I can’t tell you how much this wound me up and yes I know I could of easily resolved the problem by changing my under wear. But by Jove these are new knickers and I wanted to at least get one more days wear out of them.

It really is stupid things like that the send me on a destructive path of eating and slumming it in front of the TV all day! It doesn’t happen often but when it does I go completely of the rails. Nothing is safe in the cupboard my stomach is like an empty pit.

I did realise again though its not just the craving certain flavours its actually the action of eating I yearn for. It must be like when a smoker gives up its the holding the cigarette they miss as much as the nicotine. There is no answer to this I don’t like chewing gum and please don’t mention fruit to me.

I have been trying the last few weeks really I have me and the boy demolished a whole punnet of strawberries one afternoon. But then the other one rotted in the fridge cos neither of us wanted it. My body just doesn’t yearn for fruit like some people’s.

As for the grazing muzzles oh my god having fat little ponies that blow up with grass is not fun, I’ve never really worried about Nas’s weight he does go tubby but never have I seem him so big it’s not healthy. His previous owner had him in a paddock with foot long lush grass, the grass he had at our old house was so nice that even though he only had 4hrs turnout it was enough to keep him looking good.

When we first moved here I let him have access to all the paddocks but with the introduction of the ponies I’ve slowly been restricting them all more and more to the point that when I wanted to move them to a rested paddock I was worried the sudden introduction of nice grass would kick of something unpleasant.

What the hell where has this paranoia over owning a horse come from! I don’t even give that much thought to the boy who we all know is the most important person in my life. I first noticed it a few months ago when I realised I had spent so much money and time worrying about Nas’s snot issue I had overlooked the fact the boy had been sporting a similar look.

So I’m trying to take the stress out of owning horses and put some of the fun back in, ok this can’t be done overnight which leads me back to the muzzles those poor ponies have them on 24/7 and they rub in funny little places no matter where you adjust them. So I’ve been taking them off at night and moving them into the barest paddock.

They have blown up a bit more however I think that’s much nicer than knowing they are sore and uncomfortable. I am keeping an eye on them and realise
they need a lot more exercise before i give them more grazing freedom. As for Nas he actually looks good on the fresh grass other than a handful of balancer, He doesn’t need anything else.

As for me, I don’t think jaw wiring is an option and besides I know a friend who had to have this done and she still managed to squeeze a few cadburys buttons in. I am however trying to be more mindful of what I am capable off, one of them is I really can’t get by on 2 meals a day anymore.

I’m now trying to eat three times a day spread out, this isn’t going to always be the same from one day to the next. Somedays it will be plain old breakfast cereal, sandwich and dinner or others it will be a cooked breakfast, cake and dinner. Much like life you just never know what’s going to happen in a day.

The only thing I am certain of is I will get this weight back off and I will ride Nas again this year.

You would think from the previous paragraph I meant ‘stop’ as in sit back relax, no what I meant was just STOP EATING there was a sudden shift of being in control with my food to being totally of the radar bad, about an hour ago. This past week I decided I wouldn’t go all out to be good, not in the truest sense of the word. I would be good in the sense I would limit my quantities and not what I was eating.

So for the past 3days or so I have stuck to 2meals a day both with a dessert of sorts. Even yesterday on my birthday I kind of stuck with it, if you dismiss the shared starter and a small tidgy second pudding with an espresso (pizza express is a new fave of ours). Generally though I was good, most of the day with no snacking between meals.

I’ve been in a much happier calmer place the last few days; I had an amazing birthday with my friends and family. I’m off out for a long a-waited Indian tonight with some good friends. So why then have I just had a binge? Ok maybe the chocolate caramel crispy thing Steve bought me for my birthday which I had first thing with a coffee might not of helped but you would of thought having that would of helped me to at least get through until lunch? .

I should be so lucky, after getting Nas out an hour later than usual –school commitment- I then came in just before it turned cold and rainy. And thought hmmm I’m going to finish of the peanut butter snickers bar with a coffee! Bad Bad Mistake… this then led to 3 x snickers ice-cream a bag of pomme bear crisps and for good measure to bulk me out a cheese sandwich! Yes I now feel thoroughly sick and mildly dehydrated –which is something else I keep doing at the moment- Getting really thirsty!

I was all set to say sod it I might as well scrub all plans of being good until after the weekend, it’s not like I’ve lost any weight so what’s the harm. This is when I thought STOP I don’t want to be this crazed person trying to fit all my fave foods in, I don’t want to spend the next few days feeling thoroughly bleugh. And I certainly don’t want to gain weight. I have actually stayed the same since last Friday pretty much, despite the heavy going weekend and then the last few days which included cake and ice-creams.

Also today is not beyond redemption, if I stop now. There is no reason why I can’t go out tonight as planned and enjoy my Indian. Previous experience has shown I enjoy it more when on the straight than I do when it just part of another binge out. Plus normal people who know they are going out for a heavy meal would probably ease of eating all day, so what’s 8hrs in the grand scheme of things. It’s not like I don’t have loads to be getting on with to help the time fly.

Who knows if I stay busy I might even burn off a snickers or two, which is off course once the icky feeling has gone. I really feel if I pull this off and not let it be an excuse to carry on eating for the next three days. It could be a major milestone in my journey, having a binge out is not the be all and end all, they happen. life sucks at times, but it doesn’t have to ruin your life. I very much like the saying ‘it might of won the battle, but it hasn’t won the war’ at the moment. I like to think each little slip up as a battle but ultimately I am for winning the war.

I will stick on with the plan until Sunday. By Monday though I am going to rein it in a bit more and start to get serious. Everyone is coming back into work, me included.

I managed to put myself into a foul mood first thing yesterday by eating some of the coffee chocs I had left with my coffee. This kind of led from one thing to another and before you know it we were having hot cross buns before I’d even given the horses their brekkie! I know your prob thinking that’s ok. But It didn’t stop there those hot cross buns were the lever I need to open the tomb of munchkin land. I pretty much snacked and nibbled my way through the rest of the day.

And boy was I pissed off with myself. I want to enjoy my food but I knew yesterday I was taking it too far. If I’m honest I blame the hot cross buns… See I consider them along the lines of toast, but they aren’t they don’t fill you up and just leave you with a this empty but bloated feeling. Which is exactly what I said to my friend via text when I was moaning to her about my splurge. It didn’t help my mood much when she text me later to say she’d had a lovely hack.

just as I was in the middle of mucking out, something I really didn’t want to be doing yesterday and wasn’t helped by fact Nas had done twice his normal droppings -time to cut back the haylage I think- add that to the always dirty and messy mo, I was not in the best of moods. I did have a revelation though and realised I did actually want to be out there. Just not to spend all my time mucking out. On a plus note Nas was shod on Wednesday (touch wood) so far he’s sound. Fingers crossed he will be coming back into work on Monday.

I wrote this post today because I was sitting here with my morning coffee struggling to fight those munches again. I had sneaked a bite of one of the easter cookies I made yesterday, luckily the boy was there and I handed it over to him. So now I’m struggling with the fact I have eaten something and I might as well continue, but I want to be good! I know later on today food will be in abundance. that’s why I want to limit it now. But equally I’m thinking maybe at weekends I should have three meals.

I shall let you know what I decided….

Hope you all have a Happy Easter! Despite the snow and my pah mood I am enjoying having my boys home x

It’s also been roughly four months since the beach ride and in that time I think I have ridden twice! You’ll know there have been some genuine reasons why, and yes there are some big ‘ol excuses in there as well.  After his impromptu holiday I think there will be a few more as to why I’m not riding at the moment as well if you are wondering why see the above paragraph lol.

It’s not just my weight but my fitness that holds me back, the last time I got on Nas it was a struggle to lift my foot into the stirrup, sure anyone of any weight who is slightly unfit can have that problem. But for me I know it’s down to both my weight and fitness. And I don’t like it, I have hardly walked the dogs in the past few months and it appears a bit of poo picking doesn’t make up for mucking out every day.

So that kind of sums up where I am at the moment actually NO! That’s not right this is where I was yesterday…

Today …

Is a whole another story, I have woken up hungry but also determined to get back on track; I’ve decided to stop worrying about what I should do/eat and when and just stick to something.  I’ve made a mental decision not to buy any more chocolate –specifically snickers- I’m also going to stop the home baking and put more effort into cooking nice meals.  We all know I think there is always a time and place for cake, right now though I want to limit that until my weight is going in the right direction.

Truthfully it will be a couple of weeks before I get back on Nas again –I don’t see it as fair to bring him in from almost a month off and expect to ride him at my weight- ideally I want to get below the 22st mark before I get back on him. It’s also realistic to say we won’t be doing the cross country. Instead I am going to work towards a dressage test before the end of the year.  In the meantime I will be bringing him back into work gradually.

My fitness got the kick start it needed yesterday and despite a bit of pain in my feet I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would from walking 4miles for the first time in months. I’ve also made a start on the stretches and toning exercises I keep bleating on about. The biggest thing about fitness is just doing so yep I am going to stop sitting there thinking about what I have to and start doing it. I’ve already planned a walk for the dogs later today.

So despite it still being the holidays and hearing the word mummy a billions times a day. I’m back and more determined than ever to finally kick what is holding me back in the butt.

Yep you guessed it the good old ‘snickers bar’ or when the sun is actually shining the ‘snickers ice-cream’ boy am I addicted to these lovely peanut caramel bars. Of course that is after I had dealt with the name change. Boy what would I do to taste a ‘marathon’ again?

But hey snickers are a very close substitute. The last couple of years I could get the ice cream bars on the way to picking the boy up from nursery. But since the move there isn’t really anywhere that does them. And despite being able to eat a box of them in one go, I really don’t think I should.

So I’ve been picking up the individual bars, I have had so many even the boy is beginning to develop a bit of a taste for them, despite me trying to warn him off with the threat of the nuts. He even started chanting it to me the other day in a bid to get me to share.

This is part of the reason I ended up eating a whole bunch of them in one go on Tuesday, he was quite happily eating fruit after school one day until he saw me with the snickers. That day I insisted he had the fruit. But it struck a chord how can I encourage him to eat fruit while I’m sitting there eating chocolate.

Then the following day I had a bit of a moan about someone and didn’t realise quite how much the whole scenario was upsetting me until I realised I had eaten my mid afternoon snack (snickers) without really considering if I was hungry or not, it also went down a bit to easily with no instant effect. So before I knew it I went back for another one and then another one, right up until I had eaten 5!

At this point I was feeling rather bleugh and horrible but I remembered what my friend had once told me –please don’t try this at home- she use to get mild obsessions over food etc. but the way she dealt with it was to eat loads of whatever she was craving until she felt sick. Figuring I would try her advice I did force the 6^th one in, ok it really wasn’t that hard but hey I did feel ill.

After though when I told her about it, she then tells me I have to do that a few times! No way could I do that, I would go back up to my start weight in a couple of weeks!  So yes I am disappointed in myself for eating all the snickers not just because I haven’t got one to have right now. But also because it meant I lost control when I thought I was in control.

It won’t deter me though I have cleared up the rubbish and I’m continuing on, I will lose this weight and I will ride a cross country this year.

Oh and before I forget, if you are out and see one of those any flavour you want Milkshake bars… Have the Snickers one I swear you wont be disappointed. I did try making them myself at home, but the bottom of my blender came off, pfft.

But then it just came to me as I was discussing it with a friend, after a rather ferocious bout of ragwort pulling –more on that tomorrow- we were discussing my change in attitude from that of last week. And it just came to me as I was trying to get across the fact I AM going to stick with it this time despite the stress and tiredness.

So yes the tides have changed, after my complete shut down and pig out on Friday. Would you like to know what I had? Sorry I’m going to tell you anyway… it started with scrambled eggs on toast, followed by jam on toast, a marmite sandwich, a peanut butter sandwich, a couple of packets of crisp. Some chocolate and McDonalds.

Yep I did eat all that in one day, and I’m pretty sure there is more I just can’t think of it right now. I also spent the entire day watching TV continuously other than the times I threw some food at the animals. Ok so I’m sure some of you are in shock by the amount I ate in one day, and sometimes I shock myself by the amount I can eat.

What I can say is though my body wanted it, despite eating all that I was still getting hungry signals, Right up until the McDonalds hit my stomach and then I was full and could eat no more.  This wasn’t the only day last week I ate like that. Hence why my weight jumped up half a stone.

In a way though I’m not unhappy with last week’s events I think I needed it, I needed that day out on Friday to just not think and the best way to not think is to drown yourself in carbs of course, Oh and some good TV about fairy tales no less.

Since Friday though I have been in a much better frame of mind and despite having 4 big scoops of cookie dough ice-cream and 3 sausage rolls, 2 yum yums & a snickers  (almost a new song their) in the course of the weekend, as of this morning I am down 3lbs. And no I didn’t run a marathon; a lot of weed pulling might have helped though.

Other than the weight loss though I am pleased with myself this afternoon I had a snickers after yep you guessed it more weed pulling. Not long after I very nearly had another one, which I knew was actually code for you might as well eat all of them.  I resisted though and there are still 6 snickers sitting in the tub -hey another song-  

So yes as the title says tides are changing….

Of course I had loads to do, but I had just picked the boy up from school and after failing in trying to convince him to ride -he was hot and bothered- he just wanted to watch tv. So I was kind of at a loose end.

The past couple of weeks we had spent the time after school doing some kind of homework. But for some reason yesterday I just stopped! Which was long enough for the grr to set in.

And for the hunger window to open. Yes I filled it with chocolate biscuits, ice-cream and crisps! I did have a small tea of toasted sandwich’s. And funnily enough after tea I kicked myself into cleaning the kitchen and dining room.

Now why couldn’t I of done that before I had eaten too much, today I am going to make some homemade flapjack for my sweet craving. I know it definitely fills a gap and doesn’t leave me wanting more.

I know you are probably thinking what kind of diet is this, and in the past I have often had comments about what I am eating in a bid to lose weight. Something’s along the lines of no wondered your fat if you eat cake etc. I would just like to say the cake alone hasn’t made me fat, it’s the lack of exercise and quantities of what I’ve been eating that has made me fat.

In fact now on a normal day I would have a piece of flapjack and sure enough I would find an excuse to go back for another piece… sometimes even two pieces wouldn’t be enough, see where I’m going with this sure you can call me a glutton but until someone can tell me exactly why it is I have the desire to over eat and then some.

I don’t think it’s fair to use such detrimental words; I don’t want to be that person. I would love to be the kind that doesn’t think about food at all and can go all day without eating. Or would I? I enjoy my food I like the social side of it. A nice meal with friends and family, take Christmas for example now I’m older it’s no longer about the presents but more about the lunch.

In the past few weeks I have been more bad than good. – When I say bad! I mean no control eating everything in my sight – crisps, biscuits, sausage rolls, chocolate, and takeaway. Now all of those are ok if you’re not eating 24/7 like I do when I am on a blowout even if I eat to the point of feeling ill it soon subsides and I go again.

It’s not like I haven’t wanted or even tried to be good. Thinking about it though, I have been trying to be too good.  I then crash and burn at my weakest times (evenings), if I get to the evening and I don’t feel satisfied I will eat anything I can find. Whereas if I do have some of the things I like through the day I can control it. Usually by telling myself I can have whatever it is I think I am craving tomorrow as part of my plan.

`For the time being I’m not going to worry about what I am eating. I am going to focus on getting when I am eating back in control i.e. not constantly my aim at the moment is 4 x a day… mid-morning, lunch, mid-afternoon & dinner.  I’m hoping these times will stop me getting really hungry and then blowing it altogether.

Once I am back in control I can then start to have a shift round and you never know I might actually start craving the healthy foods. That we are so conditioned into thinking we should be eating to lose weight. Who knows, regardless I know less in more out means at some point I will lose weight. Again I am hoping once I get into a routine I will have more energy to pick up the fitness issue.

That’s the problem with diet and exercise… it really is a case of the right balance too much food can often be as bad as too little. Either you are to bloated to move or too weak. I do agree your blood sugar levels play an important role in keeping you going.

So that’s it, my plan for the time being as soon as I get on the scales I will let you know, where I am at. I know you would think that now I’m riding I would be more motivated to lose weight. If only it were that simple. And to be honest in fact my main motivation is fitness, obviously I want to be lighter and be less of a burden on Nas.

I can’t really explain why I over eat like I do, I know stress plays an important part but so  does happiness, tiredness, practically all emotions equal food to me. Right or wrong I don’t really care. I just want to be in control and aware of what I am eating.  Neither worrying if its healthy or un-healthy food is food we need it to survive. So why not enjoy it, enjoy life.

Enough on that for the minute and back to something that I don’t have a good vibe about… food and dieting eugh! The Sadomasochist in me made me get on the scales yesterday, I was going to try and stay of them until after the beach ride and time of the month is never a good time to weigh either.

But still I couldn’t resist especially when Steve had the exact coin I need in his pocket. So despite not being good I was hoping the extra activities I’ve been doing recently it would have some impact, now I do know it has had some my waist is down an inch and the leggings I was living in are now baggy all over so it can’t just be the elastic that’s gone!

I’ve also noticed I am more flexible and have a larger range of motions when stretching etc., walking isn’t hard work for me and I even got on a swing the other day at the nature reserve. It’s unusual for me to find a swing big enough without hurting my thighs or even strong enough looking that I don’t fear for my life.

So on I got and raced the boy to the top, ouch it was hard work I felt it in my arms stomach legs in fact ten minutes on the swing had me puffing and panting, but still I had a big smile and enjoyed flying through the air. No wonder kids are fit if they can have that kind of fun. it reminded me of the times I use to spend most the day around the swings playing constantly on the go.

So back to the scales it’s not good news and I’m a little gutted to say the least but then I only have myself and the Easter holidays to blame, my weight was still at 22st5lbs not good. I was really hoping to see 21^st but it’s just not happening.  Now the boy is back at school my plan is to kick my arse back on track this week.

The only issue is I don’t know how, I woke up this morning thinking about porridge (which I had) and once again regret and now despite being full I am thinking about other foods I want.  Sure I could go all out and try to follow some kind of diet plan, but as well know that’s not me.  It’s safe to say my head is a bit wibbly wobbly at the moment when it comes to food.

The only certainty is I have to stop eating chocolate again! and try to get back into some sort of routine which I can stick to without feeling like I am missing out, oh and the other thing is back into a place where I can eat something like an apple knowing it’s doing me more good than harm. What I mean by that is I avoid what I call unnecessary calories in order to justify the necessary ones.

Hmm think I need to have a sit and think now that I have the time to, without threat of hearing ‘mummy’ every few minutes. Still I will miss the constant barrage of questions and requests. I better get on with it; it’s only 6hrs until the boy comes home.

I tend to make cakes because they are quicker and easier, but biscuits are my real passion it all started when I use to work in an old people’s home and everyone would stop at 10 o clocks for coffee and biscuits with a natter. In fact it’s where my coffee obsession started.

I can’t believe it all started with very sweet milky Nescafe. And has ended up at dark strong espresso, the only thing is I still like a dash of hot milk in it and that’s ‘hot milk’ not this froth they try to palm you off with.

So this morning, with no drinkable coffee in the house (I cannot longer stomach Nescafe or even its posh counterpart gold blend) and after already have a tea which was just depressing –tea is for after midday if you ask me- I decided on a hot chocolate…. I know it’s not particularly diet food and no it isn’t one of those gods awful ‘options’ its twinning’s hot chocolate mixed with milk.

In my defence I really don’t fancy cereal this morning, if I’m truthful I didn’t yesterday either despite eating a bowl of porridge bigger than daddy bear’s. So anyway I don’t really like hot chocolate to me it’s always been one of those forbidden things like most drinks with a calorific value over zero.

I suppose when I say I don’t like it, I mean it’s always over rated in my mind and never lives up to  my expectations. This morning however I want anything that will take my mind of not having coffee. And of course I am still drinking it; I find with hot chocolate there is an optimum temperature to drink it at.

There have been so many things I have avoided over the years, milkshakes, smoothies, yogurt drinks. In my mind they are all unnecessary calories when you are trying to diet. Especially when you can put the calories to better use.  I’ve realised now though that isn’t the answer, life should be a varied experience of different tastes and textures. And nothing should be off limits.

Take today for example just because I have had a hot chocolate it shouldn’t then be a downward spiral of eating and self-loathing. I should enjoy the fact I just had a nice hot chocolate but it isn’t going to stop me making healthy choices the rest of the day.

Hang on nope I don’t mean that… by saying healthy choices you again are cutting down 75% of your food options for the day. What I meant was it doesn’t mean I have to blow today out of the ocean and eat everything in my wake.

When it really comes down to it fat people are fat because they eat too much!  However the overeating starts – o fill a void, depression, anxiety- any reason you can think of.  Eventually that goes to the wayside and we continue to over eat because our body has got used to having a plentiful supply of fuel and when we stop that it feels like its imploding.

Seriously I can have a plate of pasta and garlic bread followed by dessert and still is hungry less than an hour later.  I don’t understand how that is possible, so how can others. Sure a scientist might be able to come in and explain some of the physiology behind it, or even a psychologist might come and explain the psychological reasons. At the end of the day though armed with the physiology and psychology isn’t going to stop me eating the bar of chocolate. My body says I’m hungry so dang it I must be hungry!

What we need to do is get in control of our bodies and I’m not talking hypnotherapy.  I’m saying we need to listen to what our body wants for real and what it’s just trying to kid us into eating.  Once we recognise where we are doing the most damage.

A few weeks ago me and Steve had a ready meal each, it looked tiny as I was dishing it up, and I think it was chicken and rice. This was in the midst of an especially good patch, but still the meal looked tiny and I was convinced it wouldn’t be enough for me. I was looking longingly at Steve’s wondering if he was really hungry.

Anyway I had the meal followed by a yogurt and guess what it was enough. I didn’t feel hungry after and went to bed feeling pretty smug with myself. This wasn’t some fluke this was a few weeks of me cutting down and saying no to myself. That led to a point where a smaller meal was enough.

Somewhere though my overeating creeps back up, and I really believe it when I start to over analyse everything I am eating trying to get the quickest results or when I feel that because I had a slice a cake one day and someone commented on it. I feel I have done wrong. When really had been eating cake all along and still lost weight

Sure people want to be helpful and I’m not blaming them for my overeating but what people don’t realise is you are always one mouthful away from blowing your diet so to speak. And it’s actually a horrible feeling knowing what you are doing is ruining all the hard work you have already put in.

So my message is this… don’t conform, don’t listen to people who tell you how so and so lost weight. You do it your way, cut down where you want to and realise your danger spots where you just can’t say no. mine is chocolate there is no limit to the amount of chocolate I can eat. This is why I try to avoid it and replace my sweet treats with cakes or biscuits.

With those I can have an average portion and enjoy it, Knowing I’m not about to trigger a barrage of craving receptors. I also know I can make it a part of my dieting day and still lose weight if I don’t snack between meals or eat after dinner.