About 5 weeks ago I was all hyped and excited about getting my arse back in the saddle by New Year, that hasn’t happened. Then at about 4 weeks I was all ready to start a plan that would involve more meals but smaller ones, that didn’t happen. Then I decided I would just go with the flow get everything sorted and get on top of everything before I started any more talk of plans or goals. And where has that left me….

Three weeks until Christmas, and if we want to get really technical this time in three weeks it will all be over! Of course most of my plans involve the New Year so it’s technically just under four weeks. And although I had some whimsical notion that I would see the New Year in by riding. Like most New Year’s resolutions I know that just isn’t going to happen. It’s not because I don’t want it too or haven’t in the past tried. But no matter how you look at it new year’s day is a bank holiday and not just any bank holiday it’s the first one of the year and I like to make the most of those little extra down time days by taking it easy with my family.

To be fair in the past we have usually been entertaining the family members we didn’t get to see at Christmas. It’s almost like another Christmas day just without the presents. This year I do believe we will be on our own. We were having a quiet Christmas up until about 2 weeks ago when everything changed and we now have a plethora of guests arriving from the 21^st until the 28^th of December. It’s going to be hectic to say the least… luckily I love it. Family at Christmas is what it’s all about to me. What I don’t love is that we have two more weeks at school. Which would be ok just? If it wasn’t for the nativity, the school disco, the drop in session, the cake sale and an end of school assembly. Yep all that in the next two weeks and I’m sure I’ve missed something out.

So with all the will in the world I just know I won’t be in any state to start thinking about exercising the horses for at least another four weeks. Which I do find frustrating but equally I know on some days it’s enough just to have to muck them out. Esp. Christmas morning in the past 6 yrs. I have realised there really is no good time to go out and do them. I hate that feeling of leaving my family inside. On the flip side though there are times when I am outside with the horses and I hate leaving them to join my family. It really does feel as though my heart is in two places at times. (Not that I would have it any other way) I love them all.

So my new kind of plan is to keep doing what I am doing with the horses and at least try to flick them over so they don’t look like abandoned wild beasts. And in the New Year I will bring them back into work (whilst praying the bad weather we are meant to get doesn’t materialise). I am sticking to three meals a day. I wouldn’t say they are particularly small or big really, I’m just having what I fancy within those time frames with a definite no to snacks. I found if I messed around too much it leaves me open to failure so even if I’m not particularly feeling breakfast I still have a small bowl of cereal. Lunch can be anything from a takeaway to a sandwich and piece of cake. As for dinner that is when unless I am out I try not to have a dessert.

On a plus note though it does leave me with guilt free time to spend with the horses, just wish it wasn’t so darn cold at the moment. I finally succumbed to doing a food shop this morning, something I had avoided most of last week. Oh except the times we went to stock up on munchables.

It was our first week back in the routine of early mornings late nights last week and I really couldn’t face a full shop. To be honest today would probably be classed as a half shop, I got quite a few snacks for the boy and hubby. As well as some of my favourites, I’m a little disappointed they didn’t have my fave biscuits. Which is probably a good thing seeing as I have to finish the packet.

I’m going to try and log what I’m eating on twitter again. I tend to forget most of the time to take a picture but I will at least try to tweet what I’ve eaten and any extra exercise from my usual housework & mucking out chores. This will mainly be walking the dogs, I’ve come to the conclusion with all the will in the world I just never have the time to dedicate to doing toning exercises.

This past week with the boy has really taught me we need to get out more and spend more quality time with each other away from the tv screen, iPad, 3Ds and our phones. It’s all very well thinking that by sitting near one another we’re spending time together we’re actually not! There is a time and a place for these things. Just not above actually getting out as a family and doing something.

On Saturday we all got up early to empty out one of the ponies stables, it was deep littered over Christmas – ok that’s not right I have cleaned it out since then but mo has to be the messiest pony ever- even now with fresh shavings its a complete tip. Still we emptied it out so it would have the day to dry a little.

Ideally I wanted to pressure washer it. But that actually took longer than I thought, so we had to get changed quickly before taking the boy to his drama group. This then gives Steve and I a few hours together where it’s just the two of us. We get a chance to talk without interruption and more importantly to think without a continuous commentary.

I really feel 2013 has begun for us now, if things continue along this theme it should be a good year. I’ve got my head in the right place about how I’m going to get my weight down and I know I can do it this year!

I could just feel the it washing over me. My awe for horses in general and my love for that particular horse. I love the way he does the grumpie’s at me, I love the way he does as I say and not from fear but from an actual want to have that extra time spent with on him. I love the way that when he knows he’s done something wrong he takes baby steps.

I know a lot of people go on about not putting human emotions onto horses blah blah. Which I have to say I don’t agree with. Horses have been around people for hundreds of years and your telling me they haven’t evolved even a tiny bit in that time. Of course Nas knows where his bread is buttered. But even when he has been fed by someone else or has food left in his stable.

He still neighs to me, when he hears my footsteps outside.

Boy did I need that moment yesterday with Nas, it’s been one hell of a week since I last posted, me and the hubby had quite an emotional day on Thursday fueled by finances or should I say lack off! That then knocked me out for a couple of days I just couldn’t think straight and it sent me deeper into a pit of despair.

Then just as I thought I had dragged myself out of the pit of despair and into a more positive yeah we can do this frame of mind. The snow had melted over night and I was ready for whatever life threw at me! I wasnt however expecting ‘man flu’ especially seeing as I’d had that cold earlier the previous week!

Oh and if that wasnt enough Nas was coming up short on his nearside fore! It was like before he was kind of shuffling and not turning right on that side. After a good feel round again I couldn’t feel any heat. So I asked the farrier to come have a look seeing as he was only shod last Thursday. And last time he was re-shod it he problem went away. However my neighbour is convinced it’s nothing to do with his feet.

And seeing as he is a long time over due a visit from a ‘back lady’ I thought I would try and getting him booked in ASAP. In the meantime though I noticed the scabs on the backs of his knees were particularly bad again, hence the pig oil yesterday morning. I don’t know if this is related but again last time it cleared up he had just been clipped a few days before.

So right now I’m kind of clutching at straws hoping its one of the three possibilities, I shall let you know how we get on.

Ok so I will admit it my previous post was a bit ‘off’ it’s all very well for me to sit here and say just cut back, exercise more (which is pretty much the talk of the experts, oh except for the voodoo Dr’s who think they have the magic formula that means you never have to go hungry or even exercise, pfft).

So yeah it is easy to say and sometimes I can preach what I say, but then again other times I haven’t a hope in hell. Last week I was good for a few days and then suddenly I found I was thinking about food constantly again. More specifically I was thinking about what I couldn’t eat.

It wasn’t even just about the fact I had limited my options to cereal in the day. It was more the time of day, after getting back into the habit of having a biscuit or even a chocolate with my coffee in the mornings, and the snacking in front of the TV in the evenings.  I wasn’t even hungry at these times, but still I couldn’t stop thinking about food. The worse was when I woke up thinking about food!

To be honest though it wasn’t just limited to those times of the day, it was probably more like the whole day. I just wanted to eat my way through it. A few weeks ago I realised that what the experts had been saying all along about eating for another reason was true, I do eat to supress feelings.

It doesn’t have to be anything major, even just a pfft conversation with Steve or the dogs being pains in the arse. Anything is enough to make me want to sit in front of the TV with a mountain of food and not have to deal with anything. It really does stop me focusing on the other stuff in my life.

In the past my life has = food.

So in a bid to snap myself out of the ‘diet trance’ I was getting into, I stopped again. I stopped thinking about what I could and couldn’t eat. I started thinking about what I WANTED I then tried to reason that really I don’t need a giant bar of chocolate and chocolate brownies would help the craving and fill me up more.

I also planned some nice meals, that I knew we would enjoy, and sure even though I did eat in-between them  I’m know I didn’t eat as much as I could have.  So I’ve taken the time out re-address the situation and now I’m hoping that today onwards I will stay in this more positive frame of mind.

And stick to eating what I know I enjoy, in a quantity that still enables me to lose weight, Rather than eating what I think I should, only to either break it a few hours later. Or to have a slow steady 0.5lb a week weight loss.

How you work best, how you deal with a situation, what makes you happy? And even one of the most fundamental thing in life is do I actually like that dress, food, person etc.

We often get so lost in just doing the chores whilst secretly stressing about something in the background, life becomes one monotonous routine. Even getting dressed for me is a chore, I don’t like my clothes I buy them because they fit.

It first started for me over Christmas I read an article about Christmas traditions.  And it said to ask your nearest and dearest about what makes Christmas special to them, it gave us as a family time to reflect and think about what was important.

Since then I have been very much introverted in my thoughts about what makes life special to me, and what really is important. I then brought up over dinner last night about a niggle we have as a family –more on this later in the week- for now though we discussed it and the thoughts are in process.

I have been doing the same about my diet and what I really want to achieve along with how that all relates to this blog and horses. So hopefully over the next week I will share with you my thoughts in an eligible manner and you will find some insight into how I tick and what it is I that I am doing to lose weight (I don’t just mean what I am eating either).

Again I am not changing me, I am on a journey not only to ride but find ME. It all sounds very melodramatic doesn’t it, and was one of the reasons why I could never start that book. It always read to me as self obsessed dribble. But then this is a blog about me and my journey.

I do hope someone somewhere will be able to relate and take away a smidgen of what I write, even if it is the just the beginning of a thought that slowly builds momentum into a great big ‘lightbulb moment’.

I’m still not at complete illumination and I might never be. but still I am taking time to think this through thoroughly and see where I get with it. The key to losing weight and being happy, is to be honest with yourself.

And now this week Horatio is back to school and my mind is on getting the decorations down and the house back to normal.  While still trying to enjoy Horatio’s last few days at home, Oh and Steve’s before he has to start heading into London for his new job.

Today I was determined to get up early and spend some time with them, but even here I am typing. In fairness it is disgustingly windy out there and very wet, as well as pitch black. So I’m sure no one can really blame me for opting to stay indoors and write a quick post.

Even though Nas likely gets more kisses than my husband it’s still not enough, it must be well over a month now since he has done any work. I bought him a new bridle about that time ago and still haven’t tried it on him. I think he must have forgotten what a brush is.

The other awful thing is his stable it’s disgusting. I have found the only way to give him some bed to cover the concrete is to go back to semi-deep littering, and even though I try to keep on top of it its rank. I don’t know what to try next to  be honest – short of buying mats, unfortunately our budget wont stretch to them this month- my only consolation is that at least he’s not laying on the concrete.

Horatio hasn’t spent all that much time with Spirit either, but when he has he’s either been chatting to her while sitting on her back or practising round the world. He’s a little bit unbalanced still but getting there with it. I think it’s doing him good to understand how his body weight affects whether he falls or not.

He can also get on her from the ground with a bucket, and not just any old bucket, it’s a flexi tub one. God knows how but he is managing to get on her. Yeah yeah I hear you; she’s only a mini Shetland you say. Well Horatio hasn’t been blessed with long legs and is shorter than most his age.

So there you have it, it’s not been a particularly fulfilling month horsey wise, I didn’t even get a Horse themed Christmas present… oh hang on I did just before Christmas I got given a breed apart ornament for looking after Teddy.

The list has the usual suspects:

• Exercise more
• Diet
• Be more tidy

This often ends up with me running out to the supermarket to buy the latest exercise DVD, and be completely sucked into whatever diet was trending at the time. I would go all out and really believe it would be my saviour and I would finally lose the weight.

For example this year even though I have no intention of changing what I have been doing it’s hard to avoid the hype around the ‘diet on the block’ so to speak. The ‘Dukan’ diet is a name I keep seeing and the ‘Primal Blueprint’ both seems to feature protein, which I agree is a big help to keep hunger at bay.

Other than that to me they are just another fad and not something I could realistically factor into my everyday life. It’s the same with exercise I’ve seen the zumba games and I even got the Michael Jackson experience thinking I would do it as a fun way to get fit. Pfft I’m sorry I am just not prepared to clear the room every time I want to exercise.

These revelations don’t sit easy on my conscience I have to say… it’s almost like the need to send Christmas cards you do it because it’s expected and you don’t want to be the odd one out (ok maybe that’s just my own little issue there, but you know what I mean). Every year at New Year’s we tubbie’s are expected to don the leotards and munch on celery.

One year I even went so far as to ask my mum for a detox kit from boots, another alchemist magic box of potions and lotions that never got past day one. And in true me style by march just before the weather was going to brighten up I thought you know what I will try that detox again, yes I think we can establish I don’t learn from my experiences lol.

Anyway I was going to try it again until I realised I had used up day one, and we all know it wouldn’t work if I didn’t have every day to follow to the letter from the beginning. I think I even took a special trip to boots to see if I could get another one. Can’t tell you if I did or not, but what I do know is what a waste of one of the last presents my mum got to buy me.

So this year breaking from the trend I am not making any resolutions to do with health or fitness, I am not going to set goals –which usually involve some kind of abstinence- I am not going to spend more money on dvd’s I don’t even get past the warm up on. And I am certainly not changing my eating habits or buying a lower-fat version of anything.

This year I am also not going to try and turn myself into the person I think I want to be, uber organised, smart, dare I say it a yummy mummy.  These are all things I feel are imposed on us by the media. We feel we should be these things because it appears that even though some celebs have very busy lives and children they still manage to look immaculate most of the time as well as being successful blah blah.

Well I say baloney to that. Last year my finances and time commitments meant I only got to the hairdressers twice. I haven’t had my eyebrows done since I can remember and in all honestly if I find the time between now and New Year to actually shave my legs I will be happy. I reckon Nas has had his legs clipped more than I’ve shaved my legs this year.

Every year I feel I should implement some kind of routine, you know the kind: muck out, exercise, walk the dogs, tidy house, feed the family… then collapse. I can usually maintain this for a few days until I burn out, not from exhaustion but from trying to follow a routine. When there are so many outside factors ‘uh oh hubby wants to go to work when I have scheduled walking the dogs’ That type of thing and obviously the house of cards I built all falls down , its then you find me in the sweet shop.

So again this year there will be no trying to create a routine. I am going to focus on living my life while still doing the things I need to do and without fail this year I will be doing some of the things I want to do. I really found last year that the key to running the house successfully is to just keep ticking over, say for instance in the 20mins I have before the school run I can do a quick tidy through and sort the washing out.

One of my biggest mantras has been ‘stop thinking about it and do it’ not matter how much  I sit there thinking I don’t want to do something ultimately in the end I have to do it. So why spend an hour getting down on myself when I could just do it. And then spend an hour reading a book or even another chore.

Procrastinating is and always has been one of my biggest flaws, this year however I am not going to attack it head on like I usually do. I am going to try and keep in mind what reminds me why I am outside mucking out why everyone is indoors relaxing.  Or why I am writing a post, listing on eBay etc. at the end of the day it’s all for me and greater good of my family (cliché I know)

But I really understand the importance of that now, and what we all want and need to have enjoyable lives. We all need quality time with one another; we all need time without stress shut down time, where all that matters is the here and now. Sure we have stress and worry over things but some of them are out of our control. And as long as we know we are doing what we can about the others there is no reason why we should let it infringe on our day to day lives.

Another new mantra for this year is ‘it’s easier to face the things you are running from than to keep running’ now you would think I am really into sayings and quotes etc. no not really these are just poignant words I hear while watching TV or that just come to me and spark something inside.

In fact the constant barrage of quotes and phrases you get on twitter/Facebook etc. really annoy me.  When I am on these things it’s because I want interaction with people something to lighten my day or even something that engages a conversation. Sorry just found another one of my soap boxes, one day I will go further into this.

For now though these are the main ones that I can think of right now

• Stop thinking about it and do it.
• It’s easier to face the things you are running from than to keep running.
• Live your life.

And obviously the biggest one ACCEPTANCE… accepting who I am and I don’t need to change myself to be a better person, I just need to look at things from a different angle just because so and so lost weight doing it on a diet doesn’t mean I have to. Just because people go to the gym to get fit doesn’t mean I have to.

2012 I am going to do the things that make me happy… walking the dogs along the beach, pottering about on the yard, grooming and exercising Nas, taking Horatio and Spirit to shows. Playing games and watching films with my family. Eating cake and chocolates as well as fruit and vegetables.

This year I am not changing myself, I am going to be ME!

I’m not one of your manic cleaners if anything I do border on being a bit of a slob. Hence I always have to keep myself in check. Plus with animals and lil ones things quickly become out of hand. – Bear in mind then that while I’m typing this, I should really either be a: out mucking out, b: tidying and cleaning or c: walking the dogs. I have though chosen none of the above and my own…: sit and type whilst enjoying a rather tasty coffee…

My current weight is 22st3lbs. Which I’m pleased with because I haven’t been particularly good to warrant a drop or particularly bad to warrant a gain either. Other than the hobnobs and bowl of cereal yesterday. I was quite good, I’ve even got use to sharing my dessert with Horatio when we eat out and also fully expect him to eat more. now normally that would put me in a very bad mood, but seeing as he’s my son I can’t really plus I was getting fed up of buying him something of his own only to watch him leave it and still try to eat mine.

we did go for a walk along the beach much to Horatio’s protests, and we had a run around in the water which was fun and I really wish we had on video… there was me Steve and Horatio with the three dogs -Huggy,Mardy,Norbit- all going crazy in the water… I know it’s a cliché but what a difference the sun makes to your mood. I was a little bit on edge because it was warm and Nas had sweated up in the field (time to clip) but he was fine when I got home.

I’m not sure how long this warm patch is going to last but I know I will enjoy it whilst it’s here. Hence why I had my legs out yesterday eugh! They look horrible. There was a point when I was walking loads that they were really beginning to tone up. But since moving other than the stroll along the beach and a couple of times I walked the dogs close to home I really haven’t done much.

Again it’s to do with my head being a jumble and not being in a proper routine… I said to Steve last night that I was looking forward to some down time other the next few weeks and he gave me a funny look like what are you on about. And sure we haven’t been running around as much as usual, but it has still been constant pressure to get the house straight for visitors, get into a routine with Nas – if I don’t muck out first thing even if it’s tempting to chill with family I still have to do it and it plays on your mind.

Also the biggest thing has been getting into school mode for Horatio, as much as I love the extra time and Horatio enjoys the time with new friends. It’s still a big chunk of your week gone. And whereas before if we didn’t do something one day we always knew we could do it the next. Well now we can’t and to add to it we’re not popping distant from a town anymore to go anywhere is an hour to hour and half trip. Which is a big chunk if you want to get Horatios dinner and not too late into bed.

These are all things that have plus sides as well… Nas can stay out longer now, the dogs aren’t so desperate for a walk because we have the garden and fields and they can follow me around when I poo pick. And with Horatio at school it is less tempting to just go out, and hopefully that will mean we spend less and I get more time with Nas. So what I was trying to say was I was looking forward to more quality family time as well as more time for me.

Over the last week or so I’ve found more time to sit down and read a book with Horatio, or watch a film with him and still cook dinner. The next thing is to find some quality Nas time and then everything will be perfect, just as soon as I stop worrying about the what if’s…

Great it’s raining and I haven’t bought a coat, no way am I going to be able to walk the mile to campus without getting wet. I’ll have to pop home and grab my coat… Just wish Paula would hurry up and relieve me of my shift so I can get going.

Typically she’s late, which will make me even later. Hopefully I won’t get caught speeding. As I go through the back gate I notice Ade’s bike that’s strange he should be at work by now. I go into the house calling out but there’s no reply, the dogs are running round excited to see me.

As I head up the stairs Ade is in the spare bedroom, it looks like he’s going in into the loft. I call out what are you doing your late for work… It’s then I see he’s not climbing into the loft hatch but hanging from it, I grab at him to try and take the weight but it’s no good I can’t hold him and release him at the same time. He’s got a dog choke chain round his throat which is connected to a seat belt. As I grab him he turns around, I can see there is no life there.

I run downstairs… Grab a knife and my phone. I phone my mum while starting CPR. Omg I’m trained to deal with emergencies and haven’t rung an ambulance, they are on the way. And my mum is on her way back from Devon. CPR isn’t working I can’t feel a pulse; my friend turns up just as the ambulance arrives.

They send me downstairs and start to work… Although I already know the answer. There’s nothing they can do, he was already dead. At this point I’m sitting in the chair hugging the dogs, saying all sorts. Finally the police arrive to ask me and the ambulance staff some questions. I got angry when they insinuated I hadn’t done CPR.

I had to wait until the funeral parlour came to pick up the body. Mum had just turned up and was trying to keep me sane… Eventually they took his body and I was left in a state of shock. I can’t face telling his mum, so the police are going round to break the news.

Mum is worried that I shouldn’t be in the house on my own, so I go down the pub with my friend… Ironically while I’m there I get texts from her boyfriend saying “I hope you’re happy, this is your fault, and you did this to him”.

That night I insist on going back to the house… I have my dogs to keep me company. I couldn’t sleep; I just lay there thinking why… there was no note, he was dressed for work, he’s fed the dogs and put the post on the side… so WHY.

When we spoke the previous night he showed no signs that he was that low. Ok a little upset but nothing that would have made me think he was capable of taking his own life…

The other thing is I’m always thinking about something that needs doing rather than concentrating on the task at hand. Usually when i am on the yard I am thinking the house needs tidying, I should be doing paperwork or vice versa when in the house I’m thinking I should be on the yard grooming and exercising NAS. Recently I spent a lot of time with NAS, believe me the house was a tip by the end of it. Now i got to take time out to spend some time in the house cleaning and tidying. I am always striving for that perfect system, where the house keeps itself relatively tidy and frees me up for more time on the yard.

No chance, if I leave Hubby alone in the house with Horatio for a day… It looks like a bomb has hit it. There are toys everywhere including by my side of the bed, argh. It’s the same outside; NAS has been on full livery for the past 2 days. And today I shall go around tidying up after everyone. I’m beginning to think it’s easier if I just do him. And don’t even get me started on the paperwork, the post goes into the drawer until it no more will fit in, then I have no choice but sort it out.

Again I don’t want to be like this, I want to be one of those super organised yummy mummy’s that turns up at the school gate immaculate… Not like I do now with shavings in my hair muddy boots, and a coat that stinks to high heaven of horses (luckily I don’t mind that smell, unluckily there are quite a few that don’t appreciate Eau de horse). On a plus note running around all the time trying to achieve this helps with my weight loss.

Even so far as shaving my legs more often, it actually burns up more calories (and uses fewer razors). Another hazard of horse people we live in jodhpurs (I will be when I can fit in them, for now its jeans or leggings). But what I’m trying to say for people that live in long trousers even through the summer there seems little point to keeping on top of the minor things like freshly shaved legs. oh and another thing it’s also a good stretching routine if you concentrate on your core at the same time, just try not to cut your legs that hurts…

I think this is one of the biggest contributors to my weight problem… (Yes not just the food). The fact I did and have become complacent and lazy…? If I found anything even marginally hard work i would either try to avoid it, or find a simpler easier solution. Such as putting my shoes on, it’s much easier to put my leg up on something to tie my shoelaces than it is to actually bend over and do it. It’s the same with socks. I have also been known to ask people to do them up for me. And if I’m really on it I can get them done up just enough so as to slip them on and off.

I know none of this is going to increase your fitness enough to do a 10k run, but what it will do is make your day to day living easier. And when you can do more for yourself without a struggle you feel more energised, happier, and content. Which will hopefully eventually lead you to feeling so much better about yourself you don’t need to sit on the sofa munching the blues away? You will have a fresher outlook.

It’s the small steps we take that lead to the big overhaul. And then taking time out to notice the small changes that have occurred. Oh and then appreciating them. That is often my problem for someone who does live in the past a lot, I often forget about the things I couldn’t/didn’t want to do when I was at my heaviest. Ok I’ve not even lost 3st yet but believe me the difference in me is noticeable. One of the biggest things I noticed when I was bigger was just how vulnerable I felt, I’m not scared of heights as a general rule I even went up Snowdon once as a kid (yep the hard way, wish I still had my certificate lol ). Since being bigger I don’t like standing on the edge of a cliff or the edge of anything for that matter, even the stairs can freak me.

I just know I have no control over my body, meaning that I couldn’t hold my body weight if I need to. I had no flexibility at all; I wouldn’t be able to fit through small gaps or even across the car seat.  If I needed to be somewhere in an emergency I just wasn’t able to run at all. I’m still not great in those situations but I am a hell of a lot better than I was… only the other day I managed to climb down a very steep slope whilst out on a walk. Once upon a time I would have preferred to walk out of my way to find somewhere flatter. It’s the same with the muck trailer, initially I hated going up the ramp I was convinced it would break and I would be stuck up there. Now I know I could jump down if I needed to. Ok I would first sit down on the edge and then hop of the side, but believe me even the thought of sitting on the edge was enough to freak me out before.

Tomorrow I will go through how the time constraints affect my eating.  And how I am trying to solve them.