So I will try to write a quick update from the previous day with my weight at the end in stones and pounds. I’ve stopped with the lbs. or kgs and sticking to what I know best and I know where I’m going to with that I don’t have to then keep converting back in my head.  So in order to get back on Nas as I said yesterday I want to be 22.10 which is two stone away.

My ultimate goal is still 15 (actually it will be 14.10) I’m never going to be a skinny Minnie and to be honest I think it’s fair to agree that most of that would be taken up by excess skin. Who knows though some people say that isn’t a problem, we’ll see it is a way off yet.  My first goal is set in my mind though.

Oh and I have an interim one of I won’t get him out and about until I’m below 20. Mainly because I need to get as fit as possible and I don’t see that happening at 22. There is no time scale to this like before. I just want the first 2 of as soon as possible and then we can work on the rest.  A personal dream is to get to a point where I can tack him up on a Sunday morning and go for a plod around the village.

24.8

Alas though it was not to be, it feels like everything has conspired against me in the last 6months from my car dying, to the summer holidays and not to mention the fact I have put on a stone. Poor Nas has been in the field living out for weeks now. It really has felt like a case of one thing after another.

But the really stupid thing is I would like nothing more than to be up at the crack of dawn and be heading to the cross country with my big black and white boy, and my two other boys. I’m sure they would of enjoyed it just as much as me. Instead I am sitting here writing a post -of course that is enjoyable as well but it’s not the same as losing control around a cross country- one day it will happen.

I have been trying to break the bad habits I mentioned earlier in the week, to no real avail. I have identified some trigger moments though and also have accepted that I am thoroughly depressed about my car situation. I am so desperate to have a car that is capable of towing and suitable for the dogs again. It’s the only thing I can think about. Which is wrong because I should be focusing on my Nas because by the time I do get one I want to be able to get out and about on him.

It’s been a tough few months, and although these are the same stresses we had at the beginning of the year I think the realisation that they are still here is hitting me hard. And I am my own worse enemy at the beginning of the year i was full of fight and ‘yeah we can do this’ where as now towards the end of the year in my head I am winding down to christmas/winter. Which really Doesn’t help.

I hate the out of control feeling I have in my life at the moment. It’s like I don’t actually know who I am and the worse part is I can’t be bothered. That is horrible when you can’t be bothered because you kind of know you have lost all hope. So I am going to try and use this missed goal as a fresh start into the next season. And try to renew my determination and will-power to get back on track and start being the person I want to be again.

My first new goal is to get my weight back down and Nas’s fitness back.

Yesterday though we had to take the car in for a service, she hasn’t been happy for a while now and cut out when I over took a tractor a few weeks ago. It’s hard to explain she just wasn’t running right, so we decided to start with a service and go from there.  Having time to kill we thought we’d hit Norwich and have a little wander –it would probably have been cheaper to drive home and back again- but that’s no fun.

Before that though I had a voucher for a tack shop, that wasn’t far from us. So thought I would check out their fuller fillies range.  They didn’t really have anything in stock apart from a pair of navy jodhpurs that were far too long. So in the end I opted for a pair of smaller purple ones. The voucher was too good not to use up. Plus I had kept the girl hanging around so felt I had to buy something.

When we got into Norwich we decided to try out a place we’d been recommended for lunch.  But first we had a wander around the shops.  I’m not sure when it was, I think when I first went to the toilet I caught a reflection of myself. Now not having full length mirrors at home other than the recent video’s I don’t get to see myself in full all that often.

Sure the video’s I analyse like hell and compare to old ones, after the initial eugh I’m fat thought my main concern is watching for signs of Nas being in any discomfort. So anyhow I caught my reflection the outfit I though looked ok wasn’t, it didn’t cover my stomach at all, the trousers which I liked because they were now loose, just made me look like humpty dumpty in drag.

Eugh I hate it, even though I carried on the rest of the day enjoying myself the reflection in the mirror was setting a horrible seed in my head. I was not happy, now I know I advocate loving ourselves etc. it is so hard when you are everything you don’t want to be. I don’t want to be this fat. Sure I don’t think I want to be super skinny either.

So there you have it I was depressed about my weight, Oh and of course I was checking out the Easter eggs, I wanted to get Horatio the rocket one from hotel chocolat which also meant I ended up putting a couple of treats in for me. After picking up the car and noticeably feeling the difference I was in a bit of a better mood.

That was until I got home, rushed to do the horses sort dinner etc., and then just completely collapsed I was pissy and I kind of knew why. So it didn’t help when I then suddenly felt really hungry even after having a substantial dinner and yogurt which I enjoyed.  I managed to hold out for an hour until I caved completely and attacked my goodies which you will probably guess by now weren’t actually all that nice, and not worth the extra calories.

I just want to get on with my life ride more, walk more, live more.  I don’t want what I see in the mirror to reflect my mood. I also want to know when I buy new clothes  they will fit. Yep the jodhpurs didn’t fit, I’m sure they aren’t far off but by then the seed had grown and it was enough to piss me right off.  The really annoying thing is I’ve woken up with the same attitude this morning.  At the moment there is nothing positive about my mood at all.

Actually thinking about it when I turned Nas out he just stood at the gate with me and had a nuzzle as I scratched his back – checking for sore spots-  he normally just wanders off into the field for a roll, so maybe it was his way of giving me a buck up nudge.

I’m not sure where I am going with this mood today, I am sure I will fill you in tomorrow though.

Still though it’s too big a message not to share, and finding it really was like the last piece of the puzzle I needed to help me make sense of all the mixed up feelings I have had recently about dieting, weight and being myself.

Some real negativity has surrounded me recently the wanting to lose weight for a purpose is all very well and good if it is reinforced with a positive attitude. However my want for riding and specifically along the beach is shrouding my weight loss with a lot of negativity and frustration.

This has then spilled over into other aspects of my life. It’s almost made me shut down to everything, and the easiest way for me to shut down and not feel is to eat. This way I am putting it all off for another day. Not the best attitude and certainly not one that will get me to my goal.

I’m not saying I was feeling so low I wasn’t going out. It was more a case of I don’t care I will wear these knackered old leggings to go up the school and who cares if my hair is a mess. Being the size I am it’s the least of my worries.

You might have gathered from my posts I am not one of those happy fat loud people, I am far from it and if anything I tend to avoid loud people at all costs. I’m not one for bringing attention to myself. But I would quite happily wear that T-shirt –hence why I have mailed and asked them if they will ship to the UK- again it’s not about making a big out there statement like the fat rants we keep seeing.

It’s like the t shirt says yeah I am fat! So? How does that affect you, me being here living my life the best way I know how to, trying to make the changes I need to for me not you. It’s not even an outright ‘If you don’t like what you see don’t look’ statement, which again I hate because we all know what happens when you tell someone not to look.

But mainly I think this statement isn’t for others, it’s for me. It’s for me to get a grip and accept I am not the fat and the fat is not me, I am more than that, yeah I am obese, so? Should that stop me going out on the yard and looking after my horses or going into town with my family no it shouldn’t and nor should it stop me enjoying any of it.