogurt with my lunch. Which I’m sure you are probably thinking is fine. Nope not for me I then work out the calories in those yogurts and figure hey I can have a small choccy bar for that!

See where I’m going?

So my question to you is one that’s been bugging me for a while:

Is it better to learn to ‘live without’ your guilty pleasure in the house or to learn to ‘live with it’ in the house.

It’s a little melodramatic all for a piece of chocolate I know, but you see I figured if I could live with it in the house without binging surely that is better. But then I should be able to not have it in the house without going out of my mind when I have a craving and there isn’t even a jar of nuttella to see me through.

To make matters worse the sun is shining today –ok it’s still a bit nippy, but hell it’s shining and I want to be out there enjoying it – not stuck in the house feeling like poop. Every time I look outside it hurts my eyes and I squint. So much for having some proper horsey time today just putting them out took all my strength.

I can’t help but think I should push through it, but then I also know I just want to get better and despite the sun shining it is still bitter out there. I would rather get better as soon as possible than prolong this poxy cold any longer than I have to. Besides there is still stuff I can do in the house and I have the boy home for the holidays so he will want entertaining.

Just a shame he mentioned riding this morning, I just don’t have the strength or patience for that today he hasn’t done anything with the ponies in months and I need to have a good sort out of their tack etc. last time he rode I think we shared the bridle (ooh might have to go shopping). If I’m lucky he might help with the mucking out for some pocket money.

One thing I am pushing on with though is the 30 day squat challenge I mentioned on twitter last night. I did my first set of 50 yesterday it was tough going but I remembered to push down through my heels and I also use my arms as a bit of propulsion. This surprised me when they started to sting. I did the first set of 25 then had a breather before pushing on. It was the final 5 I really began to struggle and grunt my way through it.

My motivation for the squats is I feel they are a good precursor to rising trot which I hope to be doing again very soon. The plan is to be back on Nas by my birthday, which just gives us just over four weeks to get back in shape. This is why I suppose I really should find the energy to at least spin him on the lunge later. I’m beginning to realise little bursts of extra effort here and there actually go a long way.

As for weight etc. I got on the scales today and I’m 23st 6lbs which considering the amount of chocolate and food I ate over the weekend it’s not bad. I did try to control it a bit while still enjoying myself. Yesterday though I realised no matter what time I have lunch/brunch I cannot go through until dinner without a little something in-between.

So despite feeling like poop I am going to push on and hope the thought of spring coming helps keep me motivated.

I managed to put myself into a foul mood first thing yesterday by eating some of the coffee chocs I had left with my coffee. This kind of led from one thing to another and before you know it we were having hot cross buns before I’d even given the horses their brekkie! I know your prob thinking that’s ok. But It didn’t stop there those hot cross buns were the lever I need to open the tomb of munchkin land. I pretty much snacked and nibbled my way through the rest of the day.

And boy was I pissed off with myself. I want to enjoy my food but I knew yesterday I was taking it too far. If I’m honest I blame the hot cross buns… See I consider them along the lines of toast, but they aren’t they don’t fill you up and just leave you with a this empty but bloated feeling. Which is exactly what I said to my friend via text when I was moaning to her about my splurge. It didn’t help my mood much when she text me later to say she’d had a lovely hack.

just as I was in the middle of mucking out, something I really didn’t want to be doing yesterday and wasn’t helped by fact Nas had done twice his normal droppings -time to cut back the haylage I think- add that to the always dirty and messy mo, I was not in the best of moods. I did have a revelation though and realised I did actually want to be out there. Just not to spend all my time mucking out. On a plus note Nas was shod on Wednesday (touch wood) so far he’s sound. Fingers crossed he will be coming back into work on Monday.

I wrote this post today because I was sitting here with my morning coffee struggling to fight those munches again. I had sneaked a bite of one of the easter cookies I made yesterday, luckily the boy was there and I handed it over to him. So now I’m struggling with the fact I have eaten something and I might as well continue, but I want to be good! I know later on today food will be in abundance. that’s why I want to limit it now. But equally I’m thinking maybe at weekends I should have three meals.

I shall let you know what I decided….

Hope you all have a Happy Easter! Despite the snow and my pah mood I am enjoying having my boys home x

Ok maybe it wasn’t that much of a surprise considering the goodies we had in the house. It was without a doubt my favourite goodie and I didn’t share it with anyone! I have to admit to being rather disappointed when it ran out. Because like all good serial dieters in the back of my head I’m thinking Ooh this is it now no more chocolate.

You know those kind of thoughts where you seriously believe you aren’t going to be buying anymore goodies after Christmas, because once the goodies are all gone this is it you are going cold turkey and finally get on the dieting wagon! These thoughts fill you with a feeling of dread and hope all rolled into one.

You know you want to be that person, you know you need to be that person, in fact you have to be that person. The strong minded individual who can give up all those nice sweet textures you’ve been enjoying over the last few weeks – if not longer – so why then is it so god damn hard. You know you’ve had your fill of goodies almost to the point of sickness.

And yet just a few days into the new year you want them. For me it’s sooner I want them once I realise there is nothing left in the quality street worth eating (I do not consider fudge or strawberry creams goodies, they come under the heading of rations). I think one of the reasons I find it hard to be good after Christmas is because its full on chaos for us, and eating is very much a grab and go thing.

It did make me chuckle the other day when we went shopping and our trolley was full of biscuits crisps, chocolates etc all the things we usually buy but had been replaced with supposedly nicer christmas stuff. When I looked around people had trolleys full of fruit and vegetables. But not your everyday stuff this was new year new you diet food, stuff guaranteed to be sending you back into tesco’s a few days later for real food.

So I am still undecided whether to go cold cadburys or not. Right now it’s hard to make an informed decision especially as my dear husband of 6 years yesterday. Is telling me christmas isn’t over until the 6th its hard to argue when you wake up and the first thing you think about is chocolate biscuits to go with you coffee.

I have decided to take it one step at a time to get back on this proverbial wagon….

I’m off to have a grooming day with the horses, something else I am getting back into the swing off one step at a time.

Its time to make the horses and my diet a priority. Also on the list of priorities is my fitness, its soo bad that I’m actually not that disappointed I’m over the 23st mark.

The last time I rode Nas I struggled to get my foot in the stirrup (from a mounting block!) I was so stiff it wasn’t funny. I really didn’t want to force myself into it today and then be left feeling deflated.

So the plan is to get us both back into work gradually, over the next 6-8weeks. As for the diet today I am trying not to snack and look forward to the yummy roast beef we are having later.

I feel so toxic from all the junk food recently, although I don’t think I can blame it on junk food as such. Maybe just the volume of food. Oh and don’t forget party buffet food!.

I’ve come to realise that stuff is lethal. Not only does it not fill you up. It also makes u feel like crap. My task for the next year is to find some quick,easy,tasty canape recipes.

As for chocolate I’m not sure where I stand at the moment. The obvious choice is to give it up altogether but we all know how that ends up. We also know what happens when I try to take the posh route.

I eat all the ones I like and give the others to the dogs. I then feel robbed because they aren’t cheap. Hmmm think I will talk more on this tomorrow…

The boy was destroying the house again, it’s so disheartening when you clean and then someone makes it dirty again, and I know mums all over the world have this problem. I then had him nagging at me to watch pirates of the Caribbean which when my resolve is low he knows he’s got me lol. It also didn’t help while unpacking the shopping I found the three nutragious bars I was intending on saving until Steve was home.

Needless to say they are gone and so are a few more packets of wotsits I don’t know what it is about maize crisps I am almost as addicted to them as I am nuts and chocolate at the moment. I did however resist going out to buy more chocolate even with the excuse of going to pick up a trampoline I have on reserve, I didn’t go. But I did order kebab in. Why oh why do I do it.  I and the boy did have a lovely time snuggled up on the sofa with two pirates of the Caribbean films.

I’m not sure when it came to me but somewhere between last night and this morning I realised shit! 22st 13lbs is practically 23stone! How did that happen I’ve been looking at these scales for past week and its only today it has properly hit me. No wonder nothing fits and I fell bleugh and tired all the time. I am in that catch twenty two again; I’m not happy with my appearance and bordering on what’s the point mentality.

My hair resembles a bale of straw and I my legs are covered with bite marks still. Most mornings I have to get up at 6am I just end up chucking whatever comes to hand back on. Which then leaves me feeling like a complete scruff bag for the rest of the day? Which I know sounds crazy and it shouldn’t affect my diet etc. but it does. When I feel horrible the only way to stop that is to eat and think fuck it.

So here we go again, start of diet take four, and I already have our sandwiches made ready in the fridge. I wanted to see how they held up being made the night before. Because when the boy goes back to school he wants packed lunches and rather than Steve paying nearly a fiver for a sandwich he will be taking sarnies as well. So it seems crazy that I should have something different. The plan is also to get more organised and have less takeaway’s/ready meals and have more homemade dinners.

Yesterday again I tried to be good and I was right up until I realised I had an hour to kill before picking Steve up from the station, I then had marmite on fresh bread, crisps, chocolate followed by McDonalds and more chocolate. I was in a grouchy mood yesterday as well; I didn’t actually get out to the horses until late afternoon. Which is a first for me, I at least go and check them first thing but for some reason yesterday it was all a bit too much.

On Monday in my defence I was in agony, the walk on Sunday had taken its toll my shins were in constant pain and my foot was bruised because whenever I moved it I felt pain across the top and not to mention the poxy horse fly bites I am now covered in.  So yeah I was feeling a little sorry for myself, typically it was only as I was heading to bed I thought damn I should have taken some pain killers for my aches and pains.

Then yesterday although I wasn’t aching as much I was still tender and very tired. Even my friend commented on how harassed I look on Monday, I just think it’s down to tiredness and the constant ness of having the boy on holidays. But still I made an effort to be good and didn’t have anything until about one when we had lunch, a ham and tomato sarnie. The thing is it just didn’t feel enough and I still felt hungry after.

And this is where I made a big mistake I ended up thinking hmm just having a sarnie isn’t enough I should make it into a proper lunch so I had some wotsits and the last piece of flapjack. I instantly felt bloated and knew I’d had too much. It’s such a pain because I then really didn’t feel like going out to the horses for the exact opposite reason of why I didn’t want to half hour before.  I did force myself to though and ended up exercising Nas and Spirit, I wasn’t happy about it and was grumping at them both as well.

So this morning I have woken up to being the same weight I was on Monday, with a massive hankering to start my day with a bowl of cereal. I mean proper hunger pangs which led to me thinking you know what I should have breakfast blah blah. Luckily I was in the car at the time and some time to think why!  I then remembered all the other times I had thought the same thing but it had only led me to thinking pah I’ve blown it now or worse the times I was halfway through the cereal only to realise half way through I didn’t actually want it.

I’m pleased to say the cravings soon passed when I really thought about it and it has also led me to be more determined to stick to ‘A sandwich’ at lunchtime. Also it’s made me think a bit more about my cravings and try to decipher them. this morning i didnt really want cereal I just didn’t want to diet. The crazy thing deep down  I do!

It’s also been roughly four months since the beach ride and in that time I think I have ridden twice! You’ll know there have been some genuine reasons why, and yes there are some big ‘ol excuses in there as well.  After his impromptu holiday I think there will be a few more as to why I’m not riding at the moment as well if you are wondering why see the above paragraph lol.

It’s not just my weight but my fitness that holds me back, the last time I got on Nas it was a struggle to lift my foot into the stirrup, sure anyone of any weight who is slightly unfit can have that problem. But for me I know it’s down to both my weight and fitness. And I don’t like it, I have hardly walked the dogs in the past few months and it appears a bit of poo picking doesn’t make up for mucking out every day.

So that kind of sums up where I am at the moment actually NO! That’s not right this is where I was yesterday…

Today …

Is a whole another story, I have woken up hungry but also determined to get back on track; I’ve decided to stop worrying about what I should do/eat and when and just stick to something.  I’ve made a mental decision not to buy any more chocolate –specifically snickers- I’m also going to stop the home baking and put more effort into cooking nice meals.  We all know I think there is always a time and place for cake, right now though I want to limit that until my weight is going in the right direction.

Truthfully it will be a couple of weeks before I get back on Nas again –I don’t see it as fair to bring him in from almost a month off and expect to ride him at my weight- ideally I want to get below the 22st mark before I get back on him. It’s also realistic to say we won’t be doing the cross country. Instead I am going to work towards a dressage test before the end of the year.  In the meantime I will be bringing him back into work gradually.

My fitness got the kick start it needed yesterday and despite a bit of pain in my feet I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would from walking 4miles for the first time in months. I’ve also made a start on the stretches and toning exercises I keep bleating on about. The biggest thing about fitness is just doing so yep I am going to stop sitting there thinking about what I have to and start doing it. I’ve already planned a walk for the dogs later today.

So despite it still being the holidays and hearing the word mummy a billions times a day. I’m back and more determined than ever to finally kick what is holding me back in the butt.

But not for us in fact as I’ve mentioned before even the whole concept of ‘summer holiday’ is a new one for us. And as much as I love having my boy around who is very cuddly and sweet, ok he is also spoilt and very naggy but hey he is my son after all.

So I’m thinking I’m going to have to forgo the luxury of the lay in’s we’ve been managing to wangle the last few days. The price we pay is having the boy up later, but then it is a small price to pay to lie in past 7am. Most mornings I do wake up earlier, but I have been lying in and am sure we even hit 8am one morning.

But if I want to be serious about getting on and with Nas, then really I am going to have to do some work first thing in the morning with him, before the boy is up. I don’t seem to have enough energy left at the end of the day to do anything. Even getting up to bed is a chore, often I would prefer to be left to sleep on the sofa. Plus like I said evenings are out because our family days are longer, dinner is later.

The problem is am not that motivated in the mornings either, I tend to have a couple of coffees do a bit of surfing on www, all still in my pyjamas. And like this morning I am doing a post. All this while looking at the pile of paperwork in front of me and thinking about the housework and washing that needs to be done. So is it any surprise that I choose the option of a day out.

Of course I check the horses over and give them breakfast, top up their fly spray and any other creams and lotions they might need. But that’s about it; I haven’t poo picked in a few days and have to admit to putting it off. I had hoped that while Steve was home me and the boy would use the time to really get on with our riding, but this week has been a complete wash out. First mother in law was here and now we are making the most of any nice weather.

My diet hasn’t been that good either, well in a way it has I have tried sticking to the 2 meals, 2 treats, but there has been sometimes I deviate, especially when watching the Olympics. On the whole though I am quite pleased with the small changes I have been making to incorporate some fresher healthier cleaner food. And when I mean cleaner I mean not laden with oil etc.

Oh and I have been walking a lot more, yesterday we went down to the sea a couple of times, which was quite a trek and when mother in law was here we went around a couple of nature trails, so I am definitely doing more in that sense. Now if only I could do the horses on top of that I’m sure my weight would go down.