I’m sure once i start typing, this post will just flow, I’ve got a lot to say on this subject but i don’t know where to start, theorist say to start at the beginning, just there really is no beginning to this or even an end it is a perpetual cycle that has been going on in my life, even before my weight problem. – just had 5mins of looking at screen, thinking hmmm what can i eat or drink, all delaying tactics i know- finding the right words and wording them are definitely proving a problem today.

MY LIFE… has pretty much been on hold, my mantras have often been ‘when i lose weight I’m going to…’ or ‘when i get some money I’m going to…’

Since starting this blog i have tried really hard to live in the moment, admittedly it is easier because just writing the post’s brings you into the ‘here and now’ however I’m never going to get away from the once i lose weight i will be able to do more etc. And there have been a few hiccup’s, its less than two weeks until Christmas and i can’t wait, and not for the reason’s your thinking those were last month’s reasons for getting excited… all the festivities, merriness and Santa coming to Horatio was all too exciting.

I’m so past that, now I’m looking forward to next year to January getting back on my diet properly no goodies to tempt me, more exercise and getting to finally getting on with Nas, having the time to exercise him properly and finally riding him, I’m looking forward to next summer when once I’m riding i will be able to take him out to a few shows. Just generally start living the life I’ve wanted to for so long.

Don’t get me wrong i will still enjoy Christmas and try and make it as special as i can for Horatio, I’m just feeling snowed under (literally) with it all. Our finance’s aren’t that great, we’ve got a lot of organising and shopping to do. And the reality is that in less than 2weeks it will all be over.

This isn’t just about Christmas; it extends to the whole year. Me planning something a holiday, a diet, a fitness regime, a party, Halloween and even Easter. i go all out and plan it put a lot of money and effort into it, only not to enjoy it at the time because i couldn’t find anything nice to fit me, but next year once I’ve lost the weight i will really enjoy it and not feel like the big fat blob. Seriously how many of you have been at a party but not really been there because in your head your fantasising about the next one where you will be thin and then you’ll be the life and soul of the party.

I haven’t managed to get down half of what has been going on in my head on this subject but just so you know how far I’ve into this my mind has gone, I’ve actually come up with a mind map that will hopefully give you a bit more insight into me…..