Following on from my last post, where the shock of not craving chocolate last Monday really threw me. I had a fairly good week i stuck to my plan, kind of. I didn’t have any chocolate but I did have some goodies… Friday I ended up having a load of biscuits (Oreo, fox’s) nearly bought cake as well, but then thought hang on I don’t need cake if I’m going to be eating biscuits.
Then Friday night we went out for a curry… my usual order would have bean – reshme kebab to start, chicken korma for main, mushroom rice, onion bhajee and a plain naan. Oh and don’t forget the poppadum’s- that doesn’t sound too bad if I was sharing, yeah right as if. Well something has happened to me, I’m not sure what it is in one way I am more conscious of the amounts I am eating, or want to eat. Are you ready for another shocker… by making these choices i don’t feel like I’m missing out? These decisions are coming from within me, not from a book or someone else’s plan. These are the things I want to do and they aren’t based on the fact I want lose weight, its more I don’t actually want loads of food.
So instead I chose – onion bhajees as my starter, followed by a meat thali. I had seen this on the menu before but wasn’t exactly sure what it was – its little portions, it had makhani chicken, a vegetable thing, a lamb dish, pilau rice, yogurt, oh tandoori chicken, and a naan. I know that sounds a lot, it’s not really when you look at it. I didn’t eat it all but what I did have I thoroughly enjoyed. The one thing i ate all of was the naan bread (my fave).
I think the key for me is realising what i really don’t want to give up, and what I can cut down on without feeling deprived. Take Saturday night, I had bought a bag of peanut m&m’s. I was looking forward to sitting down Saturday after Horatio had gone to bed with my packet of sweets. I’m not sure what you call them but they are the ones that stand up on their own and you pull the top off (185g) now these are standard size for me, it’s very rare I would ever buy a smaller packet. I happened to glance at the calorie values not being to exact here but it was just over 225cals for a portion… I thought ooh that’s not bad – thinking there was 2 portions in the packet – wishful thinking lol, there was actually FOUR! not far from 1000calories for the whole packet – don’t get me wrong I’m not totally ignorant when it comes to calorie values etc. and have a rough idea of the values of stuff, it’s just when it comes to chocolate ignorance is bliss, he he.
So this is where I let myself down… i had planned to eat them, so eat them all I would, yes I am tutting at myself as I type. As I was eating them I started to think in future I should just buy the little individual ones for times like these. Then just after the halfway mark I started to have enough, I considered resealing them and putting away for another time, but there was two reasons why I couldn’t…
1, I had eaten over half the packet 2, I just knew i would have them for breakfast. Seeing as the packet was open.
This has got me thinking… am I ready… can I do it… will I cope…
To have chocolate in the house and not eat it all at once. I know I’m not ready to have open packets of chocolate just sitting there, but is it possible will I be able to have chocolate in the cupboard that I don’t binge on.
In the past I have bought the treat size chocolate bars and have been known to eat the whole packet in a day… (Lots of wrappers) and the snack size ones, I tend to think I’m being good when I have just one. But then when that isn’t enough to satisfy my craving I get angry and cross thinking why can’t I just have more it’s not fair. I want to eat what I like other people do and that is usually when I empty the tub… I’ve been known to ask my boyfriend to lock it up. it’s been so bad at times that I started buying stuff I don’t really like so that hubby and Horatio can have some treats in the house, believe me though when I’m desperate for chocolate I will eat most things. However they don’t usually satisfy my cravings, I usually end up going out and buying a load more. This then turns into a massive pig out.
I need to get it into my brain that I can have chocolate, and one chocolate bar shouldn’t lead to a binge. I tend to end up bingeing when I feel like a failure for eating something I hadn’t planned. The way I get round that now is by trying not to plan. Take last week for example I was really hungry in the morning a couple of times so I had a bowl of cereal, normally I would have been on a downer for the rest of the day thinking I had ruined a good day, whereas now I just think it’s only a bowl of cereal that’s not going to make you fat, same as one chocolate bar isn’t either.
My sticky times at the moment seem to be when I have had something that I didn’t really enjoy, I’m then left with a feeling like I’ve missed out and look for ways where I can eat more. A few weeks ago I really wanted a packet of kinder eggs, I stopped myself buying them because I knew I was in the frame of mind where those eggs would have been enough to trigger a full on binge. I’m sure they did in the end it just diffused it to another time. Now I’m wondering what if… I had of just bought the eggs and enjoyed them for what they were at that time.
I need to recognise the times when I am eating to cover up other emotions; I know we all do it… happy, stressed, sad or even confused most of us turn to food or some other addiction. I’m hoping that I will be able to find a different outlet for those emotions or better still I will be able to control them enough without having a vice… but that is a whole other post… in fact I reckon it’s probably two more posts…depression and obesity, depression and dieting, hang on maybe even three… depression and goal weight. I don’t know about that first hand but what I do know is most of the people I have known to reach their goal weight haven’t suddenly got the perfect life they thought they would.