A Good night’s sleep until the pipes woke me up with a start. The last few nights I have been woken by a really nasty sneezing fit where my nose felt like I had been snorting chillis. It was so uncomfortable I came down at 2am to get priritize the other night.

Lack of sleep or just general tiredness is one of the many reasons why I break my diet… when my eyes are sleepy and I need to stay awake or focused. Food -more specifically chocolate lol- is often the only thing to keep me functioning.

The weird thing is I can be bumbling along just fine. Then suddenly out of the blue it hits me a wave of tiredness… it’s almost like it is driving me to the treat box. Because you know I need it. I need that sugar to keep going through the rest of the day.

I have tried replacing the snack with a healthy piece of fruit many a time. And 99% of the time I will end up having the fruit and the sweet treat. It’s a bit like the cereal issue I have. I have tried it time and time again. But fruit doesn’t satisfy me it actually makes me hungrier!

I love food… I enjoy eating different types I enjoy eating it alone or in company. The only time I don’t like food is when I eat it out of desperation. When either I’ve got too hungry and I think blow the diet and I eat everything in my sight. Or when I am trying to be ultra-good and eat stuff I don’t really like but I so want to lose this weight.

Which is the other time I hate food… when I become stressed about not losing weight? When I feel like i’m going round in circles. Binge,=diet=binge=extreme diet=extreme binge that usually last a few weeks. Until my head is back in a place where it can even contemplate dieting again.

I was watching a comedian the other night who was saying that everything good thing in life he paid for with a little dip in his mood (not exact translation but you get the point loll) one scenario was just had a kitkat-whee then oooh as he had a mini dip. this is very much like me… hmmm just had a lovely roast dinner, and almost as you are enjoy the thought the dip creeps in and your then going argh I had a high calorie high fat dinner, that extra potato is going to screw my diet this week

That’s why i’m fat… if I want to be thin I shouldn’t eat roast dinners ever again!

I’ll say it again a roast dinner won’t make you fat. Eating three roast dinners and snacking will make and keep you fat. This last week we have had a lot of takeaways. Which are all very well if I don’t eat the slab of dairy milk after?

My brain is so set on I’ve been bad might as well continue the theme record at the moment it’s just crazy thinking though. This time last year I was losing weight and still eating takeaways. but the self-doubt creeps in esp. when I watch diet programmes and hear these people say you have to do x y or z to lose weight healthily!

This self-doubt is almost like the feelings I had when I first got Nas, I did the searches online about weight limits for horses. And all I would find were these forum discussions where people put their own assumptions to what a horse can carry. They would say a ridiculous weight like 12st… And then to justify this everyone would say at the end “well you know horses aren’t meant to be ridden”

But off course it was ok for them to ride because they were within that limit. At the time I was greatly influenced by what I was reading and at one point considered Nas a rather large lawn ornament. I realise now they said a ridiculous weight because then it kept them as part of the elite few who were in the riding club.

Over  the  last few years I have managed to let go of people’s ideals for  riders.

I think it will take a lot longer to let go of 20years of following the wrong diet advice for me.