The day I started gaining weight… ok this might all sound a little bit melodramatic, but it’s true I promise. I stopped being a person growing up; I became someone who was just growing. For every emotion I felt, I used food to either heighten or dampen it.

The thing is I’m not stupid and I can be quite intuitive, even now I understand why I am doing something detrimental. But the understanding doesn’t lead me to changing it. Its comfortable and easy staying here. Using excuse after excuse to stay in the same place.

Never developing growing up and Finding out who I really am.  It’s crazy to think I have wasted a good 20years of my life in this state of suspension. And when I’ve been pushed into an uncomfortable scenario I say well its different this time I’m going to lose weight once and for all.

I never have yet! I have lost weight but never “once and for all”. Whenever something challenging comes up I go back to the one thing I know I can rely on. The times I thought I would be like a caterpillar and one day turn into a butterfly.

Dieting and being overweight has dominated my life from a young age I have either been on a diet, just about to start a diet or so conscious of my size and how I looked it made me miserable. I became the person to ask what diet to try… that is until they realised I wasn’t actually losing any weight lol.

I wasn’t reading magazines about hair and makeup, I was reading diet ones. I wasn’t developing my friendship skills I was hiding behind a wall of fatness. I wasn’t out living my life I was at home waiting for the chrysalis phase to begin.

I can remember vividly one summer holiday I saw an outfit in a catalogue. It was a navy all in one but more like dungarees it was really smart and the girl had a white shirt under it. I dreamt about wearing that outfit at school the following September for weeks. I was convinced that if I did I would have more friends and a happier time at school.

It never happened I went to school in the same tatty outfit from the previous year only this time it was a little bit tighter and I daren’t mention the tights with holes in the thighs where my legs use to chaff.

Another year I was sick of buying big shoes I had to buy shoes bigger so my fat feet would fit in them.  So I bought a smaller pair, Omg they hurt I had to take them off to walk home. Not a happy time.  I still have a few issues about shoes making my feet look big! Honestly I can hear you practically saying out loud that’s the least of your problems.

I went through a phase of being so unsure who I was. I never knew if I wanted the sensible Jane Shilton leather handbag. Or the rubber Goth spikey one.  I got both! Notice I’m talking accessories here. I just couldn’t decide on my style I was always trying out new ones but all it ever depended on was ‘did it fit’ ‘do I look fat’.

There then came a stage where I just gave up altogether and would live in tracksuit bottoms or leggings with chunky dr martin boots, the rounded toes didn’t make my feet look so big.  I have tried to find my style over the years. But always it came down to what fits!

Recently the issue of what I wear on a day2day basis has come up. You’ve all seen the yummy mummies at the school gates. Well I’ve joined them one slight problem I am no yummy mummy.  And although there are others there into horses. They are wearing joules/puffa/musto etc. and then there’s me in my leggings –I don’t wear my woof wear rubber boots, but change into my dog chewed wanna-be but cost just as much UGG boots! Yep I look a mess. I’ve also not had my hair done since May, because I can decide how I want it.

Before the school gate scenario… what I wore on the yard has been bugging me. I use to do Nas in jeans and yard boots. But I was getting fed up of them dragging in the mud and I would find they made walking hard work.  In fact jeans made most things hard work. For some reason I can’t find a pair that just FIT. They are either too tight or too loose. Either way I am always hiking them up before I do any small task.

I’m actually at an in-between stage with my clothes. I’ve lost enough to not fit in my bigger stuff but not enough to fit into the clothes I have waiting in the cupboard. This includes some rather nice fuller fillies’ outfits and even a tottie gillet that I bought from Hickstead. Not to mention the usual suspects cargo pants,skirts, blouses and tops. Oh and quite a few I use to wear when I first met Steve.

They are all just mere inches of being comfortable and no risk of stitching going. Once there I will open myself up to not one but two new wardrobes (day2day and equestrian).  It’s been like this for a few weeks (ok months) and I’ve refused to buy new clothes. Hence the scruff look I have now adopted. My t-shirts are stained the leggings are almost at the end of their lives. And the soles of my rubber boots are thinning I can feel the stones.

Time to get serious and into those clothes.  It will be a stone max until I can fit in them all.

Last night while I was scrolling through twitter, I came across this… all I can say is “lightbulb moment”