About 5 weeks ago I was all hyped and excited about getting my arse back in the saddle by New Year, that hasn’t happened. Then at about 4 weeks I was all ready to start a plan that would involve more meals but smaller ones, that didn’t happen. Then I decided I would just go with the flow get everything sorted and get on top of everything before I started any more talk of plans or goals. And where has that left me….

Three weeks until Christmas, and if we want to get really technical this time in three weeks it will all be over! Of course most of my plans involve the New Year so it’s technically just under four weeks. And although I had some whimsical notion that I would see the New Year in by riding. Like most New Year’s resolutions I know that just isn’t going to happen. It’s not because I don’t want it too or haven’t in the past tried. But no matter how you look at it new year’s day is a bank holiday and not just any bank holiday it’s the first one of the year and I like to make the most of those little extra down time days by taking it easy with my family.

To be fair in the past we have usually been entertaining the family members we didn’t get to see at Christmas. It’s almost like another Christmas day just without the presents. This year I do believe we will be on our own. We were having a quiet Christmas up until about 2 weeks ago when everything changed and we now have a plethora of guests arriving from the 21^st until the 28^th of December. It’s going to be hectic to say the least… luckily I love it. Family at Christmas is what it’s all about to me. What I don’t love is that we have two more weeks at school. Which would be ok just? If it wasn’t for the nativity, the school disco, the drop in session, the cake sale and an end of school assembly. Yep all that in the next two weeks and I’m sure I’ve missed something out.

So with all the will in the world I just know I won’t be in any state to start thinking about exercising the horses for at least another four weeks. Which I do find frustrating but equally I know on some days it’s enough just to have to muck them out. Esp. Christmas morning in the past 6 yrs. I have realised there really is no good time to go out and do them. I hate that feeling of leaving my family inside. On the flip side though there are times when I am outside with the horses and I hate leaving them to join my family. It really does feel as though my heart is in two places at times. (Not that I would have it any other way) I love them all.

So my new kind of plan is to keep doing what I am doing with the horses and at least try to flick them over so they don’t look like abandoned wild beasts. And in the New Year I will bring them back into work (whilst praying the bad weather we are meant to get doesn’t materialise). I am sticking to three meals a day. I wouldn’t say they are particularly small or big really, I’m just having what I fancy within those time frames with a definite no to snacks. I found if I messed around too much it leaves me open to failure so even if I’m not particularly feeling breakfast I still have a small bowl of cereal. Lunch can be anything from a takeaway to a sandwich and piece of cake. As for dinner that is when unless I am out I try not to have a dessert.

I weighed last night at the swimming pool, it wasn’t good. Put on three to 24.11 really not sure how that is possible although we did have first three course meal in ages plus a few takeaways and ok I might of eaten late at night but nothing like I use too.

Seriously if its true what they say then the 1500 minimum calories I was spending a day on chocolate surely I can eat normal meals and lose weight not bloody gain! I know what it is though it’s only two small biscuits in the morning but they are the culprits. I just know it.

So I got on my scales this morning just for a looksy and they said 25st ffs! So I’ve come to conclusion my scales aren’t broken and neither is my diet for that matter I know it works I just need to stick to it and work a little harder.

It’s not rocket science to understand to lose weight at a rate that keeps you motivated you need to feel hungry at some Point in the day. All these diets that say you don’t feel hungry are baloney! It’s all very well if you want to lose a 0.00001 of a pound each week.

Oh and there’s this quote “that says something like madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” that’s not the exact quote but I’ve read it so many times at various diet clubs over the years, it’s a way to suck you in to believing what you were doing was wrong and of course there’s is the only definitive way to lose weight!

Pah if only it was that simple, the real trick to losing weight is finding the one that you can stick to, the one that doesn’t mess your life up too much, the one where you are in control, the one where you can satisfy cravings, the one where you lose weight!

So I’m cutting out the biscuits and back to two meals a day while hubby is off though they will include desserts.

Ponies are good Paris is now in with Nas and Spirit and they all seem very happy together.

More about them next time.

I had two sticky moments during the day both involving the same chocolate biscuits; I managed to resist them mid-afternoon after deciding to do dinner before the riding lesson. They came back to haunt me though at about 10pm when Steve was squeaking about wanting cheese and crackers! Fortunately I was in the zone enough to resist.

The problem I do have is moving. I have spurts of pure motivation and the moments of absolutely zero motivation. It doesn’t help that my yard is a tip and I’m in the process of sorting out a new tack room arrangement. I have also been very slack on the clearing up after myself. Mainly down to lack of time. Spending time with the family has to take priority in the holidays.

I was hoping to of got organised before the hols but it was so darn hot I couldn’t lift a finger without flaking. And then the cooler days were wet and miserable and left little room for motivation. It’s got to the point now where it’s one of those real bug bear jobs where I just have to get on with it! In fact I just might today. Really I should tidy the house but that can wait until tomorrow.

I need to go outside and lunge Nas regardless. So maybe if I find somewhere to start it might snowball… I don’t know what I hate more a messy yard or a messy house.

24.7

It feels against the grain eating in the morning, I realise now however I need it if I’m going to achieve anything in the day. Otherwise I just clock watch constantly until lunchtime. And then if I’m not totally on it I can’t control myself when I do finally eat.  I have also noticed my mood is a lot better if I eat in the morning.

The only downside is the weight loss isn’t as great and some days it can be non-existent but I figure I will have more chance at sticking to it in the long term, I just need to up my exercise a lot more. And not let myself listen to the nagging in my head saying you’re not losing so what’s the point just eat chocolate in front of TV all night.

Nas came back into work yesterday, again! I know poor thing I keep stopping and starting him this is it now though I’m so motivated to get out there and get riding again as soon as my weight is back down below 23st and his fitness is up. He lost so much condition over the winter but the 24hr turnout has done wonders and now he’s looking a bit too good.

We just need to get us both fit again and then we’ll be ready to go in no time. I was planning on a cross country in September but realistically that’s not going to happen. I’m not too worried though all I want is to be back riding him and at a point where I can just tack up and go. We will aim for the shows etc., once I’m back in the saddle.

It’s all change here, I’ve found a new loan home for one of the Shetlands. The mini I think is older than we realised and although the boy has practically outgrown her, she now has another little rider. So she won’t be going anywhere. We’ve also decided to have a go at riding lessons for the boy. It’s no fun me constantly nagging him. And he really needs to ride something a bit bigger now.  We also might have a new addition in the next couple weeks, its hush hush for now.

Current weight:  24st10lbs

I can’t tell you how much this wound me up and yes I know I could of easily resolved the problem by changing my under wear. But by Jove these are new knickers and I wanted to at least get one more days wear out of them.

It really is stupid things like that the send me on a destructive path of eating and slumming it in front of the TV all day! It doesn’t happen often but when it does I go completely of the rails. Nothing is safe in the cupboard my stomach is like an empty pit.

I did realise again though its not just the craving certain flavours its actually the action of eating I yearn for. It must be like when a smoker gives up its the holding the cigarette they miss as much as the nicotine. There is no answer to this I don’t like chewing gum and please don’t mention fruit to me.

I have been trying the last few weeks really I have me and the boy demolished a whole punnet of strawberries one afternoon. But then the other one rotted in the fridge cos neither of us wanted it. My body just doesn’t yearn for fruit like some people’s.

As for the grazing muzzles oh my god having fat little ponies that blow up with grass is not fun, I’ve never really worried about Nas’s weight he does go tubby but never have I seem him so big it’s not healthy. His previous owner had him in a paddock with foot long lush grass, the grass he had at our old house was so nice that even though he only had 4hrs turnout it was enough to keep him looking good.

When we first moved here I let him have access to all the paddocks but with the introduction of the ponies I’ve slowly been restricting them all more and more to the point that when I wanted to move them to a rested paddock I was worried the sudden introduction of nice grass would kick of something unpleasant.

What the hell where has this paranoia over owning a horse come from! I don’t even give that much thought to the boy who we all know is the most important person in my life. I first noticed it a few months ago when I realised I had spent so much money and time worrying about Nas’s snot issue I had overlooked the fact the boy had been sporting a similar look.

So I’m trying to take the stress out of owning horses and put some of the fun back in, ok this can’t be done overnight which leads me back to the muzzles those poor ponies have them on 24/7 and they rub in funny little places no matter where you adjust them. So I’ve been taking them off at night and moving them into the barest paddock.

They have blown up a bit more however I think that’s much nicer than knowing they are sore and uncomfortable. I am keeping an eye on them and realise
they need a lot more exercise before i give them more grazing freedom. As for Nas he actually looks good on the fresh grass other than a handful of balancer, He doesn’t need anything else.

As for me, I don’t think jaw wiring is an option and besides I know a friend who had to have this done and she still managed to squeeze a few cadburys buttons in. I am however trying to be more mindful of what I am capable off, one of them is I really can’t get by on 2 meals a day anymore.

I’m now trying to eat three times a day spread out, this isn’t going to always be the same from one day to the next. Somedays it will be plain old breakfast cereal, sandwich and dinner or others it will be a cooked breakfast, cake and dinner. Much like life you just never know what’s going to happen in a day.

The only thing I am certain of is I will get this weight back off and I will ride Nas again this year.

I have become more accepting of myself though and it has given me a real chance to find myself -not wanting to sound too corny- I think I have finally realised what it is that I want/need. I also realised I’ve been living on the edge of depression for a while now, which hasn’t been good for those around me, what with our added stresses and the constant feeling that something is going to go wrong.

Ever since last year when Nas got ill, the car broke down and not to mention the money worries. I have found it hard to enjoy life without that constant feeling of dread in the back of my head. I think that is why I bury my head in the munchies with an escapism film. I don’t even have the drive to play computer games like I used to, it’s far easier to sit on Facebook or to immerse myself in reality TV.

The irony is… life is good, I love my family we live in a nice area with good friends and I have the horse’s right outside my back door. Ok they are living out at the moment which does make it easier to do bare minimum. I did bring Nas back into work last week though and he had a back lady out. Who confirmed my thoughts that he wasn’t quite right on his near side? Mid neck and back were both in need of attention.

It’s done the trick though and now he doesn’t look like a ‘cut and shut’ anymore. I have yet to exercise him since she came, hopefully later today.  That’s part of my problem I will say and plan in my head what I am going to do when but then it all goes out the window when I get distracted elsewhere and before I know it I’ve run out of time. This happened last week for the entire week, although I know I wasn’t sitting on my arse all day I still have no idea of what I actually achieved.

It’s the same with the old diet at the moment; I make a plan in my head I then do something and completely forget where or what I was trying to do. That is until I work through the same thought process and realise bugger I’ve already thought of that. What’s worse is its happening more than once, even this morning it happened.

Obviously I know it’s that sneaky part of me that is trying to trick me into believing it won’t hurt to have just a little smidgen of cake! The problem is on a daily basis it does hurt and rarely does it stop at just a little smidgen. Even now I’m thinking hmmm maybe I should have a yogurt with my lunch. Which I’m sure you are probably thinking is fine. Nope not for me I then work out the calories in those yogurts and figure hey I can have a small choccy bar for that!

See where I’m going?

So my question to you is one that’s been bugging me for a while:

Is it better to learn to ‘live without’ your guilty pleasure in the house or to learn to ‘live with it’ in the house.

It’s a little melodramatic all for a piece of chocolate I know, but you see I figured if I could live with it in the house without binging surely that is better. But then I should be able to not have it in the house without going out of my mind when I have a craving and there isn’t even a jar of nuttella to see me through.

It doesn’t leave me much time for the horses either, in some ways I wonder whether I would spend more time with them if they weren’t outside my back door. If I had to actually put them into my schedule rather than the just nipping out here and there to do the necessities.

Again of course I do realise how lucky I am, and really it’s upto me how I spend my time. But still I procrastinate and dream of the ‘one day’ when the stars and planets align! I’ve really got to start making the horses a priority and doing them first thing. Not just turfing them out and then dashing back inside for another coffee.

The weekends are the worse. After a week of half five starts its nice to just come around in my own time. Which is often the worse thing to do because we usually go out and then I’m tied to get home to do the horses. I also have it hanging over me all day.

All that is about to change though! As from last night the Shetlands are now living out, it’s not warm enough for me to be comfortable leaving nas out at the moment. Hopefully it won’t be long.

Stil it is the best birthday present not having to muck them out for a few months. The only problem is they are lil tubsters and have to wear their grazing muzzles as far as i know they have never had laminitis, it’s better to be safe rather sorry in these cases.

Last night I took them of overnight but they both had grass bellies this morning. So I think at least while we have the spring grass they will have to wear them 24/7 I will be bringing them both back into work next week along with snazzles. So hopefully that will help and they’ll get some RnR from the muzzles.

I finally feel a bit more motivated now that the weather has warmed up, I think my bad mood kinda dipped to an all time low over the weekend. Now there really is only one way to go.

You are not alone I do it to my family and friends as well as people whom I’ve requested information from. Who have been polite enough to reply, sometimes I don’t even read the initial e.mail I think I will go back to it later but never do! Still I would like to thank you for your suggestions and yes in these cases I did check out the information, and discovered it wasn’t for me.

I am glad it’s working for you though and hope you continue with your journeys.

I’ve had to disable direct comments to the blog, because I was getting so much spam it was ridiculous. It was also near on impossible to know which ones were genuine.

You can always contact me through twitter and I will be sorting out a Facebook group at some point, I think it will be an easier place to have discussions and to keep more updated about my riding than on the blog. if in the meantime you do want to get hold of me though its jennie@diet2ride.com

Again thank you for your support, it is always nice to know there are people in the same boat as up you. Who understand what you are going through. Sometimes I think people misinterpret what it is you want from them when it comes to losing weight. It’s such a personal thing.

I truly believe if I’m ever going to lose the weight or find a happy place I need to work things out for myself. Otherwise I will just be following someone else’s set of ideals of how to lose weight, which knowing my nature I wouldn’t follow it for very long.

I was debating putting him out naked, it wasn’t until I realised he would be too hot in his medium and his lightweight. I decided naked was the way to go. Hopefully the sun will stay shining at least until I get home.

Nas doesn’t like being too hot. He gets very grumpy and demanding. When he’s cold he is just thankful to be in with a big pile of haylage, he heads straight to his stable. When hot he likes to have a bit of a grump at me.

He’s very cute when he grumps though, he is one of those genuine horses that wouldn’t deliberatly hurt you and if he does by accident he gets really upset. So when he pretends to take a swipe out of me, I know its just for show.

Its so nice to actually see all of him, not just the neck and legs. It really grounds you and makes you realise that quote about the something of ‘the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man’ is so true.

For me just watching them meander around in the sunshine this morning is enough to lift my whole mood. And make me realise I love my life, my family and my Animals.

It has also made me strengthen my resolve to be in diet mode, I am currently sitting in a play barn with just a coffee for company. Yep no cake!!! I nearly had a slice but then I know that is a trigger to go off the rails.

I’m beginning to understand the difference between diet mode,maintenance mode and who cares mode. I think the bit of extra exercise this week has helped. And although its tough.

I have to accept from now on I am in Diet Mode, until I am back on my horse

There are now big clouds in the sky, being pushed along by the bitter wind. My ears are throbbing in the time it took me to turn the horses out. So much for thinking I was feeling a bit better, I feel as rough as yesterday. All I want is a few days of gorgeous sunshine just to get me back into the swing of things. It’s amazing how much more you can do when your not fighting the elements.

I also feel guilty about taking the boy out onto the yard with me when the weather is like this. He never has handled the cold very well even from a little tot, I can remember Steve and I making a snowman while he was inside watching. He is getting better, but that’s usually when he has friends about and doesn’t feel the cold as they are tearing about everywhere.

The other problem with this weather the cold sets into me now and it makes me want to hibernate in front of the tv and eat. Which in turn makes my mood miserable and zaps the motivation right out of me. I’m really trying not to let that happen anymore, despite being on my fourth coffee I am determined to hold out and not have anything until lunch time. In theory it should be easier today because I got up nearly 3hrs later than I usually have to. Reality and theory don’t usually tally though.

I’ve now got to motivate myself in the house. There is loads I could be doing, just none of it what I really want to be doing. I have been quite good the last few days at ticking over and getting on with stuff, considering i am always fighting the urge to do sod all. but i know i need to stay motivated indoors and keep on top of things. i am the worlds biggest procrastinator i can’t help it, it’s the thought of all the things i want/need to do that overwhelms me and then I do none of it.

Ironically when I push myself to do stuff I really enjoy it, my mood is better and I nearly always end up doing it with plenty of time to spare. I’m trying to relax now about running over and being late for appointments. I use to get so stressed about fitting everything in that I would sit there all day thinking I really need to do so and so before I go out but ah it’s not long I won’t have time, Nowadays I am trying to do it regardless,

It doesn’t stop me looking out the window hoping the cloud will clear and we can get some of that sunshine.