About 5 weeks ago I was all hyped and excited about getting my arse back in the saddle by New Year, that hasn’t happened. Then at about 4 weeks I was all ready to start a plan that would involve more meals but smaller ones, that didn’t happen. Then I decided I would just go with the flow get everything sorted and get on top of everything before I started any more talk of plans or goals. And where has that left me….

Three weeks until Christmas, and if we want to get really technical this time in three weeks it will all be over! Of course most of my plans involve the New Year so it’s technically just under four weeks. And although I had some whimsical notion that I would see the New Year in by riding. Like most New Year’s resolutions I know that just isn’t going to happen. It’s not because I don’t want it too or haven’t in the past tried. But no matter how you look at it new year’s day is a bank holiday and not just any bank holiday it’s the first one of the year and I like to make the most of those little extra down time days by taking it easy with my family.

To be fair in the past we have usually been entertaining the family members we didn’t get to see at Christmas. It’s almost like another Christmas day just without the presents. This year I do believe we will be on our own. We were having a quiet Christmas up until about 2 weeks ago when everything changed and we now have a plethora of guests arriving from the 21^st until the 28^th of December. It’s going to be hectic to say the least… luckily I love it. Family at Christmas is what it’s all about to me. What I don’t love is that we have two more weeks at school. Which would be ok just? If it wasn’t for the nativity, the school disco, the drop in session, the cake sale and an end of school assembly. Yep all that in the next two weeks and I’m sure I’ve missed something out.

So with all the will in the world I just know I won’t be in any state to start thinking about exercising the horses for at least another four weeks. Which I do find frustrating but equally I know on some days it’s enough just to have to muck them out. Esp. Christmas morning in the past 6 yrs. I have realised there really is no good time to go out and do them. I hate that feeling of leaving my family inside. On the flip side though there are times when I am outside with the horses and I hate leaving them to join my family. It really does feel as though my heart is in two places at times. (Not that I would have it any other way) I love them all.

So my new kind of plan is to keep doing what I am doing with the horses and at least try to flick them over so they don’t look like abandoned wild beasts. And in the New Year I will bring them back into work (whilst praying the bad weather we are meant to get doesn’t materialise). I am sticking to three meals a day. I wouldn’t say they are particularly small or big really, I’m just having what I fancy within those time frames with a definite no to snacks. I found if I messed around too much it leaves me open to failure so even if I’m not particularly feeling breakfast I still have a small bowl of cereal. Lunch can be anything from a takeaway to a sandwich and piece of cake. As for dinner that is when unless I am out I try not to have a dessert.

I over eat! I don’t. And to be honest even if I did I don’t really think knowing will help all that much. We all know I want to lose weight to ride Nas, but then there is this other side of me that just wants to shut down and bumble along in a bubble full of food.

Do I really want that?  no not really in an ideal world I would like the bubble to include riding Nas and doing all the things that make me smile and happy. But it seems there is only room for one thing at a time. And as much as I love horses and riding.

The food does win over, more than I like. It doesn’t help that I tell myself there’s always tomorrow. It won’t hurt having this one bad day. Well this recent 1 bad day has actually lasted 6 weeks to date. And right now I am thinking why am  typing this what’s the point, whilst in the back of my mind thinking sod it, one more bad day won’t make any difference.

The thing is I’m not stupid I know it does in the past few days my weight has shot up to 22st 10lbs. shocking I know, I couldn’t actually bring myself to take a picture of the scales. I also know I’ve been eating like crazy. It’s been a real case of there is no limit to the amount of food I can eat in a day.

And despite my best efforts to try and control it I always end up doing something that triggers a complete meltdown.  It’s so weird like yesterday I just bought a sausage roll when I popped to the shops. There was no question of me not getting it. I wanted it so I got it.

This then opened the floodgates so when I picked up two packets of Cadburys snack bars –innocently I might add, I thought they would be good for the boy and me to have a small treat- both packets where gone by the time he got home from school! The thing is when I am in this mood I should know better.

I want to be able to control myself and not gorge on everything in one go. Weirdly enough the more I have in the house the better I can be at it. Admittedly that wouldn’t be true at the moment. The last few days have been hard on me.

I’ve got to get over my frustrations….

Not being able to have dinner before 8pm.

Not being able to walk the dogs as easily.

Both are things that bother me more than I let on. And no matter what anyone says the first one won’t change, so I need to accept that’s the way it is and I’ve just got to get on with it. The second one however I can and will do something about. I need to get walking again even in the rain.

Enough on that for the minute and back to something that I don’t have a good vibe about… food and dieting eugh! The Sadomasochist in me made me get on the scales yesterday, I was going to try and stay of them until after the beach ride and time of the month is never a good time to weigh either.

But still I couldn’t resist especially when Steve had the exact coin I need in his pocket. So despite not being good I was hoping the extra activities I’ve been doing recently it would have some impact, now I do know it has had some my waist is down an inch and the leggings I was living in are now baggy all over so it can’t just be the elastic that’s gone!

I’ve also noticed I am more flexible and have a larger range of motions when stretching etc., walking isn’t hard work for me and I even got on a swing the other day at the nature reserve. It’s unusual for me to find a swing big enough without hurting my thighs or even strong enough looking that I don’t fear for my life.

So on I got and raced the boy to the top, ouch it was hard work I felt it in my arms stomach legs in fact ten minutes on the swing had me puffing and panting, but still I had a big smile and enjoyed flying through the air. No wonder kids are fit if they can have that kind of fun. it reminded me of the times I use to spend most the day around the swings playing constantly on the go.

So back to the scales it’s not good news and I’m a little gutted to say the least but then I only have myself and the Easter holidays to blame, my weight was still at 22st5lbs not good. I was really hoping to see 21^st but it’s just not happening.  Now the boy is back at school my plan is to kick my arse back on track this week.

The only issue is I don’t know how, I woke up this morning thinking about porridge (which I had) and once again regret and now despite being full I am thinking about other foods I want.  Sure I could go all out and try to follow some kind of diet plan, but as well know that’s not me.  It’s safe to say my head is a bit wibbly wobbly at the moment when it comes to food.

The only certainty is I have to stop eating chocolate again! and try to get back into some sort of routine which I can stick to without feeling like I am missing out, oh and the other thing is back into a place where I can eat something like an apple knowing it’s doing me more good than harm. What I mean by that is I avoid what I call unnecessary calories in order to justify the necessary ones.

Hmm think I need to have a sit and think now that I have the time to, without threat of hearing ‘mummy’ every few minutes. Still I will miss the constant barrage of questions and requests. I better get on with it; it’s only 6hrs until the boy comes home.

Ok so I will admit it my previous post was a bit ‘off’ it’s all very well for me to sit here and say just cut back, exercise more (which is pretty much the talk of the experts, oh except for the voodoo Dr’s who think they have the magic formula that means you never have to go hungry or even exercise, pfft).

So yeah it is easy to say and sometimes I can preach what I say, but then again other times I haven’t a hope in hell. Last week I was good for a few days and then suddenly I found I was thinking about food constantly again. More specifically I was thinking about what I couldn’t eat.

It wasn’t even just about the fact I had limited my options to cereal in the day. It was more the time of day, after getting back into the habit of having a biscuit or even a chocolate with my coffee in the mornings, and the snacking in front of the TV in the evenings.  I wasn’t even hungry at these times, but still I couldn’t stop thinking about food. The worse was when I woke up thinking about food!

To be honest though it wasn’t just limited to those times of the day, it was probably more like the whole day. I just wanted to eat my way through it. A few weeks ago I realised that what the experts had been saying all along about eating for another reason was true, I do eat to supress feelings.

It doesn’t have to be anything major, even just a pfft conversation with Steve or the dogs being pains in the arse. Anything is enough to make me want to sit in front of the TV with a mountain of food and not have to deal with anything. It really does stop me focusing on the other stuff in my life.

In the past my life has = food.

So in a bid to snap myself out of the ‘diet trance’ I was getting into, I stopped again. I stopped thinking about what I could and couldn’t eat. I started thinking about what I WANTED I then tried to reason that really I don’t need a giant bar of chocolate and chocolate brownies would help the craving and fill me up more.

I also planned some nice meals, that I knew we would enjoy, and sure even though I did eat in-between them  I’m know I didn’t eat as much as I could have.  So I’ve taken the time out re-address the situation and now I’m hoping that today onwards I will stay in this more positive frame of mind.

And stick to eating what I know I enjoy, in a quantity that still enables me to lose weight, Rather than eating what I think I should, only to either break it a few hours later. Or to have a slow steady 0.5lb a week weight loss.

As much as I am excited I can also feel the fear butterflies, it’s not that I’m scared off riding it just I am scared of riding when I’m so big. even then it’s not really scared. more like apphrensive addrenaline.

The first obstacle is getting on, I had hoped to get a new 4 step mounting block but that’s not been possible – Have you seen the price of them, think I will put it on my Christmas list – I’m not even going to mention the getting off. Hopefully I will get some pictures to share on here.

I was also hoping it would coincide with me updating the am I too heavy to ride page, hoping I can sit down tomorrow and work on that. and finally get something up.

So thats it then my plans for today are to RIDE… woo hoo, better go dig out my jodphurs and hope the wind dies down a little

Here we are finally in the heart of Pooh country… On an aptly names “Pooh Retreat” as yet we,ve seen no sign of Pooh himself.

Just a cake and tea he dropped of for Horatio, as well as a book for some bedtime reading.

If I were to say… If I  should go to bed now, then it would of been a good diet day, alas that isnt going to happen. Me and steve have a meal booked this afternoon.

And shock of all shocks Horatio isnt coming with us. We are using the hotels baby sitting services.

I feel like a mean parent, but the options are take him with us and nag him silly for being noisy, to playful or messy. Or we try a baby sitter but panic about him being with someone we dont know.

We have been swimming tgus afternoon, and got lost on a bear hunt. I dont know about Horatio but I could certainly do with some Zzzzz now.

Off to hickstead tomorrow yay.

 It really is a fine line… in fact two fine lines’ there is one between being too hungry and content, and another between being content and stuffed… I know when I haven’t had enough a lot easier than I know I’ve had too much (here).

 The thing is I hate that feeling of being bloated – I know who doesn’t – but I really do I hate not having energy or motivation to do anything. I have got better recently and made myself work through moments like this… other times thought I just sit on my fat arse thinking… I’ll do it tomorrow.

 It’s also times like these that I really go off the rails, such as yesterday I knew I was due on any day just not when exactly so I should of recognised the signs and tried to resist the Cadburys bar, but because I had struggled through Saturday I was thinking oh well start again Monday… pfft.

 You already know why today is a funny day for me… add to that the aching muscles and two bedrooms in need of a spring clean. It’s no wonder I’m sitting here typing instead. Still these things can’t wait until tomorrow…

 Tomorrow is a Nas day…

Afternoon tea, giant cheeseburger, crossiant, bar of chocolate and the smallest tub of ice-cream you ever saw that cost £3.50 – no wonder the country is skint-

We did do quite a bit of walking which explains the achey feet and rumbling tummy this morning.
It was a crazy day, still a good one though… The Wizard of Oz was amazing.

I,m not even sure where it started this weekend, I think it was the fact i had already eaten my days quota by lunchtime on Saturday, it was just me and Horatio, Hubby was away until that evening. Well there has been a bit of a saga in our house, about a particular mcdonalds toy… We had been last week and they didn’t have the said advertised toys, except for a cup. Unfortunately that doesn’t cut it for a three year old. So rather than let him be disappointed I took him to a different mcdonalds and luckily he got the scooby doo. And of course I had to have a meal as well.

Sunday we had a chilled family day, which ended up at pizza hut. Yesterday I was all set to be good, but then Hubby suggested Chinese, argh. So here we are tuesday 18th january and I,m still hovering around 324lbs.

I wouldn’t say I had a particularly good weekend either or that I enjoyed the food I did eat in fact I would say more often than not that it really didn’t taste as good as My mind was telling me it would. It sort of dawned on me this morning that once again we spent £60 on two meals out that would of been just as nice if we had done them at home, I think the real problem for us is sometimes we use the excuse to eat out as a reason to go out, ESP if we,ve been in the house all day. for what we spent on meals i could of got Nas the rambo fleece i want.

I feel lost on the days i over eat, i wish there was a way of explaining it easier. I dont settle my mind is shifting from one negative to another, half the time i dont even know what i want to eat. i just end up eating everything and not enjoying any of it. If you compare that to a day where i,m being good, i’m more positive, I get alot more done in the day. I know what i want and i thoroughly enjoy it. Bizarre.

Today i’m being good, its a Nas day, the sun is shining and he is having a little longer out in the field. Then let the groomathon begin. We’re also going to start his fittening programme with 30mins of walking in hand and some passive stretches.

I have a confession to make, its one I’ve been hiding for a while from myself my family and the world lol. We all know I’m addicted to food and not just the nice posh stuff I like a bit of junk food, nothing beats a cheap burger when you’re standing shivering at a horse show. Or a McDonalds breakfast after a boot sale. This post however is not about food for once or horses, well maybe there is a link to horses…. 

It’s Magazines… I just can’t stop buying them I love them and as my time for reading books has got less and less I now buy more they are quick and easy to read and more often than not I just flick through looking at the pictures. This obsession first started when I was a little tot and would get the ‘Whizzer’ comic and a bag of penny sweets with my pocket money. I’d happily read ‘Beano’, ‘Dandy’ as well. As I got older and into ponies and riding it progressed onto ‘Horse and Pony’ magazine as well as ‘Pony’. there was also this one called ‘Horse Sense’ where you got a binder to save them all up in, – hang on just going to check out eBay to see if anyone listing some – ok back, none for sale at the moment. After this I progressed onto the teenage mag’s ‘Just Seventeen’, ‘Mizz’ oh and not forgetting ‘More’ very risqué lol.  

Towards the end of my teens I started getting into the slimming magazines ‘Weight Watchers’ ‘Slimming World’ and ‘Slimmer’ there weren’t that many at the time but usually most magazines had at least one article about someone losing weight or some miraculous LBD diet. I would read them all totally transfixed but I can’t ever remember following any of the diets. I then went through what I thought was a sophisticated phase and bought ‘Cosmopolitan’ and ‘Marie Claire’. I soon got fed up with all the lovely skinny models and way out of my prize range clothes so I hopped back to ‘Heat’ and ‘Closer’ with the occasional ‘Hello’ or ‘Ok’, esp. if they had an article about Boyzone (yep this really is a time for confession’s lol) 

Obviously when I was pregnant I got into the entire pregnancy magazine range and the websites. But the one I have stuck with and still buy now, even though it also has out of my price range kid’s clothes is ‘Junior’ magazine. it’s a brilliant magazine every month it has something relevant to Horatio’s age, as well as a look at the new products available and a little bit of celeb gossip. I would highly recommend it to any mum. 

I now also buy the ‘Your Horse’ and ‘Horse and Rider’ with the occasional ‘Horse and Hound’, I don’t know why I keep buying them to be honest. usually there is something on the front cover that grabs my attention – normally just a gear guide will be enough to make me want it – I have kept most of them over the past year because I don’t honestly think I have read one all the way through and I keep saying I will and keep the articles that are interesting.

current horse magazine pile, I reckon I could of got Nas a rug for the price of these

 The other magazine obsession I have right now is Christmas magazine’s usually the recipe ones but mainly I buy them to see the gift section. on top of this I also collect up all the catalogue the shops have out, just so I am on top of what’s about to buy for that elusive Christmas present. Christmas magazines to me are like Christmas films they all help build up to the occasion (ok I admit it ‘I love Christmas’).

Christmas magazines and catalogue's, ironically i dont actually buy for many people now, and most the recipes involve alchohol

 I’m not sure where this obsession has come from, my mum would buy the word search type books and the only thing I ever saw my dad read as a kid was the Miller’s price guide. I think I have passed it on to Horatio he’s just as bad as me, but then I think his is because he actually wants the toy, which reminds me over the years I have had quite a few good freebies where have they gone, and the toys you use to get in cereal. If they bought them back maybe I would be more inclined to eat it.