Hmmm, is the only way I can describe my mood today, yesterday I was talking about lack of motivation. And how it’s getting me down at the moment. I was kind of good yesterday (apart from the truffles) and I wasn’t in a particularly bad mood. Just generally there is a feeling of something not quite right. After we put Horatio to bed (I really struggled not to go at the same time). So I bought a pillow downstairs and laid on the sofa, I also mentioned yesterday when I cut my cals down again I just crash. I was all ready to have a before bed kip.

 But then hubby put one of his strange films on (delicatessen) he tries to sneak them in when I’m not paying attention, he also knows  I get into watching them no matter how weird I find them. After this we watched a bit more normal TV and then headed up to bed around eleven, as I was walking (struggling) up the stairs it hit me I didn’t even have the motivation for walking up the stairs! I thought this is ridiculous maybe it isn’t motivation I am lacking maybe it’s just that I am sick and tired of moving my big bulk around, maybe I’m fed up with waking up everyday struggling to aim for a goal that seems so far away and if I don’t watch it every day I end up going in the opposite direction. that then lead me to, do I really want this goal, if I was a spectator in someone else’s life going through the same I know I would turn round and say (as my family and friends do to me) just sort it out if you really wanted it, it would happen.

So where does it all go wrong, I walk the dogs I watch what I eat, I talk about horses all the time I flick through books watch DVD’s. I plan in my head what life will be like when I can run around the field with the dogs and take Nas to our first cross country or when I first get to go on a rollercoaster with Horatio. All these thing I want, so why then do I just crash and burn (pig out and wallow). I am trying to make small changes such as even if I crash (pig out) doesn’t mean I have to burn, I’m still going to walk the dogs and try to be more active. I don’t know why I burn out, it’s just something that happens it’s the managing it that I need to control. I’m trying to work on it one step at a time.

This morning I woke up got on the scales 350lb Woo hoo, what happened there! Been struggling all week to be good and yesterday it was 353lb, even I know it’s not possible to lose 3lb in a day and still eat truffles. It then dawned on me that I think me and hubby have picked up an bug somewhere. Pfft I was rather hoping it was all down to my hard work yesterday, but now I know even if I’m equally good today chances are my weight will still go up. For now though I am going to ignore those thoughts and focus on getting those scales to say below 350 tomorrow. I’m about to drag out  my burn the fat Pilates DVD, got to Hoover first but then I’m going to go for it, I need it today to warm me up the temperature has suddenly just dropped again after a few days of lovely weather, oh good hopefully I’ll burn more calories keeping myself warm.