So here we are Sunday 16th September, the day I was suppose to be doing a pairs round at a local cross country. It was all planned back in April just after the beach ride. And back then I was sure we would make this goal. Despite not jumping in almost 20yrs.

Alas though it was not to be, it feels like everything has conspired against me in the last 6months from my car dying, to the summer holidays and not to mention the fact I have put on a stone. Poor Nas has been in the field living out for weeks now. It really has felt like a case of one thing after another.

But the really stupid thing is I would like nothing more than to be up at the crack of dawn and be heading to the cross country with my big black and white boy, and my two other boys. I’m sure they would of enjoyed it just as much as me. Instead I am sitting here writing a post -of course that is enjoyable as well but it’s not the same as losing control around a cross country- one day it will happen.

I have been trying to break the bad habits I mentioned earlier in the week, to no real avail. I have identified some trigger moments though and also have accepted that I am thoroughly depressed about my car situation. I am so desperate to have a car that is capable of towing and suitable for the dogs again. It’s the only thing I can think about. Which is wrong because I should be focusing on my Nas because by the time I do get one I want to be able to get out and about on him.

It’s been a tough few months, and although these are the same stresses we had at the beginning of the year I think the realisation that they are still here is hitting me hard. And I am my own worse enemy at the beginning of the year i was full of fight and ‘yeah we can do this’ where as now towards the end of the year in my head I am winding down to christmas/winter. Which really Doesn’t help.

I hate the out of control feeling I have in my life at the moment. It’s like I don’t actually know who I am and the worse part is I can’t be bothered. That is horrible when you can’t be bothered because you kind of know you have lost all hope. So I am going to try and use this missed goal as a fresh start into the next season. And try to renew my determination and will-power to get back on track and start being the person I want to be again.

My first new goal is to get my weight back down and Nas’s fitness back.