I over eat! I don’t. And to be honest even if I did I don’t really think knowing will help all that much. We all know I want to lose weight to ride Nas, but then there is this other side of me that just wants to shut down and bumble along in a bubble full of food.

Do I really want that?  no not really in an ideal world I would like the bubble to include riding Nas and doing all the things that make me smile and happy. But it seems there is only room for one thing at a time. And as much as I love horses and riding.

The food does win over, more than I like. It doesn’t help that I tell myself there’s always tomorrow. It won’t hurt having this one bad day. Well this recent 1 bad day has actually lasted 6 weeks to date. And right now I am thinking why am  typing this what’s the point, whilst in the back of my mind thinking sod it, one more bad day won’t make any difference.

The thing is I’m not stupid I know it does in the past few days my weight has shot up to 22st 10lbs. shocking I know, I couldn’t actually bring myself to take a picture of the scales. I also know I’ve been eating like crazy. It’s been a real case of there is no limit to the amount of food I can eat in a day.

And despite my best efforts to try and control it I always end up doing something that triggers a complete meltdown.  It’s so weird like yesterday I just bought a sausage roll when I popped to the shops. There was no question of me not getting it. I wanted it so I got it.

This then opened the floodgates so when I picked up two packets of Cadburys snack bars –innocently I might add, I thought they would be good for the boy and me to have a small treat- both packets where gone by the time he got home from school! The thing is when I am in this mood I should know better.

I want to be able to control myself and not gorge on everything in one go. Weirdly enough the more I have in the house the better I can be at it. Admittedly that wouldn’t be true at the moment. The last few days have been hard on me.

I’ve got to get over my frustrations….

Not being able to have dinner before 8pm.

Not being able to walk the dogs as easily.

Both are things that bother me more than I let on. And no matter what anyone says the first one won’t change, so I need to accept that’s the way it is and I’ve just got to get on with it. The second one however I can and will do something about. I need to get walking again even in the rain.