But then as the days went on he was striding out of his box much happier. There was no thudding of his front feet anymore, then last night when he came in, I could hear him do a rythmic canter across the field.

Followed by a lovely extended trot as he flew past me into his stable. You should of heard the sigh of relief at this point, as much as we have a lot of not so nice stuff going on in our lives at the moment.

All of that I can deal with to a point, but when it comes to my animals if something is not right (infact its any animal) then it just stresses and plays on my mind constantly. I also can’t help constantly thinking the worse.

And in this instance I obviously couldn’t help but think could it of been me riding him! -doh!- I know. one I haven’t ridden him for months, and we all know he can carry me fine. Just watch the beach ride.

So now the mystery lameness is sorted, its time to worm them all and then start doing something with them. I still have to sort out the snot problem its not as bad as it was, and is now just a small amount, but its white!

Its not affecting him as much anymore now and I’ve noticed spirit has the same just a lot less of it. So I’ve got a new supplement to try and I’m hoping coming back into exercise will knock it out.

Oh my god they do my head in, no I’m not a naturist quite the opposite I actually like nice clothes. But being over weight and finding nice clothes, not even riding attire. Just day to day clothes that don’t gape at the neck or shrink upwards but still remain wider than the widescreen tv. And if you do find anything you do actually like you have to pay through the nose for it.

The other day I was in m&co which isn’t somewhere I normally go thinking they don’t do plus size ( but they had a cute kiddie jumper in the window) so imagine my surprise to see a nice jumper in my size. And then imagine my utter surprise to see it was £32. Ok I know I may be a little behind the times but surely that is too much for an average jumper.

It doesn’t help that being overweight you don’t tend to have these so called capsule wardrobes. You have things that fit and those that don’t! And invariably as each season comes around you find you actually have nothing suitable left because it shrunk or wore through. I have a friend that still wears tops she had in her 20’s the only thing I have left from then is a 36b bra, Don’t ask me why!

So there you have it basically I got soo pissed off with needing clothes and not finding anything i liked or within my budget, when on the next rail there was something I liked and reasonably priced but only went upto a size 20. And when I did find something I couldn’t help but think you’ve got loads of clothes in your wardrobe that if only you lost a little you could wear.

Talking of my wardrobe, I actually haven got as much as I thought after I went through it yesterday and took out everything that if I was honest I didn’t really like and if I was more honest I would never fit into. I had size 18 trousers that would come upto my armpits. I had polo type tops with stripes! don’t even get me started on the unsuitable riding clothes I have (ok I will but in my next post).

So after an hour of sifting and sorting I managed to free up 30 hangers. And that’s including hanging the four new long sleeved tshirts I just ordered from Evans. I got so sick of buying tops that shrink in the wrong places. And these worked out at £15 for 2. I have also ordered another couple of pairs of leggings from tesco at £7 a pair.

This will be the base of my wardrobe for now, sure I don’t entirely believe on putting off having nice stuff just because your overweight and if you can afford them then why the hell not. But for me right now I just want something I can wear day to day, that looks decent enough and doesn’t drag in the mud.

Obviously if money was no object I would be dressed top to toe in some kind of colour coded riding outfit, more on this next time.

After thinking on this a while I came upon why I have been pigging out recently –this might take some explaining, or you might get my point straight away- when I over eat I don’t think about anything else other than the food I am eating and then how fat I am. I focus my day around what I can eat and when.

In fact most days I just eat continuously slowly eating my way through whatever is in the cupboard until I’m so thoroughly fed up I make an excuse to pop out, which always involves  going past a newsagent where I buy a supply of chocolate that would last most a week. Me it lasts an hour or so.

I then decide there is no point on having the healthy’ish’ meal that was planned for dinner and we might as well get takeaway. Usually I have a little battle with myself over this and the other half will get a series of messages saying we’re having so and so for tea, and then I switch back and forth.

By the time he gets home he has no idea what we are having. Sometimes I turn around and say hmm I don’t really want anything (this is rare, but does happen) only for me to then raid the cupboards again an hour later.

So you can see if all of my time is taken up with binging or dealing with the fall out of the binging: constant perusing of the www looking for the miracle cure. I don’t have to deal with what is going on around me. Nas being ill, our finances being in a bit of a state, the house and garden need some work.

The only thing I seem to be able to do consistently is be a mum to the boy. I even struggle with this at times, but I know I have to be there for him. I suppose that’s all part of growing up and being a parent. Plus even on the darkest days he brings me a lot of joy. Much the same as Nas does when I can get out to him for more than the few minutes it takes to feed him.

Yesterday I had the best 40 minutes; first the boy rode spirit, after determining her fat belly wasn’t actually a foal about to drop. And then I spun Nas on the lunge quickly, I didn’t have time to groom him, because I literally had 40 mins before a friend was picking me up.

Now usually I would have wasted that time sitting around munching, having another cup of tea. Flicking between Facebook and the forums I read. But yesterday something clicked inside that said get out there, so I did. And boy do I feel better for it; I even think that Steve and The boy enjoyed it as well as Nas and spirit.

So I realised last night that despite spending the last few weeks eating, the stress still hasn’t gone away all I did was lose that time enjoying it with my family and horses. I made a new year’s resolution in January that I would face the things I find stressful and try to avoid.  However since the beach ride I have pretty much let things get on top of me.

So it’s now time to deal with what comes up and the stuff I can’t deal with comes down to….

Que sera sera 

So heavy no one could pick me up.

So heavy that patio chairs quake at the site of me.

So heavy that if I went on a ride at Alton towers I would shift the weight of the whole ride.

So heavy that I even thought a cruise liner could capsize with me getting on, Let alone a rowing boat.

I could go on all day with these, some are justified some are not. One of the biggest ones though for me has been the good ole English pier. They scare the crap out of me, and if I see a wonky or rotten board I have a minor meltdown.

Basically I have spent my life checking out every place I intend to lean against or sit on. The times I have sat precariously on the edge of a chair trying to have a relaxed conversation. With the constant thought in my mind –omg this chair is going to break- or walked across a bridge cursing my upper body strength for not being able to hold me in the case of an emergency –said bridge giving way- .

Suddenly though things are beginning to click into place. Last year we went to a place called bewilderwood (if you have kids or not I highly recommend it) it’s an adventure park made up of tree houses wooden bridges and some pretty amazing slides. As a fatty though I went mainly for the boy.  I did try and go on some of it but got too freaked by my perceived thinness of the wood.

And even though I saw a few people walk across the bridge that could of quite easily been my combined weight and more I still couldn’t bring myself to try it. For some reason I have it in my head that obviously my weight condensed into one person is a hell of a lot more pressure.

After though I was talking to my dad who told me there was no way I could break the wood. And when I think about what they have used wood for in the past then sure if they can roll heavy stones boats on wood then surely I wouldn’t break it.

One of the other moments was we recently brought a garden bench for storing the boys toys in. when I was looking at it in the shop I sat on the edge to see if it would hold my weight seeing as its meant to double up as bench. It did but I was perching you see, so when we got it home and I saw the max weight on the top was more than double my weight I was actually shocked.

And the final thing is when I am on the sofa I don’t like to rest my leg on Steve in case it hurts and is too heavy. So last night I asked him outright, does it hurt? And he said no. well that’s all I needed he is now my official leg rest J .

Basically what I am trying to say is although we all probably know our weight down to the last ounce; we actually have no concept of what that weight actually weighs. We just think because it’s more than your average person it must be weigh a tonne! Quite literally in my head I do weigh that and on some days even more.

It’s not a nice way to live and while you have these perceptions I don’t know about you but I do know it stops me doing the things I want to do. It stops me joining in on a whim it stops me having the freedom to enjoy myself. And often it’s not about me it’s about how people perceive me and how much I weigh, it’s both sides of the scales they either grossly under estimate or go way over the top.

If they can’t get it right how am I meant to.

But still despite the heavier clothes and yesterday’s pig out you would of thought I would have been down even a little! Hmm well another confession would have to be the takeaway fest we have had recently, to be honest I didn’t realise it was as bad as all that until I actually thought about it.

Chinese, fish and chips, McDonalds, burger king and a kebab. We nearly had Indian last night as well. Oh and I have been filling up at my meal times, lunch is usually eggs on toast etc. but you know what I think has been the biggest contributor the lack of exercise.

I really need to do some, even though my weight was down last week everything still felt tight. This has to do with me not being as toned as I was. I did say I was going to start walking around the field in the evening but it still hasn’t happened.  Same as I said I would find some stretches to do. I can feel my body needs it, I still haven’t sorted it.

I also think though the trying to give up something I enjoy such as chocolate etc. gave me an unhealthy obsession about it this past week, I was a miserable dieter. The most miserable I have been for a long time. Sure I was trying to focus on the beach ride. But even that couldn’t stop me thinking about it.

There were a couple of occasions where I was offered something and refused. They will haunt me because I did want them. Add that to the normal time of month angst and it being mother’s day I think I was doomed from the start.

So my new plan this week is to forget the giving up sweet things. And go back to what I know works. As well as trying to cut down my portion sizes, I will definitely be prioritising exercise this week. It’s not just going to be for Nas but for me as well I need to get fit.

Oh and time of month has kicked in, which could possibly be the real explanation for chocolate binge and weight gain, who knows what I do know is its left me with a meh feeling. Need to try and get motivated again only 5 more Sundays until the beach ride.

Still though it’s too big a message not to share, and finding it really was like the last piece of the puzzle I needed to help me make sense of all the mixed up feelings I have had recently about dieting, weight and being myself.

Some real negativity has surrounded me recently the wanting to lose weight for a purpose is all very well and good if it is reinforced with a positive attitude. However my want for riding and specifically along the beach is shrouding my weight loss with a lot of negativity and frustration.

This has then spilled over into other aspects of my life. It’s almost made me shut down to everything, and the easiest way for me to shut down and not feel is to eat. This way I am putting it all off for another day. Not the best attitude and certainly not one that will get me to my goal.

I’m not saying I was feeling so low I wasn’t going out. It was more a case of I don’t care I will wear these knackered old leggings to go up the school and who cares if my hair is a mess. Being the size I am it’s the least of my worries.

You might have gathered from my posts I am not one of those happy fat loud people, I am far from it and if anything I tend to avoid loud people at all costs. I’m not one for bringing attention to myself. But I would quite happily wear that T-shirt –hence why I have mailed and asked them if they will ship to the UK- again it’s not about making a big out there statement like the fat rants we keep seeing.

It’s like the t shirt says yeah I am fat! So? How does that affect you, me being here living my life the best way I know how to, trying to make the changes I need to for me not you. It’s not even an outright ‘If you don’t like what you see don’t look’ statement, which again I hate because we all know what happens when you tell someone not to look.

But mainly I think this statement isn’t for others, it’s for me. It’s for me to get a grip and accept I am not the fat and the fat is not me, I am more than that, yeah I am obese, so? Should that stop me going out on the yard and looking after my horses or going into town with my family no it shouldn’t and nor should it stop me enjoying any of it.

I’ve been toying with the idea of doing my own fat rant. And one day I might put out there my thoughts on it all it would probably be a more anti-fat rant though. Because in my mind there is no hiding it I am fat and I am unhappy with being fat. I don’t expect people to accept my fat what I do want is for people to like me for me.

This past week has been a real eye opener for me; it gave me a chance to see the person I was before I lost three stone or if you like before I started trying to take control of my life. A mixture of being busy then tired then bloated, then busy again. Has given me the chance to stand back and see where I am with it all and how easily I could slip back to where I was.

I’ve also dealt with a few frustrations in the last week and not only shut down to posting but also to Steve, basically anyone that required something from me. Except the boy who I was a bit grumpy with, after telling me I was prettier than sleeping beauty though I could hardly stay grumpy at him.

Anyhow I woke up this morning in an almighty foul mood I’m not sure why really I know I needed to write a post seeing as it’s been a while. But what have I got to say not much really… I was good last week more than I was bad. But then the bad days were really bad, and probably out rank the good days twofold.

I did weigh on Sunday 22st 3lbs which as a good friend pointed out I was down 3lbs still this depressed me I was really hoping to below 22st. but then what? What if I was would it make me get on Nas any quicker, would it make me more determined? Doubt it!

There is so much negativity surrounding me, just trying to arrange my thoughts into a legible post has been too much. So much so it’s been easier to eat and make excuses… I’m too tired, stressed, bored, depressed, blah blah. Anything that will give me an excuse not to have to face the fact I need to…

Re-evaluate who I am, why I am, and how I am going to make the changes needed for me to find my happy place…

Decorations are still up, and we have family coming in the week  I might make a lil cake so The boy can celebrate with my family What is over is  the constant eating –more on why tomorrow- I have been eating so much recently  it’s unreal and I am not happy from it either.

Today I am going to say no to breakfast no matter how tempting the toast smells in fact I might go out and muck out while everyone is eating, I’m going to hold out until lunchtime when we go to the pub for a carvery.

After that I will not eat anything until all three of us are in front of the TV and watching a good film. With some popcorn and chocolate I resisted eating last night. No more birthday cake or biscuits for me for the time being.

I might even have to cut out the flapjack, it’s not quite a cake not quite a biscuit so I kept going back for more thinking I was justified,  think I will start making the banana muffins again. Something filling bit not so moreish.

More of an update tomorrow hopefully.

This is unusual for me seeing as in the past I have always embraced the whole concept of ‘new years’ and resolutions, a time for change etc.  Also 6 years ago I met my future husband on the 3^rd of January.  After we had spent the whole of 2^nd January on the phone to one another, that is except for his bathroom trips (hangover lol).

This year however I am ready I am excited and I have a general air of ‘bring it on about me’ this year like I said in my previous post I am facing everything head on –now this can be a bit of a problem seeing as I am a typical Taurus bull in a china shop – hopefully though my excitement won’t turn to destruction.

One of the turning points for me has been the realisation that expecting your life to suddenly be everything you want on the 1^st January is not only delusional but unrealistic. I don’t know about you but we always plan a big meal on New Year’s Day and I can guarantee there are still some goodies around.

Also although in ‘fat land’ a diet usually starts on a Monday. It never ever starts on a bank holiday Monday. So why then would we think that new year’s day would be a good day to start being good, if you are one of the many that did start this new year’s day and can say hand on heart that by the 2^nd you hadn’t broken it. Then good for you I’m proud you have done something I could never do.

Again I now know you don’t need to have clear cupboards to diet or no life (parties, coffee with friends, family get together) to have a fighting chance of sticking to it. The other day someone asked ‘when is the best time to start a diet?’  :-s I wanted to reply with ‘firstly don’t diet go back to eating normally’ and secondly there is no ‘time’ just do it ‘Now’

Both I and hubby yesterday commented on how we know our bodies are ready for a few lighter meals. This was over our anniversary meal of Chinese which we couldn’t actually finish. It doesn’t mean we will go hungry it just means we won’t be eating until bulging point. We also feel the need to get out more with the dogs.

On the first of January I wasn’t ready I know I would have been miserable if I had tried to diet that day.  3days later I am ready I am not sitting here thinking about food at all. I know what I am having later for dinner and sure I’m looking forward to it. Now my focus has come back of food, and back to living.

The feeling of missing out for me doesn’t come within that scenario it’s more of an internal issue that has nothing to do with what’s going on around me. It’s a feeling that Iseem to have trouble explaining. The times I have stuck to a plan at a time when most would think I would fail. Only for something to snap at a totally unrelated time and at that point I lose all control as I buy more food than I should eat in a week.

One big thing I will change this week is exercise, I’ve been a bit out of sync since the move and although I have been busy I really haven’t done enough exercise. So this week my goal is to get the dogs out every day. Hopefully the footpaths around me will be in a better state of repair and I won’t have to walk across a ploughed field. it’s those sort of things that do put me off and give me what I think is the ideal excuse not to do something because I can’t get my head around it when really It is a footpath and I can walk along it. Plus it’s what 30/40mins max out of my day. I’m also going to start swimming once a week while Horatio has his karate class.