By now I talk nonsense at times. I can also be a bit hypocritical, a bit daft, I can even talk a lot of crap. The one thing I hope I don’t talk is condescending, not even to the boy, ok the hubby has seen that side to me but then in my defence he has quite a few palm to head moments. And like most men they are usually when he is being dead set serious, I would say almost authoritarian.

It doesn’t happen but every so often he likes to roar and show he is the man of the house. That is until I show him otherwise. In his defence he does no how to bleed radiators. But it still doesn’t make up for the fact I have a water butt rolling around the yard because he insisted on emptying it out completely on a windy day.

However I digress, my point is yesterday’s post is utter tosh. I didn’t stick to the plan in fact I went out of my way to get some cadburys. Sure it was an emotional day for me, what with seeing my stats rise suddenly I looked into the source of all this attention. Sure. Enough it was that old friend horse & hound online (HHO) … Normally this stuff washes over me, but add that to the issues we are having with the boys school. It was all a bit much.

That’s done and dusted now though, me and the boy are having a nice half term chilling out. And as for HHO again the arguments against me riding were pretty poor and based on personal preference with the old chestnut of 20% being thrown around. Although its all futile at the moment seeing as Nas is still lame. It’s hard to grade how lame because it varies, plus I’m now at that point where I am looking for something I can’t see so it must be there, or is it?

As for the diet I take back everything I have ever said about my meal plans. Yesterday I realised I have become that person I didn’t want to be… The one where food was taking precedence over all else. I also realised I’m a pig! Yep you heard right. I need to feel full from a meal in order to survive until the next meal, otherwise I am sure to snack ie: binge. Again you heard right I am a binge eater. I eat for emotional reasons as well as being hungry.

There are days when I just can’t seem to feel full up no matter what I eat. There are also days when despite not being hungry I just want to eat constantly. These days are horrible because I know I shouldn’t be but I just can’t help going back to the cupboard for more and more. It usually ends up with me feeling either thoroughly sick, very depressed with myself, or even annoyed that I don’t have anything nice to eat in the house.

So yes I am a total nightmare, and to make it worse I’ve been like this for years, going round and round in circles, over thinking stuff. Making mistakes, trying to change them and then making them again. This is the problem when you are addicted to food it dictates your whole life. Your miserable when you are eating and your miserable when your not. I swear some of the my happiest periods have been when food isn’t in the forefront of my mind. If not the happiest then definitely the calmest most at ease I’ve been.

This is why I like the simplicity of only eating twice a day, I know it’s enough for me to lose weight at a rate that keeps me motivated. It also means I don’t have to go over and over it in my mind, trying to make bargains with myself or trying o preempt what will happen in the day. Ok I will be honest and say when I first started this post at 7am I was all for eating smaller more frequently. Six hours later and after half a post declaring the positives I’ve realised it’s not for me.

I’ve also realised any kind of dieting in the school holidays is a challenge!