We didn’t have dinner last night not in the conventional sense anyhow. Shadow the new puppy we have acquired managed to get himself trodden on by Nas (totally wasn’t Nas’s fault) and to make it worse he got pushed along underneath as poor Nas tried not to hurt him anymore while getting out of the way.  Thank god he was unharmed we did think he had broken his paw but despite being shaken he was soon up and running again -after a couple of sweet biscuits- looking at him now if you hadn’t of seen it you wouldn’t believe it had happened.

Needless to say I needed something sweet after that, what I did have though was a bucket of soup with some tear and share bread. This helped to a point but my nerves were still synapsing most the day. In the end I couldn’t bare it anymore and munched my way through deal or no deal (yep a guilty pleasure of mine. It just so happens to come on at 5pm which is when I am in the house with the boy). I then proceeded to have prawn crackers and large dairy milk for dinner once I picked Steve up. Not quite the spaghetti carbonara ready meal I had planned lol.

Hence why I woke up hungry this morning and thought sod it I will have some porridge with the boy. I also think the advert I saw yesterday about porridge lowering cholesterol might have helped in my decision. Not that I have any idea about my cholesterol levels or have any intention of finding out. Like I said the other day all I’m interested in is my weight and whether I can ride Nas or not. It was pretty tasty but it feels a long time ago now and lunch feels even longer away!

It might not also be helped by the fact I’ve come in from the rain, I got soaked just putting the horses out and I only had a long sleeved top on with my gilet. I wasn’t happy hence why I am in before really doing anything on the yard. The forecast says it should clear up later so I figured I was better off waiting and doing it then.  This however is not helping my need to not be sitting around thinking about food -as I reach for a mint- I’ve already had 4 coffees this morning and I now feel so hungry I don’t think it would make a difference if I had another one anyhow.

So the big question of today will be can I hold out until lunchtime:-s

I’m really not sure where last year went if I’m honest; the daily runs to take hubby to a station 30miles away haven’t helped or the pick-ups. And then there was a lameness issue going on, as well as my usual battle of the bulge and a very sedentary year was had by all. If I’m honest I’m still not sure Nas is completely sound, it’s hard to tell when he is so unfit. And I mean really unfit he has had almost a year off. He’s never looked this bad, sure we’ve had or lulls in the past but nothing to the extent of this.

I think I spun him a few times on the lunge last year nothing that amounted to much more than a head collar though, or to be any help in gauging his level of lameness. I do believe his fitness now plays an important part in anything that is going on; the new farrier has been brilliant in helping to get his feet back to how they were. So hopefully in the long run this rest will have done him some good. However we can’t go on like this, it’s time to bring him back into work.

In fact it started today I was on the yard most of the morning firstly grooming Nas and then Paris. Then I had a good clean up and swept out the hay barn. Once I get him in later I’m washing his legs off so hopefully we can get them clipped off tomorrow. His feathers really don’t help the farrier and they also get those scabby sores. Which I’ve yet to try the stuff I got from the vet last year for him. Hmm wonder if it’s still in date.

Diet is also a go, two meals and trying to avoid sweet temptations. I finally got the Wi-Fi scales I was after, they took some setting up but now it’s done they send the info to my phone or the pc and then I can forward it to twitter or Facebook if I want.  Not that I want them for that it’s mainly so I have a set record each day. Everyone has weighed  on them and I think the general consensus is we all need to lose a bit of weight (even the boy), well in their case they just need to move about a bit more but it’s good to have it saved so we can all see.

About 5 weeks ago I was all hyped and excited about getting my arse back in the saddle by New Year, that hasn’t happened. Then at about 4 weeks I was all ready to start a plan that would involve more meals but smaller ones, that didn’t happen. Then I decided I would just go with the flow get everything sorted and get on top of everything before I started any more talk of plans or goals. And where has that left me….

Three weeks until Christmas, and if we want to get really technical this time in three weeks it will all be over! Of course most of my plans involve the New Year so it’s technically just under four weeks. And although I had some whimsical notion that I would see the New Year in by riding. Like most New Year’s resolutions I know that just isn’t going to happen. It’s not because I don’t want it too or haven’t in the past tried. But no matter how you look at it new year’s day is a bank holiday and not just any bank holiday it’s the first one of the year and I like to make the most of those little extra down time days by taking it easy with my family.

To be fair in the past we have usually been entertaining the family members we didn’t get to see at Christmas. It’s almost like another Christmas day just without the presents. This year I do believe we will be on our own. We were having a quiet Christmas up until about 2 weeks ago when everything changed and we now have a plethora of guests arriving from the 21^st until the 28^th of December. It’s going to be hectic to say the least… luckily I love it. Family at Christmas is what it’s all about to me. What I don’t love is that we have two more weeks at school. Which would be ok just? If it wasn’t for the nativity, the school disco, the drop in session, the cake sale and an end of school assembly. Yep all that in the next two weeks and I’m sure I’ve missed something out.

So with all the will in the world I just know I won’t be in any state to start thinking about exercising the horses for at least another four weeks. Which I do find frustrating but equally I know on some days it’s enough just to have to muck them out. Esp. Christmas morning in the past 6 yrs. I have realised there really is no good time to go out and do them. I hate that feeling of leaving my family inside. On the flip side though there are times when I am outside with the horses and I hate leaving them to join my family. It really does feel as though my heart is in two places at times. (Not that I would have it any other way) I love them all.

So my new kind of plan is to keep doing what I am doing with the horses and at least try to flick them over so they don’t look like abandoned wild beasts. And in the New Year I will bring them back into work (whilst praying the bad weather we are meant to get doesn’t materialise). I am sticking to three meals a day. I wouldn’t say they are particularly small or big really, I’m just having what I fancy within those time frames with a definite no to snacks. I found if I messed around too much it leaves me open to failure so even if I’m not particularly feeling breakfast I still have a small bowl of cereal. Lunch can be anything from a takeaway to a sandwich and piece of cake. As for dinner that is when unless I am out I try not to have a dessert.

Breeding my own wasn’t an option but I wanted something young enough that I could put my own stamp on so to speak, but not with too long to wait until the real work could start. Hmmm so I’ve ended up with a just turned two year old, I little younger than my initial search was.  Still it gives me plenty of time to hopefully build a relationship together, before we have to think about breaking.

I know I’m not equipped to break a youngster but I do know I want to put in as much ground work as possible before getting someone in to do the rest.  I want to get the ground work solid before we have to move and from what I have read of Friesians is they can take a little longer than most to mature. Being crossed with a cob though I hope it doesn’t take all that long. Although I know I will have to be patient it doesn’t stop me secretly being impatient.

Nas is smitten by his new neighbour and I think I’m going to have to be careful that they don’t run of together and forget about me, Nas has got attached to a mare before which was not fun. Little mo is enjoying her new life and has settled well her new rider is giving her plenty of cuddles. As for poor spirit I think she is feeling a little left out. Bless her Paris is not sure about her and when spirit did finally get an opportunity to say hello she ran off to the other side of the field.

Diet was ok over weekend, I ended up snacking and picking on Sunday which isn’t good. We had a cooked brekkie which left my routine a little shook up. At the moment until my fitness is up and my appetite is down I need to stick to the plan. Even yesterday despite not being hungry I was stressed about our new arrival. I ended up picking still I spent the day in an unsatisfied bloated state. Still back with it today. Oh and my scales are being a git so I’m trying to take the first weight they give me in the mornings.

24.8

I had two sticky moments during the day both involving the same chocolate biscuits; I managed to resist them mid-afternoon after deciding to do dinner before the riding lesson. They came back to haunt me though at about 10pm when Steve was squeaking about wanting cheese and crackers! Fortunately I was in the zone enough to resist.

The problem I do have is moving. I have spurts of pure motivation and the moments of absolutely zero motivation. It doesn’t help that my yard is a tip and I’m in the process of sorting out a new tack room arrangement. I have also been very slack on the clearing up after myself. Mainly down to lack of time. Spending time with the family has to take priority in the holidays.

I was hoping to of got organised before the hols but it was so darn hot I couldn’t lift a finger without flaking. And then the cooler days were wet and miserable and left little room for motivation. It’s got to the point now where it’s one of those real bug bear jobs where I just have to get on with it! In fact I just might today. Really I should tidy the house but that can wait until tomorrow.

I need to go outside and lunge Nas regardless. So maybe if I find somewhere to start it might snowball… I don’t know what I hate more a messy yard or a messy house.

24.7

So I will try to write a quick update from the previous day with my weight at the end in stones and pounds. I’ve stopped with the lbs. or kgs and sticking to what I know best and I know where I’m going to with that I don’t have to then keep converting back in my head.  So in order to get back on Nas as I said yesterday I want to be 22.10 which is two stone away.

My ultimate goal is still 15 (actually it will be 14.10) I’m never going to be a skinny Minnie and to be honest I think it’s fair to agree that most of that would be taken up by excess skin. Who knows though some people say that isn’t a problem, we’ll see it is a way off yet.  My first goal is set in my mind though.

Oh and I have an interim one of I won’t get him out and about until I’m below 20. Mainly because I need to get as fit as possible and I don’t see that happening at 22. There is no time scale to this like before. I just want the first 2 of as soon as possible and then we can work on the rest.  A personal dream is to get to a point where I can tack him up on a Sunday morning and go for a plod around the village.

24.8

It feels against the grain eating in the morning, I realise now however I need it if I’m going to achieve anything in the day. Otherwise I just clock watch constantly until lunchtime. And then if I’m not totally on it I can’t control myself when I do finally eat.  I have also noticed my mood is a lot better if I eat in the morning.

The only downside is the weight loss isn’t as great and some days it can be non-existent but I figure I will have more chance at sticking to it in the long term, I just need to up my exercise a lot more. And not let myself listen to the nagging in my head saying you’re not losing so what’s the point just eat chocolate in front of TV all night.

Nas came back into work yesterday, again! I know poor thing I keep stopping and starting him this is it now though I’m so motivated to get out there and get riding again as soon as my weight is back down below 23st and his fitness is up. He lost so much condition over the winter but the 24hr turnout has done wonders and now he’s looking a bit too good.

We just need to get us both fit again and then we’ll be ready to go in no time. I was planning on a cross country in September but realistically that’s not going to happen. I’m not too worried though all I want is to be back riding him and at a point where I can just tack up and go. We will aim for the shows etc., once I’m back in the saddle.

It’s all change here, I’ve found a new loan home for one of the Shetlands. The mini I think is older than we realised and although the boy has practically outgrown her, she now has another little rider. So she won’t be going anywhere. We’ve also decided to have a go at riding lessons for the boy. It’s no fun me constantly nagging him. And he really needs to ride something a bit bigger now.  We also might have a new addition in the next couple weeks, its hush hush for now.

Current weight:  24st10lbs

I can’t tell you how much this wound me up and yes I know I could of easily resolved the problem by changing my under wear. But by Jove these are new knickers and I wanted to at least get one more days wear out of them.

It really is stupid things like that the send me on a destructive path of eating and slumming it in front of the TV all day! It doesn’t happen often but when it does I go completely of the rails. Nothing is safe in the cupboard my stomach is like an empty pit.

I did realise again though its not just the craving certain flavours its actually the action of eating I yearn for. It must be like when a smoker gives up its the holding the cigarette they miss as much as the nicotine. There is no answer to this I don’t like chewing gum and please don’t mention fruit to me.

I have been trying the last few weeks really I have me and the boy demolished a whole punnet of strawberries one afternoon. But then the other one rotted in the fridge cos neither of us wanted it. My body just doesn’t yearn for fruit like some people’s.

As for the grazing muzzles oh my god having fat little ponies that blow up with grass is not fun, I’ve never really worried about Nas’s weight he does go tubby but never have I seem him so big it’s not healthy. His previous owner had him in a paddock with foot long lush grass, the grass he had at our old house was so nice that even though he only had 4hrs turnout it was enough to keep him looking good.

When we first moved here I let him have access to all the paddocks but with the introduction of the ponies I’ve slowly been restricting them all more and more to the point that when I wanted to move them to a rested paddock I was worried the sudden introduction of nice grass would kick of something unpleasant.

What the hell where has this paranoia over owning a horse come from! I don’t even give that much thought to the boy who we all know is the most important person in my life. I first noticed it a few months ago when I realised I had spent so much money and time worrying about Nas’s snot issue I had overlooked the fact the boy had been sporting a similar look.

So I’m trying to take the stress out of owning horses and put some of the fun back in, ok this can’t be done overnight which leads me back to the muzzles those poor ponies have them on 24/7 and they rub in funny little places no matter where you adjust them. So I’ve been taking them off at night and moving them into the barest paddock.

They have blown up a bit more however I think that’s much nicer than knowing they are sore and uncomfortable. I am keeping an eye on them and realise
they need a lot more exercise before i give them more grazing freedom. As for Nas he actually looks good on the fresh grass other than a handful of balancer, He doesn’t need anything else.

As for me, I don’t think jaw wiring is an option and besides I know a friend who had to have this done and she still managed to squeeze a few cadburys buttons in. I am however trying to be more mindful of what I am capable off, one of them is I really can’t get by on 2 meals a day anymore.

I’m now trying to eat three times a day spread out, this isn’t going to always be the same from one day to the next. Somedays it will be plain old breakfast cereal, sandwich and dinner or others it will be a cooked breakfast, cake and dinner. Much like life you just never know what’s going to happen in a day.

The only thing I am certain of is I will get this weight back off and I will ride Nas again this year.

I have become more accepting of myself though and it has given me a real chance to find myself -not wanting to sound too corny- I think I have finally realised what it is that I want/need. I also realised I’ve been living on the edge of depression for a while now, which hasn’t been good for those around me, what with our added stresses and the constant feeling that something is going to go wrong.

Ever since last year when Nas got ill, the car broke down and not to mention the money worries. I have found it hard to enjoy life without that constant feeling of dread in the back of my head. I think that is why I bury my head in the munchies with an escapism film. I don’t even have the drive to play computer games like I used to, it’s far easier to sit on Facebook or to immerse myself in reality TV.

The irony is… life is good, I love my family we live in a nice area with good friends and I have the horse’s right outside my back door. Ok they are living out at the moment which does make it easier to do bare minimum. I did bring Nas back into work last week though and he had a back lady out. Who confirmed my thoughts that he wasn’t quite right on his near side? Mid neck and back were both in need of attention.

It’s done the trick though and now he doesn’t look like a ‘cut and shut’ anymore. I have yet to exercise him since she came, hopefully later today.  That’s part of my problem I will say and plan in my head what I am going to do when but then it all goes out the window when I get distracted elsewhere and before I know it I’ve run out of time. This happened last week for the entire week, although I know I wasn’t sitting on my arse all day I still have no idea of what I actually achieved.

It’s the same with the old diet at the moment; I make a plan in my head I then do something and completely forget where or what I was trying to do. That is until I work through the same thought process and realise bugger I’ve already thought of that. What’s worse is its happening more than once, even this morning it happened.

Obviously I know it’s that sneaky part of me that is trying to trick me into believing it won’t hurt to have just a little smidgen of cake! The problem is on a daily basis it does hurt and rarely does it stop at just a little smidgen. Even now I’m thinking hmmm maybe I should have a yogurt with my lunch. Which I’m sure you are probably thinking is fine. Nope not for me I then work out the calories in those yogurts and figure hey I can have a small choccy bar for that!

See where I’m going?

So my question to you is one that’s been bugging me for a while:

Is it better to learn to ‘live without’ your guilty pleasure in the house or to learn to ‘live with it’ in the house.

It’s a little melodramatic all for a piece of chocolate I know, but you see I figured if I could live with it in the house without binging surely that is better. But then I should be able to not have it in the house without going out of my mind when I have a craving and there isn’t even a jar of nuttella to see me through.

I do know I can still get out and about without being in a world of pain, maybe just a cul de sac worth. I also did so many steps at the weekend I was convinced I was training for Rocky. It was great though and I only officially collapsed once.

And that was up one of the really tight on your hands and knees tower at the Tower of London. Still I wasn’t fazed and pushed on, in the past I would of done so much and then got to the point where I didn’t want to do anymore and would make excuses to go sit down.

This time I was determined to see it all and enjoy it! We did so much walking over the weekend it was hard work but enjoyable. Even battling the crowds in Leicester square to get to m&m world! We didn’t buy nearly enough in there.

So that was my first night away from home since our move to Norfolk nearly two years ago. It was nice to finally get away and have someone to look after the animals, was even nicer to come home to the animals. I even bought Nas back into work on Sunday.

Just a 20min spin on the lunge, not much but it’s just a start to get him back into work mode. Like a pro though he knew what to do. I took a rather amateurish video I will try to sort for a proper update. It’s less than 16 weeks until cross country day.

As for my diet! Just don’t ask, over the weekend I tried a new theory. On days like that I’ve decided that as long as I push myself and don’t sit there. I can have what I like to eat, which is pretty much what I did hence making the boy walk from covent garden to regent street.

This worked well and I think I will try and keep to that theory in future. The only problem was yesterday when I got home I wanted to continue eating and not push self as much. I did realise that half the time I go off the rails it’s because I can’t get my head around what I should/ shouldn’t be doing.

It’s like I relax for a bit and then when it’s time to cut back again, I either forget what I was doing before, or I try to push it so I can eat more than I should. So last night I had a think about this and today I’m in a better equipped place to get back on it.