I can’t believe it’s been nearly two weeks again since I last did a post, that’s if you can call posting a video as much of a post. Still thought I would say I’m still here fighting the battle of the bulge and trying to get the house organised, as well as having some horse time. I have been feeling a little bit overwhelmed with life in general at the moment. It still feels like it’s been one thing after another. And even though we are trying to simplify things it just never seems to change.

I have become more accepting of myself though and it has given me a real chance to find myself -not wanting to sound too corny- I think I have finally realised what it is that I want/need. I also realised I’ve been living on the edge of depression for a while now, which hasn’t been good for those around me, what with our added stresses and the constant feeling that something is going to go wrong.

Ever since last year when Nas got ill, the car broke down and not to mention the money worries. I have found it hard to enjoy life without that constant feeling of dread in the back of my head. I think that is why I bury my head in the munchies with an escapism film. I don’t even have the drive to play computer games like I used to, it’s far easier to sit on Facebook or to immerse myself in reality TV.

The irony is… life is good, I love my family we live in a nice area with good friends and I have the horse’s right outside my back door. Ok they are living out at the moment which does make it easier to do bare minimum. I did bring Nas back into work last week though and he had a back lady out. Who confirmed my thoughts that he wasn’t quite right on his near side? Mid neck and back were both in need of attention.

It’s done the trick though and now he doesn’t look like a ‘cut and shut’ anymore. I have yet to exercise him since she came, hopefully later today.  That’s part of my problem I will say and plan in my head what I am going to do when but then it all goes out the window when I get distracted elsewhere and before I know it I’ve run out of time. This happened last week for the entire week, although I know I wasn’t sitting on my arse all day I still have no idea of what I actually achieved.

It’s the same with the old diet at the moment; I make a plan in my head I then do something and completely forget where or what I was trying to do. That is until I work through the same thought process and realise bugger I’ve already thought of that. What’s worse is its happening more than once, even this morning it happened.

Obviously I know it’s that sneaky part of me that is trying to trick me into believing it won’t hurt to have just a little smidgen of cake! The problem is on a daily basis it does hurt and rarely does it stop at just a little smidgen. Even now I’m thinking hmmm maybe I should have a yogurt with my lunch. Which I’m sure you are probably thinking is fine. Nope not for me I then work out the calories in those yogurts and figure hey I can have a small choccy bar for that!

See where I’m going?

So my question to you is one that’s been bugging me for a while:

Is it better to learn to ‘live without’ your guilty pleasure in the house or to learn to ‘live with it’ in the house.

It’s a little melodramatic all for a piece of chocolate I know, but you see I figured if I could live with it in the house without binging surely that is better. But then I should be able to not have it in the house without going out of my mind when I have a craving and there isn’t even a jar of nuttella to see me through.