I’ve just started my day the best way I know how, with a nice strong coffee and a slice of homemade banana cake (hmm shame I didn’t take a picture) I’m still adapting to my new phone I’ve feel like I have gone over to the dark side I am no longer a blackberry pie but an apple tart! It’s ironic though because I went for the white one! And I’ve just seen some sunglasses that would complement it perfectly.

Can you tell I’m in a good mood today, I don’t know if it’s because the sun is shining, because the boy is back at school. Or simply because I am in a happy positive place right now, no all of our stresses haven’t gone away but on the whole I think I have come to accept life is going to be a little bit crap most of the time but one good day with my family in the sun makes it all worthwhile.

The last two weeks have been quite tough on all of us; school holidays should be a time of relaxing and having fun. Not the same old routine with added stress of having early starts with late nights. Not only was the boy suffering but so was my diet, we were eating out most nights and the ones we didn’t, we ended up having takeaway! Not good but it was the only way he got some daddy time.

I found myself over the course of the holidays getting more and more frustrated with it. I felt gunked down by the kind of food we were eating and it cut into our down time when the boy is in bed. After a full on day of waffle it is nice to just shut down for a few hours. Still over all we had a good holiday I got to spend some time with the boy and fall in love with him all over again. Being a mum is without a doubt the best feeling.

As you can imagine despite my best efforts most days ended up in disaster with me sat in front of the TV with a bar or two of chocolate. Don’t worry though I counteracted this with my squat challenge, I’m up to 135 so far. It’s getting tough now; I’m still unsure how I am going to manage to do 250 by the end of it. Some days I kept my eating under control and others it just went out of the window. I think the extra activities have helped keep my weight about the same.

So just quickly the reason behind the ‘Coffee & Cake’ After realising I now need something  first thing, I find it tough to go all the way through until lunchtime, I also find I bring lunch forward which then leaves a longer gap in the afternoons until dinner time. If I do hold out I then go overboard eat too much and don’t feel like doing anything for the rest of the day, so realistically I need 3 lighter meals a day now if I want to be able to get all my chores done.

The only problem is Cereal and I really don’t get on, it bloats me out and has other horrendous consequences. I’ve tried toast, again though it bloats me out and leaves a funny taste in my mouth, it’s also a bit of a palaver and to be honest it then leaves me in a quandary as what to have for lunch. I’m just not the kind of person to have pasta for lunch unless someone is making it for me.

Of course I would like to have Coffee & Cake for breakfast most mornings but I know that is just not suitable it’s too much of a sugar high then slump; also again I think I would just go onto the yard constantly thinking about cake! I would then have it before mid-morning (making it then cake for breakfast and we all know that is just wrong- or is it! I’m sure on occasion it won’t hurt). On a day to day basis though it’s not really how I want to live.

I don’t want any food to have that much influence over my lifestyle be it, cakes chocolate biscuits or even fruit and vegetables. I want to be able to take food as it comes, enjoy it and then get back to whatever it was I was doing before I stopped to eat. Not to sit there fantasising about my next meal or where we will be going for cake, ok that’s never going to go away completely and I’m always going to have cravings just like everyone else. But I want to be in control, ok if we get to the cake shop with the really large doughnuts it will be a nice treat. Not oh my god I have to go there now! And if we don’t then I will sulk and buy up every sweet and savoury goodie in the local supermarket.

What I’m saying is I don’t want to be doing a 40minute round trip for a chocolate craving anymore. I want to be able to say I will grab a chocolate bar (A chocolate bar, not six or a large one) just the one to see me through that particular craving. The same with not having a meltdown every time there is nothing nice in the house and feeling like I have to fill it with sugary goodness.

Some of this I have to admit isn’t just for me; if I’m totally honest I know the boy will most probably struggle with his weight. I’m never going to suggest the word diet to him, but I do have conversations about doing extra exercise when you’ve eaten a whole Easter egg type thing. I also don’t want him to think that cakes and sweets are on the table every day.

I’ve said before how he has a natural preference for fruit. I have noticed though when he spends a lot of time with me he leans more towards the wanting cakes sweets chocolates. Really not what I want for him. What I want is a balanced diet where he eats everything in proportion. Fortunately he hasn’t got to the stage where he will just eat and eat chocolate thank goodness. But he is at an influential age where I think I need to make some changes as to what is on offer.

So back to my morning dilemma, coffee and cake isn’t practical not only does it kind of bring my morning to a stop. I go into relaxed let’s chill for the rest of the day mode. Whereas before I eat first thing I am quite motivated and ready to tackle the day. I suppose that’s why they call it comfort food. It’s like a great big hug that says sit down relax… let’s just drift through the day, on a high of calories.

Then you get the come down where you realise not only have you done sod all day, you feel worse than you did before. You know the scales will hate you, hey why wouldn’t they! you hate yourself it was going to be such a good day. You were going to ride the wagon and take the bull by the horns and lose some weight. Instead you ate a little you felt a little meh! You looked through magazines and the web looking for a diet you could follow and then you eat a little more.

Does that sound familiar I know it well, too well in fact. And now it’s time to stop! It’s no lie I enjoy my coffee first thing. But there really is no reason why I have to start my day either A, hungry and not eat until lunchtime, or B, eat everything until lunchtime. I am now going to try option C… fruit and probiotic drinking yogurts. Of course all this is easy when the sun is shining and I feel the need to give that vitamin D some buddies.

But I think this is one of my biggest misconceptions, I need to tackle about food is fruit can be ok when the weather is cold and wet and horrible and if not fruit then a drinking yogurt or a smoothie. I am going against the grain a little because buying things in little 100ml bottles does piss me off a bit. But then they are convenient and can be recycled. I think it’s another one of those times when I have to stop looking at the calories.

Ok sure they have the equivalent of a couple of biscuits or even a posh chocolate. But the benefits of eating fresher lighter food that won’t gunk down my body will hopefully eventually enable me to finish the day with the same enthusiasm I start it with. This at the end of the day is what’s more important to me than eating cakes, sweets and chocolates.

As for the boy I’m sure he won’t miss not having cakes on offer every day or sweets and chocolate. I realised in the holidays a lot of what he does is so he gets extra time and attention with us, he would be just as happy with a punnet of strawberries as long as either me or daddy are playing with him. Which I feel more up to doing when my mind isn’t full of what am I going to do I want to lose weight but I want that bar of chocolate.

This is the cruncher I don’t know what I am going to do, despite going over and over it with Steve for the last few weeks, poor man has heard it all from what shall I eat to breakfast to oh no I can’t eat dinner that late. And then just as he thinks I’ve got a grip on it I say well that didn’t work let’s try this. And so it goes on, with me always trying to find the optimal eating plan that has no loop holes where I can sneak in something without thinking vie ruined it all.

I have literally realised in the last half hour, I just don’t know! All I do know is I want to be riding my horse, and if today that means I can’t eat the last Easter egg in the house then so be it. But rather than sitting here fantasising about it. I will get on and have something that is within the realms of me losing weight and then get back to whatever it is I was doing. And if I’m meant to be doing nothing (it doesn’t happen occasionally then that would be a good time to take the dogs out for a walk.

This blog was never meant to be about telling people how to lose weight; I really am not qualified to say how each individual can lose weight. What it was meant to be about is getting my story out there showing people they are not alone. That just because we have numerous failures behind doesn’t mean it’s never going to work. Maybe if you joined slimming world tonight it just might be what you need. Or if you get out and walk for just 10mins it will be what you need to get started.

As for me, I don’t know if I will wake up hungry tomorrow and have a piece of fruit. Or a friend will text me and say fancy coffee and chat (which we all know is code for coffee & cake). Who knows, what I do know though is I will wake up tomorrow knowing my goal is to eat a little less, eat a little healthier and eat with a little less intensity. Because if I am craving something if I don’t have it that day there is always tomorrow or the next day or even in a few months’ time.

Who knows?