Winter is here with a vengeance today, it is well bitter. Lucky I put Nas’s thermatex on last night; it’s definitely medium weight rug time. Hubby can never understand why Nas needs new shoes more times than he buys himself new shoes, so I daren’t tell him Nas has at least 2 rugs for each season. And it looks like next year he will need a sweet itch one as well. Tomorrow I am going to try and post of video of my strange horse being led down the field if I give him a mint in the stable he then walks down the field with his mouth wide open. A bit like a dog who likes to hang his head out of the car window.
Even though it’s pretty cold it is really bright out, so hopefully he’ll get longer grazing time. I was looking at him this morning and he’s definitely lost some of the fatty deposits he had on his shoulders. Last year Nas was very fat, his rug looked like a mini skirt. I’ve been keeping an eye on him more this year. It’s such a fine balance giving him the right amount of food to keep him from being bored in his stable. It’s often been commented that he could survive on air he’s such a good doer. I can relate to this now, it’s not much fun even though we all need to eat to survive. Some of us eat to cope with the boredom or to suppress some kind of emotion or other.
It’s dawned on me the last few times I have managed to be good that eating to me is as much a habit as it is a necessity for life. My dad smokes, quite a lot I agree it is a horrible habit but it’s what he uses to deal with the day. He says it’s because the nicotine calms him etc… I’m thinking now though that whether happy or sad in fact any emotion we have is an excuse for him to smoke and me to eat. So in my case especially IT’S A HABIT. as you know on Monday I completely lost the plot and didn’t stop eating all-day, yesterday I managed to control the morning and then it went a bit hay wire come the afternoon, all day though I was thinking about food not any particular food just general food the feeling of eating, munching, chewing. it’s weird I miss it, sure enough I do use eating as an excuse not to do the things I want to do it’s such an easy cop out, I can’t achieve my goals because I’m fat blah. So if I crash and burn, am I really craving the food or just using it as a delaying tactic to achieving my goals.
My track record of completing any course I’ve ever started is about 10%. I’m nearly 35yrs old and have no career as such, when I was younger I was the only person in my class that knew what I wanted to be (riding instructor and on particularly dreamy days FBHS). If I’m honest now I don’t really know what I want. I started my working life on a fruit farm, and then spent 10years working for first a catering company and then in an old people’s home. At some point I thought I wanted to become a nurse, but just as I got into uni the stable part of my life disintegrated. I just couldn’t continue, but if I’m honest it was always a bit shaky from the beginning.
After working in care for a bit longer I turned to dog grooming, and other than the stress of supporting myself with a new business, I enjoyed it. It was hard work and I did come across some shitty people. When I got pregnant though I just lost all energy and used it as an excuse to stop. I have tried to start it again but really my heart isn’t in it anymore… problem is where does that leave me now. I love being a mum and I enjoy owning Nas. Just sometimes I need something else to turn my attention to, to keep me motivated.
Today I am trying to put 100% into staying on track it’s so easy to stray but luckily there really isn’t anything in the house I fancy eating, I’m not even looking forward to dinner later. Fish pie bleugh. Nas is coming in a bit later today so I’m going to have some toast before I get him in. then he’ll get a good brush off. One of the biggest obstacles I have each day whilst trying to lose weight is no day is the same, I have to be adaptable at the drop of a hat and fit my eating in around it. Before when I have lost weight everything was planned and weighed out down to the last gram. I can’t be like that now I have to learn to be flexible, ironically I can be flexible when it comes to binging everything changes then, but let’s not focus on that today lol.